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Your boyfriend doesn't want to get married and you do.
I have never really wanted to have children, but this isn't the whole issue. I believe marriage is about honor. Unless you are talking about a middle aged couple who has already had former spouses and kids, a relationship that doesn't turn into a marriage is to me a dead-end. JMO. And then that would be their choice. It would not be because the woman or man wanted to get married and the other party refused.
I was in this situation once before. What do the women on this board do? When you told your boyfriend you expected a proposal (within a reasonable time frame) and he says he has no (like, none at all) dibs on getting married. Did you stay, attemt to compromise, or walk out the door (like I did?)
What does it represent to you when he is not willing to make you an honest woman? Cowardly? Selfish? etc....
To me, marriage is largely symbolic (though I realize it involves real, concrete paperwork also). You can make a commitment for life without calling it a marriage, certainly. My perspective is that of a non-heterosexual person--I might not be able to marry the person I wind up (in the civil sense). All that said, if I really wanted to get married and the person I was with refused that level of commitment, I think I would have to walk away after some time. After I realized that I'd brought it up time and time again and nothing had changed, I might have to give up and look for someone who is on the same page I am as far as relationships. Personally, I would compromise if the person wanted to commit but simply did not want to go through with signing a marriage license and participating in a ceremony, etc.
How old are the two of you? How long have you been dating? Do you honestly have similar goals in life? Are you both religious in the same way? Do you agree on money management? What about kids? Do you both want kids and a house with a white picket fence? Maybe he's just not really to settle down to married life yet. Could you both compromise instead and have a long engagement? I see too many young couples that get engaged after only a year or two of dating, then have the wedding ceremony exactly one year later... what's the rush?
And why are you so very sure that this is the guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is he your best boyfriend ever?
I've never chased my boyfriends and tried to commit them to marriage. I've also always been the one to initiate the breakup. lol And I've noticed that if you instead act more independently, guys seem to want a more serious commitment. Be more Zen... don't chase that which you most desire. So give a guy a chance to pursue you... and marriage. And if he doesn't want marriage, perhaps he's not mature enough to be a husband and appreciate the benefits of marriage.
Reasons that some men shy away from getting married seem to be numerous. They don't want to give up their youthful ways and have to budget and think about having babies. They don't want to stop spending on their hobbies and instead buy an expensive engagement ring. Weddings are expensive too.
Some guys do better if you don't bug them about getting engaged. I think that the more their girlfriends talk about it, the less they want to. Or it spoils any chance of a spontaneous romantic marriage proposal. Or if they give in to the nagging, then they will have a nagging wife. Or the ol argument that the guy doesn't need to prove to the world that he loves his woman with a piece of paper.
Things that might trigger a marriage proposal... their other male friends getting married and still happy afterwards, turning 30. lol Or basically, one day it suddenly hits him that he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
Last edited by miu; 10-08-2008 at 09:42 PM..
Reason: More thoughts.
I think it's fine for you to be upfront and honest about what you want out of the relationship and it is also fine for him to be as well. If he has no desire to get married and you do, then you need to move on before this drags out any longer. He 'may' one day change his mind, but if he has already put that out there, then no hard feelings, it is just not what you need from him. If you all are mature enough to discuss the issue then you have to be bold enough to react once you realize this relationship is not for you.
I know it's hard when you are in love and when you have invested yourself, but you will never be happy without a marriage and trust me when I say that you do not want him to feel forced into a marriage! That would end very badly!
Good luck!
I have a friend (female) in this situation. She is actually twice divorced with 5 children (ages 8 - 17), has been dating her bf for a couple of years, wants to get married, but he says he never wants to get married. They break up over this every few months.
A few years ago, I would have said to end the relationship. Now that I am divorced, I am more reluctant to say that. I don't necessarily think it's bad if two people love each other, live together, have kids, and just happen to have not gotten married. But I do think it is important to be with someone who has the same values as you do.
I don't necessarily think it's bad if two people love each other, live together, have kids, and just happen to have not gotten married.
No, there's nothing wrong with it if both find the status quo satisfactory, but that's not the case with your friend. Basically, every few months she's being rejected as not being good enough. I wouldn't care for that even once.
I was married before, and divorced by 24. I am all about waiting... as long as possible. To me it's all paper....... If you can tell your love is for real then don't sweat it but if you are always wondering... then it won't last. I told myself, the second I thought about divorce it would eventually happen, and it did. I also got married after a year, that was just silly of me to even say yes to. My advice to you is, if he's a dick about it... doesn't give you a real reason like... I want to graduate first or I want to get a better paying job or Let's travel first..... then i'd loose him because whats the point of being someone for long time if they have no intention on marrying you.... EVER! Hope this helps.
Hang on a second...you are the same poster who was on a rant about southern men about 2 weeks ago...hmmmm, things going that well?
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