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Old 10-10-2008, 10:56 PM
 
123 posts, read 222,046 times
Reputation: 96
Default Advise on whether I should email him. Draft of email included

Meditating on this this morning didn't help.So I need your input.Be gentle pls.

Here's the story:

There was this guy I was dating who was pretty serious about me. Alas, I was non-committal and so from proper dinner dates and invites to his friends' bbq, it has trickled to late night booty calls (me texting him and going over to his place - something which I'm not proud of.)

Thing is when we bump into each other outside, there's that stolen glances, squeezing of hands, basically affectionate gestures that suggest maybe,just maybe I can reverse the time back to when he wanted it serious.(It's not the flirtatious, lets-go-home-together-look in case u guys are thinking so.)

I think I might have set the motion for it to be casual. Have not got a chance to discuss this with him in person.

So I am thinking of dropping him an email/fb msg. I'm not sure for closure or maybe to gauge whether can there be something more at this stage. Is this wise? (would have called but he hates phone calls. doesn't even answer his mum/friends call unless it's him calling to wish happy birthday and such.and I'm scared to do it face to face.)

Nonetheless, here's a draft:

Hey you.

Just wanted to apologise for always texting you at inappropriate hours. I blame alcohol (it’s like a truth serum) and my weak attempt to revisit the time when we had great conversations at the initial stage of knowing each other.

I realised that there might have been a lot of misreading between us for which we never did clear up. Subconsciously or not after that, I had set the motion for us to be casual partners – something which we both originally did not intend for.

Wanted to tell you the above in person last weekend hence the movie date, but the movie wasn’t exactly promoting the ideal values. (I should have read the sypnosis. Plus, Woody Allen is not exactly Nick Cassavetes’ material)

I honestly enjoy your company and find that we do have a lot of things in common. I also remember the level of attraction and chemistry between us from the first night at ** to the next couple of dates. Unfortunately, we were approaching it at a different phase and lost the footing at some stage.

Not sure where this msg is headed now so best for me to conclude it here. Just wanted to share the above thoughts lest I never get a chance.

Enjoy your weekend.

---
*we watched Vicky Christina Barcelona - WRONG movie to watch

comments? or should i just hold my silence and not ponder on the what ifs?
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Old 10-11-2008, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Sydney, Australia
283 posts, read 434,631 times
Reputation: 169
dont see anything wrong with either sending the email to him or how it's worded
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Old 10-11-2008, 09:04 AM
 
Location: USA
1,860 posts, read 2,598,114 times
Reputation: 1755
Send it but be aware, the chances of a relationship now, are virtually nil.

Once you've gone to booty calls aka friends with benefits, you cannot upgrade.

Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free etc.....
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Old 10-11-2008, 10:01 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,778,950 times
Reputation: 9765
I wouldn't send the email. And for clarification purposes, was alcohol responsible for your late night texting of him? I think that all you need to do is stop with the late night texting. At least, don't you send him the first message. Then, if he texts you, resist going over to his place. Tell him that you have to work early the next morning, then YOU make a suggestion for a date. And stick to this. Break the late night hookup cycle, and start to have dates again.

I think that to send him an email will be a turnoff because he's not going to like you overthinking your relationship. Instead, just casually start up your dating cycle again. Do the dinner thing, do another activity before going home together. Then once the dating is established, once in a while, a late night hookup is fine, and he'll like having a girlfriend that is honest about her physical needs.

And be strong enough, that if he won't "date" you again, walk away from the relationship and start new with another guy. But no email or involved awkward conversation. I don't think that you have anything to apologize for. And there is nothing wrong with preferring the dating format to the FWB one. And while dating, just have a good time with him. I think that guys like dates too. So as long as the movies and restaurants are ones that he wants to go to also, you're fine.

You didn't say if wth your former dates, did he pay for everyone or did you share the expenses? I think that if you want it to be a long term relationship, alternating paying for the dates is a good thing for a woman. Splitting each bill is for friends.
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Old 10-11-2008, 10:13 AM
 
413 posts, read 704,700 times
Reputation: 396
You should think past sending this email. What if he doesn't respond? What if his behavior toward you remains the same? Will you then have to ask him for a response? How awkward.

I think you should find some way of bringing up this subject face to face. Even, "Do you remember when we first started seeing each other?" could open up a dialogue. Just don't push.
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Old 10-11-2008, 10:14 AM
 
Location: Idaho
873 posts, read 988,177 times
Reputation: 256
A lot of men begin acting as if they want a serious relationship. The woman caves in and bingo, he has what he wants and that's all he wanted in the first place.

