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If everybody is being upfront in what they want why try to change anyones mind. Time to move one to someone who wants the samething you do. Why fight to go up stream.
I'm not dating this person anymore...broke up six months ago, and am happy to be free of the drama of that situation. As far as "Honor" goes, this person didn't honor me in daily life, not just in the case of a piece of paper. Thanks for your posts.
Oh and what do people here think of "common law" marriage? Do you think it's the same? Of course, not every state recognizes common law marriage.
I believe in the common law but I also want something spiritual. For me it is with God. My husband not so much he is pretty much a non believer. I have friends that have done a hand fasting ceremony with friends. Its not a legal thing it is just a commitment.
Last edited by chey2u; 10-09-2008 at 05:11 PM..
Reason: addition
People are obsessed with marriage and with following the timeline society lays out for us to use as a barometer for the "healthy & normal" progression of a relationship. These guidelines do not take peoples' individuality into consideration. They also do not encourage us to live in or enjoy the moment, but rather to judge ourselves & validate our worthiness through our ability to attain and hang onto a spouse. We've been grossly mislead into believing that having the love of another person is more important than the love we should feel for ourselves or the internal growth we should always be nurturing. I know so many people who "used to" paint, or write music, or study interesting subjects that just "don't have time" now because their spouse or BF/GF demands too much of it...it makes me sick! These obligatory sacrifices of passions are so unhealthy, and will only breed resentment in the end.
If you're out there feeling like you need to "seal the deal", just ask yourself why it matters so much...is it because you're worried that he/she might be unfaithful? Because your friends/family are giving you a hard time about your not being married? Because you think you're just "wasting time" with someone who might never want to commit to you fully and be your all-purpose, on-call security blanket?
Wouldn't it be nice to just BE in love, to trust that person so much and resonate with him or her so completely the thought of putting it in writing almost seems like an insult? Don't you think this kind of connection is possible?
We need to focus more energy on our passions, and less on the BS ideals which succeed in snuffing them out!!!
People are obsessed with marriage and with following the timeline society lays out for us to use as a barometer for the "healthy & normal" progression of a relationship. These guidelines do not take peoples' individuality into consideration. They also do not encourage us to live in or enjoy the moment, but rather to judge ourselves & validate our worthiness through our ability to attain and hang onto a spouse. We've been grossly mislead into believing that having the love of another person is more important than the love we should feel for ourselves or the internal growth we should always be nurturing. I know so many people who "used to" paint, or write music, or study interesting subjects that just "don't have time" now because their spouse or BF/GF demands too much of it...it makes me sick! These obligatory sacrifices of passions are so unhealthy, and will only breed resentment in the end.
If you're out there feeling like you need to "seal the deal", just ask yourself why it matters so much...is it because you're worried that he/she might be unfaithful? Because your friends/family are giving you a hard time about your not being married? Because you think you're just "wasting time" with someone who might never want to commit to you fully and be your all-purpose, on-call security blanket?
Wouldn't it be nice to just BE in love, to trust that person so much and resonate with him or her so completely the thought of putting it in writing almost seems like an insult? Don't you think this kind of connection is possible?
We need to focus more energy on our passions, and less on the BS ideals which succeed in snuffing them out!!!
I agree however, your post is assuming that all people are in this catagory. What about those who like being married or what want to be married some day?? Just because you get married doesn't mean you cease to exist......actually, if you marry for the right reasons it can enhance your quality of life. Part of falling in love is finding that one person who you share common interests with and who compliments who you are......I do agree that you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else....too many get married thinking it will fix them but not everyone is like that.
The problem is that men want everything but the responsibility of marriage. A man will sleep with you, live with you, and even have kids with with you without getting married. That is why I don't believe in living together before being engaged. And when I say engaged, I mean a date has been set. I'm not into playing house.
I personally find it disrespectful when a man is with a woman for 3, 4, 5+ years and has not proposed. Unless he is very young, there is no excuse. To me, that means that he is just not that into his current girl. It should not take five years to discover if she is the "one"
So, OP, you should have a time limit in mind. There is no sense spending too much of your time waiting for him. If he is not ready, move on.
