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Old 10-09-2008, 12:59 PM
 
Location: New York
4 posts, read 4,946 times
Reputation: 10

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Ok..lets begin! I am 25 and ive been in my current relationship for 4 yrs. I am a hard working woman with alot going for myself. My boyfriend on the other hand, is only going to school (which is respectable). But in the 4 yrs hes only worked one. Now, ive never been one to support a guy, but for some reason i cant break out of this shell. ok well when i came to new york i knew nobody, he took me in..wait his family took me in (we still live at his moms house). I am super grateful, too grateful to the point where sometimes i have to slap myself and say i cant owe him for ever! I love him, but i cant handle it any more. I am not a materialistic person, but hes neither stable or on the other hand romantic. When i go dancing, i go with my friends because he doesnt like to go out. But yet he is constantly texting me to see where i am, and when i get home he questions me about who spoke to me or what not. My family thinks hes great as a person, but they hate the fact that he does not push himself to be better. It does bother me when ppl or family tell me he is no good for me and that i should move on already! I understand that, but i cant seem to step up and do it. He is tempermental, immature, not responsible, but he is loyal, honest and he loves me. Dont get me wrong, i have other offers on the table, but i like to focus on my relationship and make sure i am loyal and true. Therefore, i think im trying to give him the benifit of the doubt, but i am getting tired! Since i dont know many ppl in new york, i guess i feel a lil' nervous as whats to come. All i need is some advice as to how to go about this...what should i do? He is such a good man, just not a motivated man. Im basically afraid of risking my future for him. Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-09-2008, 01:09 PM
 
447 posts, read 1,584,061 times
Reputation: 122
not for nothing but your comign to a forum to ask for relationship advice....be prepare is all i can say!!
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Old 10-09-2008, 01:11 PM
 
3,225 posts, read 8,551,111 times
Reputation: 903
Quote:
Originally Posted by SiLveR SpY View Post
Ok..lets begin! I am 25 and ive been in my current relationship for 4 yrs. I am a hard working woman with alot going for myself. My boyfriend on the other hand, is only going to school (which is respectable). But in the 4 yrs hes only worked one. Now, ive never been one to support a guy, but for some reason i cant break out of this shell. ok well when i came to new york i knew nobody, he took me in..wait his family took me in (we still live at his moms house). I am super grateful, too grateful to the point where sometimes i have to slap myself and say i cant owe him for ever! I love him, but i cant handle it any more. I am not a materialistic person, but hes neither stable or on the other hand romantic. When i go dancing, i go with my friends because he doesnt like to go out. But yet he is constantly texting me to see where i am, and when i get home he questions me about who spoke to me or what not. My family thinks hes great as a person, but they hate the fact that he does not push himself to be better. It does bother me when ppl or family tell me he is no good for me and that i should move on already! I understand that, but i cant seem to step up and do it. He is tempermental, immature, not responsible, but he is loyal, honest and he loves me. Dont get me wrong, i have other offers on the table, but i like to focus on my relationship and make sure i am loyal and true. Therefore, i think im trying to give him the benifit of the doubt, but i am getting tired! Since i dont know many ppl in new york, i guess i feel a lil' nervous as whats to come. All i need is some advice as to how to go about this...what should i do? He is such a good man, just not a motivated man. Im basically afraid of risking my future for him. Thanks for listening.
I'm not known to be long winded so my advice is simple: thank his mom for accommodations, dump him and move on.
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Old 10-09-2008, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
4,739 posts, read 8,359,297 times
Reputation: 2979
Maybe he doesn't go out because he is aware that hes not working at the moment and doesn't want to deplete the funds, maybe if you got a second job

All kidding aside I can't think of any advice, if hes in school full time hes got to finish and be working at some point. If hes a good man as you say I think I'd be thankful for him and his parents.
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Old 10-09-2008, 01:19 PM
 
Location: Wethersfield, CT
1,273 posts, read 4,151,489 times
Reputation: 907
I'm recently separated. 35 years old and with my husband for 18 years, married for about 10. Sounds like your boyfriend has control issues. My husband did this to me for a long time. After all of these years, i'm just now realizing how controlling he was.

