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Old 10-10-2008, 08:03 AM
 
12,585 posts, read 16,900,779 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lola8822 View Post
I hear ya.....but what happened? If you can pin point a time that you noticed her start to change and then look at what was happening around her or you or your family.....that might help understand.....So have you exhausted all of your options??? Have you tried as hard as you know you can and have you done it appropriatly? If so....then IMO the ball is in her court...I'd leave until she realized what she will loose and if she never realizes it......I'd never come back. But that's just me.....it's not good for you and it's especially not good for your kids to see or experiance.

I really am sorry you have to go through this....wish you the best
First of all.. Thank you. I appreciate your concerns and best wishes.

To be honest.. I think reality of adulthood slapped her in the face when she got married and no longer having "Daddy" take care of her was a big blow especially moving one hour away from him.

Yes, I took over the "caring" part but not to the extent of what Daddy did for her and I think that was a reality check. I think she had this fairy tale dream of what I was suppose to be like and I guess I wasn't being the good little "actor" that this movie producer wife expected of me. That's just my opinion. I think "Daddy" made her believe doing things for her equals love. SO... when you don't do something for her... Exactly.

Over the years I have been in the "insufficient funds" when it comes to doing things for her. It's like a bottomless pit of affection she needs and I have nothing left to give. Especially when there is nothing in return. So the downhill battle is her not getting what "Daddy" gave and I somehow am the one in the middle. I don't know if that makes sense. Like I said though, that is just my opinion. I'm not a doctor or anything but I do know from the things I see her do there is emotion problems.

I will tell you I already left mentally. It's all a fog. I just live here. Sorry situation uh? I feel I have done what I could to help. Right now, I just keep a distant and try not to make waves. She will approach me and tell me "she" needs a hug or something but it is never "I think YOU" need a hug.. come here. You know what I'm saying. You feel kinda used.

When Mom has an outburst or something, being the "funymann" I will make light of it. My boy even smiles. You know, like the "milky minutes" commercial where the wife is all over the husband about throwing perfectly good minutes away... ? Then the boys laugh at the things Dad says. Hillarious!
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Old 10-10-2008, 08:18 AM
 
12,585 posts, read 16,900,779 times
Reputation: 15255
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post


To answer the question in the thread, no, I would not stay to help someone who refuses to help themselves, even with kids in the picture. Been there, done that. Rather be "miserable and alone, than miserable with someone else," as the old saying goes. For better or for worse, does have it's fine print, as I have learned. When someone is ruthlessly dragging your own sanity down , it's time to split. When kids are in a bad situation, there should not be a question in a parents mind in knowing what is best for them. A situation as such is not best. You have to keep your sanity and state of mind in tact for your kids, above all. They should not have to be subjected.
Thanks Jeep. If anyone on CD who replies... you'd be the one I would most like to hear from and I thank you for your thoughts.

The problem is that if I leave... I don't get my boy. See, women can just pack up and leave and they get to take the kids with them. A man no longer has anything to do with the kids except for a couple weekends a month. I couldn't tuck him in and talk to him, play football with him. You know what I mean?? I don't want to be the Dad that walked out on him. He needs me here. Right?

I know every parent would swim across shark infested waters for our children but "Would you stay with a mental mate...?

If anything I can count the days he will live at home and look at the light at the end of the tunnel for that day to come where we both leave or I can leave now and possibly change him forever! Right now I am a stabilizing force of good for him and we get along so good right now. If I leave... well, he may not be the same. I think I will have no choice but to sacrifice my health and happiness for him and move on when he does.
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Old 10-10-2008, 10:12 AM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,634,334 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post

I know every parent would swim across shark infested waters for our children but "Would you stay with a mental mate...?
Already said, no. I would not stay. I left a mental mate.

Sometimes you have to draw the line on your own selfishness in what you want - VS - what is best for the child. Is it really BEST that your child see the insanity in the house? It could be that possibly you may drive your mate to "insane extremes." That's a real possibility - you may not be the ying to her yang. Removing yourself from the situation so your child is not exposed to an unhealthy environment is what is best for a child, not giving a child the idea that what he is seeing is what relationships are all about. It's setting a very bad example. Spare yourself or save the child, is what it comes down to.


Good luck.
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Old 10-10-2008, 10:16 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,764 posts, read 40,065,026 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
The problem is that if I leave... I don't get my boy. See, women can just pack up and leave and they get to take the kids with them. A man no longer has anything to do with the kids except for a couple weekends a month. I couldn't tuck him in and talk to him, play football with him. You know what I mean?? I don't want to be the Dad that walked out on him. He needs me here. Right?
It seems to me that you should consult with a good divorce lawyer before jumping to any conclusions like this. Most courts these days assign custody to the parent that can offer the child or children the best and most stable environment. And if she's a mental case that won't take her meds, then she certainly isn't going to be a good mom either. Secondly, even if she should get custody, father's have rights too and legally she can't just move out of state where you can't visit your son on a regular basis.

Before you waste more of your life in a terrible marriage (which is rough for the children to witness and grow up with), seek some professional legal advice on your particular situation. Assume nothing.
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Old 10-10-2008, 11:06 AM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,634,334 times
Reputation: 6381
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
It seems to me that you should consult with a good divorce lawyer before jumping to any conclusions like this. Most courts these days assign custody to the parent that can offer the child or children the best and most stable environment. And if she's a mental case that won't take her meds, then she certainly isn't going to be a good mom either. Secondly, even if she should get custody, father's have rights too and legally she can't just move out of state where you can't visit your son on a regular basis.

