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Old 10-10-2008, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Zebulon, NC
2,275 posts, read 6,292,844 times
Reputation: 3622

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ultimate_lady View Post
You stay in a long distance relationship for 4 years because you love each other and are willing to make it work. Situations and circumstances (careers & school) would not allow us to be physically together until now. He is ready for us to be in the same state, I just don't know why he is in this funk all of a sudden.
He's in a funk because he doesn't see an end to the "long distance" part of the relationship. Long distance relationships only work if the long distance part is temporary.

Even though you've now offered to move, I can understand him being wary. How is he to know that you won't change your mind at the last minute, or decide you're miserable and pack up and move back?

My husband and I were in a long distance relationship (1100 miles) for a year and a half before we married. It was very difficult, but the thing that kept us going was that there was an end to the long distance in sight.
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Old 10-10-2008, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,863 posts, read 30,119,247 times
Reputation: 19042
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ultimate_lady View Post
Ok, so I've been in a long-distance relationship for almost four years now. I am completely in love with my boyfriend and would do anything to make this relationship work. The only issue that we've ever had in our relationship was the distance. He and I had planned for four years that he was going to move to MD and we would start a life together and then about three weeks ago he decided that he didn't want to move, and the distance was starting to get to him, but he doesn't want to end our relationship. I had begun noticing that we saw less and less of each other, but continued to speak to each other everyday. I don't have the "women's intuition" that he is seeing someone else (and I really don't feel that is the case). Initially I was hurt, then angy and then I moved into action and said, "you know what...I'll move!"

Well, he came to visit me in MD and we had a wonderful time, he actually said that he was feeling much better and didn't know what was wrong with him. In speaking to one of his best friends (who happens to live here) he indicated that he does love me, wants to be with me and knows that he is acting like a jerk. Well, when he went back home several days later, he was back in a funk and back to not knowing what he wants again. Is that normal? I mean at first I thought he was going through the "Oh my goodness I'm about to be 30" phase but he insists that is not the case. I have asked several times if we should end this relationship and he doesn't want that to happen. He has even made plans with my mother to go on a cruise...what in the world could this man be going through? He tells me one thing and then tells my family and his friends something completely different!! What do you think? HELP!
Ok, without knowing to much, I'm going to dive into this, but I am not saying I'm right.

Give him some space...sounds to me, like he's being smothered...when your alone for some time, you become so very comfortable with who you are, and enjoy the quiet time of aloneness...it's something which I cannot describe...and, you do tend to become selfish, the longer you are alone. Now, I can't speak for him...but I will tell you, I wouldn't give up what I have now, for anyone. I would never want to live with a man, let alone marry again...and I couldn't tollerate a room mate.

Here's my suggestion...and without knowning much about your background or his...

Why don't you give him some space...don't call him as much...and by all means, stop trying to pin him down to some kind of committment. Ignore all that, and when he calls, just enjoy him, and be who you were in the beginning...no expectations, no stress, no questions about where we're going with this...just be content and confident with things for awhile. If you stop pushing him...he might do a complete turn around. But, give him time....
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Old 10-10-2008, 01:32 PM
YBF
 
Location: Atlanta, Ga
1,260 posts, read 3,349,981 times
Reputation: 585
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmycat View Post
Syracuse is a truly wretched place to live...iI was stuck there from the age of 10 until I graduated high school, at which point I FLED!!! It's rainy & gray almost every day that it's not snowing, you spend about 20 minutes scraping the ice off your windshield & waiting for the car to heat up if you decide to venture out, it's got the lamest nightlife you've ever seen, the city is ugly, the fashions are worse, and there are A LOT of closed-minded attitudes...please don't get stuck there!!! Make sure this guy is the real deal before you condemn yourself to the hell that Syracuse is!!! I'm really NOT kidding!!!!!!
I know Im from NY and I had/have family in Utica, Albany,Rochester....I hated Upstate NY its worst than being down south..atleast in the south it doesnt snow up to your neck
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Old 10-10-2008, 01:36 PM
YBF
 
Location: Atlanta, Ga
1,260 posts, read 3,349,981 times
Reputation: 585
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Ok, without knowing to much, I'm going to dive into this, but I am not saying I'm right.