We had our children very young and he supported me while I went back to college, while working full time to earn my Bachelor's degree. I had always took that into consideration, but he, like your boyfriend, was completely unmotivated and I found myself handling the bulk of the management of the household. My husband was also extremely loyal and loved me, but was also temperamental. Read my post under relationships (Issues with my marriage) and you'll understand where i'm coming from.

My advice to you is if you're truly unhappy, you should consider moving on. You're young, not married and don't have children. Change is a hard thing, but once you've made that step it's easier than you think. You sound like you feel trapped.

On the other hand, if you truly love him and want to make it work, maybe suggest therapy. You don't want to find yourself married, trapped and unhappy.
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Old 10-09-2008, 01:28 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 7,163,442 times
Reputation: 3072
Quote:
Originally Posted by SiLveR SpY View Post
All i need is some advice as to how to go about this...what should i do? He is such a good man, just not a motivated man. Im basically afraid of risking my future for him. Thanks for listening.
PLEASE move on. It's been said a thousand times and it's so true: it's not going to get any better, it's only going to get worse. Many, if not most, men will be loyal to their wives if they are loyal to him. You can find a guy with a modicum of ambition *and* who is a good guy. Don't get bogged down with this guy, nice as he may be. You're only setting yourself up for pain and disappointment.
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Old 10-09-2008, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Incognito
7,005 posts, read 21,285,732 times
Reputation: 5522
Make him an offer he can't refuse. Get a job or get the hell out.
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Old 10-09-2008, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Denver, CO
3,530 posts, read 9,699,545 times
Reputation: 847
I just don't see how some people won't work. I mean actually won't work. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my DH just said, oh, honey, I quit my job! To me, marriage is teamwork. It's so hard, I know believe me, I just had a spat with mine. But you have to keep trying. And you can't even bother trying if the other one is not part of the team.

You are so young. I'd say move on. It's only a matter of time before you find the right guy. And while you are willing to step up, try and work things out, it's obvious he isn't. I guess you just have to see that it won't get better as you can't change people.
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Old 10-09-2008, 02:29 PM
 
1,818 posts, read 3,087,711 times
Reputation: 229
Quote:
Originally Posted by SiLveR SpY View Post
Ok..lets begin! I am 25 and ive been in my current relationship for 4 yrs. I am a hard working woman with alot going for myself. My boyfriend on the other hand, is only going to school (which is respectable). But in the 4 yrs hes only worked one. Now, ive never been one to support a guy, but for some reason i cant break out of this shell. ok well when i came to new york i knew nobody, he took me in..wait his family took me in (we still live at his moms house). I am super grateful, too grateful to the point where sometimes i have to slap myself and say i cant owe him for ever! I love him, but i cant handle it any more. I am not a materialistic person, but hes neither stable or on the other hand romantic. When i go dancing, i go with my friends because he doesnt like to go out. But yet he is constantly texting me to see where i am, and when i get home he questions me about who spoke to me or what not. My family thinks hes great as a person, but they hate the fact that he does not push himself to be better. It does bother me when ppl or family tell me he is no good for me and that i should move on already! I understand that, but i cant seem to step up and do it. He is tempermental, immature, not responsible, but he is loyal, honest and he loves me. Dont get me wrong, i have other offers on the table, but i like to focus on my relationship and make sure i am loyal and true. Therefore, i think im trying to give him the benifit of the doubt, but i am getting tired! Since i dont know many ppl in new york, i guess i feel a lil' nervous as whats to come. All i need is some advice as to how to go about this...what should i do? He is such a good man, just not a motivated man. Im basically afraid of risking my future for him. Thanks for listening.
Sweetie,
The line that you wrote and I made bold, should give you cause for concern. I think you need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship. He does not hold a job and you live with his parents.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
I hope for the best for you
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Old 10-09-2008, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,229 posts, read 16,256,180 times
Reputation: 26005
I was once married to someone similar to him, but I think your guy is even worse. And I really need for you to realize that he WILL NOT CHANGE!!! You have no future with him. Not only would you be unable to build any nest-egg with him, you would be his mother more than anything else. In due time you would lose respect for him until you hate him. What you're lucky to have, is your youth. You're too young to worry about a relationship with anybody, so please don't waste your good years on someone who will zap it away from you.
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