Before you waste more of your life in a terrible marriage (which is rough for the children to witness and grow up with), seek some professional legal advice on your particular situation. Assume nothing.

Lately, I have run into more divorced dad's who have custody of their child(ren) than not. Much who have custody who sought it and won for similar reasons/grounds as Funy has. It took some of them about $25K in Atty's fees to do it, so maybe Funy, it's time to consult an Atty, start saving some money, and make a plan.
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Old 10-10-2008, 01:32 PM
 
13,783 posts, read 26,210,342 times
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If the wife is that poorly calibrated document it, get the info to an attorney and get custody of your son. Paternal custody is becoming more and more common.

It is terribly unhealthy for your son to see her in such states and he will be seriously scarred.
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Old 10-10-2008, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,440,837 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
I have asked that question "is it me?" many times.

My best friend has seen this destructive side and has actually had a few rounds with her. He has since left the state cause of her actions leaving many scars to his reputation.

I am seriously thinking of help for myself to deal with it but the kids suffer too when Mom goes into a tailspin for no reason. I'm really here for the innocent victims.

Thanks for the help.
You need to stay, UNLESS you can get full custody of the kids and prevent her from having unsupervised visitation. Otherwise, you sacrifice your kids. They will have to deal with their mother, when alone with her, with no other adult around to help. With you there, at least, they have you to act as a buffer. If you do leave, you have to stop her from seeing the kids alone.

BTDT, BTW. Last year my husband left me. I filed charges of alcoholism immediately and had him proving he was sober to take the kids. I don't want to even tell you what that cost me in legal fees. Had he not left, I would not have because I knew he would probably get visitation and the kids would then be on their own when I wasn't around. (He was never a bad dad but he made very poor choices when drinking - things like leaving small children alone and thinking it's ok because they were eating and he was only gone 10 minutes or wanting to go out after the kids were asleep and thinking we didn't need a sitter because they were sleeping.)

This is a tough fight. Taking kids away from one parent is a difficult thing to do and it will get UGLY.

BTW, she sounds bi-polar to me. My dad was bi-polar and they can hide it. It is common for them to try and hide their condition and to believe they are ok. They often go off of their medication because they convince themselves they don't need it.

I would make an appointment with her doctor and tell her doctor all of your concerns. Her doctor cannot tell you anything about her but he/she will know what to look for and may be able to convince your wife to go in for testing. If she is bi-polar and refuses treatment, you should be able to divorce her and take the kids without much hassle. You need a diagnosis before you separate though to keep the kids from having to deal with her issues alone. If you leave, make this the #1 issue in the divorce and don't back down. Best advice my lawyer gave me.

Fortunately, in my case, he stopped drinking. I wish it were so easy for you.

Good luck.
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Old 10-10-2008, 04:01 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
746 posts, read 2,171,149 times
Reputation: 436
I've also been in the situation of having a bi-polar spouse. When I left I took the kids with me and fought for custody. Fortunately, I had proof of his diagnosis and got sole custody of the kids. He still got unsupervised visits initially which were NOT good for them. After over 5 years, he's finally getting his act together and staying on medication. Meanwhile, I've been able to stabilize our home and give them a better life than they would have had if they had stayed.
I agree with a lot of other posters here. Document everything. Call the cops if she gets physically abusive, you need the documentation of her behavior. Consult with a lawyer. Don't leave until you can take the kids with you. If she is abusive, you can force HER to leave so that the kids can keep their home. I know it is harder being the dad to keep the kids but it is possible. Good luck and take care.
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Old 10-11-2008, 05:01 PM
 
12,585 posts, read 16,900,779 times
Reputation: 15255
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
You need to stay, UNLESS you can get full custody of the kids and prevent her from having unsupervised visitation. Otherwise, you sacrifice your kids. They will have to deal with their mother, when alone with her, with no other adult around to help. With you there, at least, they have you to act as a buffer. If you do leave, you have to stop her from seeing the kids alone.

BTDT, BTW. Last year my husband left me. I filed charges of alcoholism immediately and had him proving he was sober to take the kids. I don't want to even tell you what that cost me in legal fees. Had he not left, I would not have because I knew he would probably get visitation and the kids would then be on their own when I wasn't around. (He was never a bad dad but he made very poor choices when drinking - things like leaving small children alone and thinking it's ok because they were eating and he was only gone 10 minutes or wanting to go out after the kids were asleep and thinking we didn't need a sitter because they were sleeping.)

This is a tough fight. Taking kids away from one parent is a difficult thing to do and it will get UGLY.

BTW, she sounds bi-polar to me. My dad was bi-polar and they can hide it. It is common for them to try and hide their condition and to believe they are ok. They often go off of their medication because they convince themselves they don't need it.

I would make an appointment with her doctor and tell her doctor all of your concerns. Her doctor cannot tell you anything about her but he/she will know what to look for and may be able to convince your wife to go in for testing. If she is bi-polar and refuses treatment, you should be able to divorce her and take the kids without much hassle. You need a diagnosis before you separate though to keep the kids from having to deal with her issues alone. If you leave, make this the #1 issue in the divorce and don't back down. Best advice my lawyer gave me.

Fortunately, in my case, he stopped drinking. I wish it were so easy for you.

Good luck.
Thank you so much. I will use this. I don't want it to get UGLY. That is my concern. I will try to talk to her doctor though. That may help.
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Old 10-11-2008, 05:26 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 25,608,397 times
Reputation: 24104
She needs to have herself evaluated.. soon.
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