He doesn't like phone calls but doesn't mind you staying there? This guy is hardly worth it. I'd move on, fast. It's a shame really. He'll undoubtedly swindle another girl soon.
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Old 10-11-2008, 10:37 AM
 
123 posts, read 222,046 times
Reputation: 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
I wouldn't send the email. And for clarification purposes, was alcohol responsible for your late night texting of him? I think that all you need to do is stop with the late night texting. At least, don't you send him the first message. Then, if he texts you, resist going over to his place. Tell him that you have to work early the next morning, then YOU make a suggestion for a date. And stick to this. Break the late night hookup cycle, and start to have dates again.

I think that to send him an email will be a turnoff because he's not going to like you overthinking your relationship. Instead, just casually start up your dating cycle again. Do the dinner thing, do another activity before going home together. Then once the dating is established, once in a while, a late night hookup is fine, and he'll like having a girlfriend that is honest about her physical needs.

And be strong enough, that if he won't "date" you again, walk away from the relationship and start new with another guy. But no email or involved awkward conversation. I don't think that you have anything to apologize for. And there is nothing wrong with preferring the dating format to the FWB one. And while dating, just have a good time with him. I think that guys like dates too. So as long as the movies and restaurants are ones that he wants to go to also, you're fine.

You didn't say if wth your former dates, did he pay for everyone or did you share the expenses? I think that if you want it to be a long term relationship, alternating paying for the dates is a good thing for a woman. Splitting each bill is for friends.
Thanks Miu. You always dish some of the greatest advice.

Thing is he did all the right stuff. He made sure he invited me over to his place only on the 3rd date. He is a perfect gentleman and I blame my fear of commitment then for acting so nonchalant.


You are right about the drunk texting. What's sad or even embarrassingn is that not once has initiated to meet last minute. We drifted apart at one point and from there I would text him randomly asking to meet.

He always ask me out in advance, and once even ask me to go to a wedding with him.


I guess I have set my own ending to this chapter but now intends to change it.it's obvious also that he's matured whereas I'm just starting to fully appreciate relationships and commitment.

You reckon I really shldnt?

Any guys here to comment too?
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Old 10-11-2008, 10:40 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,778,950 times
Reputation: 9765
See... the two of you never discussed transitioning from dating to a FWB. So why discuss changing it back? Just suggest a "date" and see if it goes for it. Then from there, another "date" and progress back towards dating and not being a FWB. If he tries to avoid going back to dating, then you will know how he feels.

And I don't think that he's consciously made you into an FWB, he's just passively going with the flow. Either way, he gets sex out of it. So as a guy, he's happy with either. What you need to do is start up the dating process again, and to make sure that both of you are having a good time during the dates. Don't send the email or try to have him analyze your friendship. Men just don't fuss over the details like us womenfolk do. And if you ask him to analyze it, he could just pick apart the relationship in a negative way. So don't ask, just push your relationship back towards dating and hopefully, he doesn't resist.
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Old 10-11-2008, 10:47 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
15,537 posts, read 17,671,283 times
Reputation: 23811
I have a feeling you WERE a potential wife and mother of his children. Now you have reduced yourself to a drunken booty call girl. You can't unring a bell.
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Old 10-11-2008, 10:51 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,778,950 times
Reputation: 9765
Are there any fun upcoming events in your life that would require a date? Again, don't stress out over this. It doesn't seem like there is another woman in the wings waiting to pounce on him and to make him her boyfriend. Instead of fussing that he isn't asking you out on a "date", it's on you to find some fun date stuff for the two of you to enjoy. I don't know where you live, but if there was a good musical in town like Spamalot, it's worth finding out the ticket availablity and seeing if he'd like to go with you. You could say that one of your friends can't use their tickets, so would he like to be your date? What's he interested in? Right now, my fine arts museum has a special exhibit on ancient Assyrian carvings. So if he's an Indiana Jones fan, he might like to check that out.

But take a stab at you initiating a date and see what happens. If all goes well, if he doesn't ask you out again soon, try another date suggestion a few weeks later. Don't act desperate, don't be too available. Make them quality dates. Make them lighthearted and fun. Between the dates, be busy with work projects or your other girlfriends. Don't let him think that you are waiting for him to ask you out again. And don't make him think that there could be another guy. I say that because you want him to know that he's the only guy you want romantically. Just act busy with the rest of your life in a good productive way. Actually to keep you busy midweek, think seriously about taking an adult ed class or do some volunteer work. And that gives you more to talk about with him. It also makes you a more interesting person to be with.

Good luck!
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