The problem is that men want everything but the responsibility of marriage. A man will sleep with you, live with you, and even have kids with with you without getting married. That is why I don't believe in living together before being engaged. And when I say engaged, I mean a date has been set. I'm not into playing house.
I personally find it disrespectful when a man is with a woman for 3, 4, 5+ years and has not proposed. Unless he is very young, there is no excuse. To me, that means that he is just not that into his current girl. It should not take five years to discover if she is the "one"
So, OP, you should have a time limit in mind. There is no sense spending too much of your time waiting for him. If he is not ready, move on.
I've noticed some women, particularly the younger ones, measure each guy they date as husband potential. If the guy does not measure up, has issues, is not the marrying kind, then they dump him and move on.
So, from the onset of the relationship there is a particular goal and set of metrics involved (sorry for using my business voice, but it fits), when dating. The relationship is terminated once the woman discovers that the man she is dealing with is not interested in marriage or has some issues that make him undesirable for marriage.
The interesting point in all of this is the "waste of my time" concept that implies that I'm only dating you to see if you'll be a good husband; oops, I've seen something that I don't want in a husband, but may be acceptable while dating, but I don't want to waste my "husband finding time", so I'm going to move on.
For me, I date someone to enjoy their company, because we have things in common, or just plain like each other, not to seek a permanent mate.
Now, if I DO meet someone that I think is a good fit for me, and over time we build the kind of bonds I think would lead to a happy and successful marriage , THEN AND ONLY THEN would marriage be on the table. Otherwise, we can hang out till we decide to go our separate ways.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not looking at everyone as a potential mate, but, should the right person come along then all things are possible, otherwise, lets hang out and have fun, until we decide otherwise.
I've noticed some women, particularly the younger ones, measure each guy they date as husband potential. If the guy does not measure up, has issues, is not the marrying kind, then they dump him and move on.
So, from the onset of the relationship there is a particular goal and set of metrics involved (sorry for using my business voice, but it fits), when dating. The relationship is terminated once the woman discovers that the man she is dealing with is not interested in marriage or has some issues that make him undesirable for marriage.
The interesting point in all of this is the "waste of my time" concept that implies that I'm only dating you to see if you'll be a good husband; oops, I've seen something that I don't want in a husband, but may be acceptable while dating, but I don't want to waste my "husband finding time", so I'm going to move on.
For me, I date someone to enjoy their company, because we have things in common, or just plain like each other, not to seek a permanent mate.
Now, if I DO meet someone that I think is a good fit for me, and over time we build the kind of bonds I think would lead to a happy and successful marriage , THEN AND ONLY THEN would marriage be on the table. Otherwise, we can hang out till we decide to go our separate ways.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not looking at everyone as a potential mate, but, should the right person come along then all things are possible, otherwise, lets hang out and have fun, until we decide otherwise.
Again, that's just my 2 cent worth.....
Your timetable is not the same as this young lady's timetable.
Most women get married my their mid- to late-20's. If marriage is the goal, it makes sense for a woman not to settle on a guy who has made it clear that he has no imperative to be married to her. As your goal is to have fun for an indiscriminate amount of time and hers is to get married within a certain time frame, it is best to move on as the two goals are not in sync.
Your timetable is not the same as this young lady's timetable.
If marriage is the goal, it makes sense for a woman not to settle on a guy who has made it clear that he has no imperative to be married to her. As your goal is to have fun for an indiscriminate amount of time and hers is to get married within a certain time frame, it is best to move on as the two goals are not in sync.
and my experience has been that people are pretty honest and upfront about their intentions. guys who say they're not looking for marriage....well, they aren't, whether that is age 22 or age 32 or age 54
boys (of any age, but even at age 54 if someone "just wants to date" to me i consider them a boy) into "perpetual dating" are usually honest about it.
and the purpose of dating IS to get to know someone better and have fun together, but it is also to "try the other person on for size" and see how well they fit your long term goals, whether that's as a suitable marriage partner, or for "perpetual dating"
so the "marriage conversation" certainly doesn't need to happen in the first date or in the first year but part of being in relationship is the ability to have clear communication and discuss long term goals
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