Give him some space...sounds to me, like he's being smothered...when your alone for some time, you become so very comfortable with who you are, and enjoy the quiet time of aloneness...it's something which I cannot describe...and, you do tend to become selfish, the longer you are alone. Now, I can't speak for him...but I will tell you, I wouldn't give up what I have now, for anyone. I would never want to live with a man, let alone marry again...and I couldn't tollerate a room mate.

Here's my suggestion...and without knowning much about your background or his...

Why don't you give him some space...don't call him as much...and by all means, stop trying to pin him down to some kind of committment. Ignore all that, and when he calls, just enjoy him, and be who you were in the beginning...no expectations, no stress, no questions about where we're going with this...just be content and confident with things for awhile. If you stop pushing him...he might do a complete turn around. But, give him time....
He has a couple hundred miles of space this had been going on for 4 years and now he needs space...SMH She should of had committment a long time ago!!!!! 4 years of a long distance realtionship??? Come on its time for her to get real and move on with her life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-10-2008, 02:06 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
2,807 posts, read 7,560,234 times
Reputation: 3294
Quote:
Originally Posted by ybf View Post
i know im from ny and i had/have family in utica, albany,rochester....i hated upstate ny its worst than being down south..atleast in the south it doesnt snow up to your neck
lol!:d
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Old 10-10-2008, 04:36 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 25,600,003 times
Reputation: 24104
If you love him, then go to him.
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Old 10-10-2008, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
754 posts, read 1,446,376 times
Reputation: 710
I think you two just need to talk and put it all on the table, whatever it is. If you two were in school for 4 years and managed to stay those years then clearly something is there. The only way to figure out what's holding you both back is to find out what the issues are. Speaking as someone who acknowledges that fact that I am commitment phobic when my bf had to relocate to another state because of work. I have to say that this situation worked very well for me. It gave me the opportunity to "be" with my bf and not feel so committed. When he asked to marry me I completely freaked out. Fortunately, he was still living in another state so when he left I was able to calm down and realize I was letting the fear control me.

Since it's possible it's a combination of fear of commitment and rejection (you previously changed your mind), its really important that you find out what's holding him back. If its fear of commitment you or if there's someone else, at least you'll know exactly where you stand. You can work through the commitment issues but if it's someone else at least you'll be able to walk away and not wonder what if.
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Old 10-11-2008, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,553 posts, read 6,724,397 times
Reputation: 8575
At this point I would say it doesn't matter if there is someone else or not. He either is with you or not. No confusion! I say forget him and don't prolong the agony.
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Old 10-11-2008, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,553 posts, read 6,724,397 times
Reputation: 8575
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Ok, without knowing to much, I'm going to dive into this, but I am not saying I'm right.

Give him some space...sounds to me, like he's being smothered...when your alone for some time, you become so very comfortable with who you are, and enjoy the quiet time of aloneness...it's something which I cannot describe...and, you do tend to become selfish, the longer you are alone. Now, I can't speak for him...but I will tell you, I wouldn't give up what I have now, for anyone. I would never want to live with a man, let alone marry again...and I couldn't tollerate a room mate.

Here's my suggestion...and without knowning much about your background or his...

Why don't you give him some space...don't call him as much...and by all means, stop trying to pin him down to some kind of committment. Ignore all that, and when he calls, just enjoy him, and be who you were in the beginning...no expectations, no stress, no questions about where we're going with this...just be content and confident with things for awhile. If you stop pushing him...he might do a complete turn around. But, give him time....
I don't think it's smothering. I think he's either a wimp or definitely not man enough to say what's what. Who would want a guy like that?
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Old 10-11-2008, 08:52 PM
 
Location: Idaho
873 posts, read 1,585,361 times
Reputation: 257
Four years? That sounds like a man who says, "Yes honey, I'm going to leave my wife". Then stays for the "sake of the children".

I agree with those who stated that there is probably someone else. Sorry, but it's too easy to develop a relationship with someone close then to maintain a relationship with someone afar.

Long distance love affairs rarely work. One of them most often has an excuse not to leave, or not to leave "yet".

There is a guy I know who won't leave due to his children being here. He carries on with a gal back east who waits and waits for him. He tells her that "when they turn 18". Hah!

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't think his children should come first, they should. But this guy can't go potty I swear without checking first to see if the girls need him. He isn't going to leave them when they turn 18. Nor am I saying he should. What I am saying is that nobody has a right to string someone along like that.
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