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Old 07-13-2012, 10:13 AM
 
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Yes. It's much easier to get over it when by default you get the kids.

 
Old 07-13-2012, 10:17 AM
 
Location: NYC
545 posts, read 906,582 times
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Ya know the old saying, the only way to get over one man is to get under another.
 
Old 07-13-2012, 10:41 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rathagos View Post
Women get the kids, the house, the car, alimony (sometimes), and child support (if the dad's not a deadbeat). What's so hard to get over for women?

In all seriousness, it's as the others have said, it depends on how the relationship ended. If the guy was a cheating pig, then the initial hurt gives way to common sense on what an idiot he was. On the other hand, if she was a controlling, nagging freak, the same may apply to guys.

I think it's hard to address a generalization on who has it worse, because each relationship evolves differently.

I will say this, though. I think after your first divorce, it's easier to deal with divorce again regardless of whether you're a man or woman. The first time failure hits the hardest, in my opinion. That's where the ideal that "marriage is forever" first takes it's turn for the worst. I really respect people that can make their first marriage work out (and be happy in it - not say "we've been married for 65 years, and she lives in a different part of the house" stuff).
For starters -not this crap again. Child support isn't a perk. As for the division of monetary assets there is usually more to the financial portfolio than just the house and the car.

Secondly, you just totally contradicted yourself with what is highlighted bold.

Third, when my parents divorced -she took absolutely nothing. He'd cheated on her his whole life and she just walked out empty handed. They built a company TOGETHER and if she went after him financially it would have crippled that business and she left the house too for the same reasons.

As for who gets over it faster it is all anecdotal, there are no cold hard facts to speculate otherwise. Since divorcing my mother my father has been married three times and my mother never emotionally survived her first date after the divorce,
 
Old 07-13-2012, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,201 posts, read 84,060,701 times
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I have read articles on this. The reason women often seem to get over the divorce more quickly is that they've seen it coming long before the man usually has. One good story gave an example that went something like this:

The woman has issues in the marriage, whatever they are, and tries to speak with her husband about fixing them.

The man just hears that he's being nagged/criticized, and shuts her out, not really listening to what she has to say (whether it's valid or not. The point is that he's only hearing "I'm being nagged".)

After being shut out enough times, the woman feels as if the man doesn't care enough about her/the marriage to work to improve, and eventually she gives up hope that things will work out. She stops making attempts to talk.

The man thinks, "Wow, great, she's stopped nagging me! All is well now." He's not picking up that the silence is a bad sign, not a good sign.

She gets to the point where she decides it's time to go, since she's known for quite a while now that the marriage is hopeless. She files for divorce/leaves.

The man sits there stunned, because in his mind, all was going well.

Simplified, of course, and it doesn't apply to every divorce, of course, but I don't think too far from the truth in many cases.

Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 07-13-2012 at 12:16 PM..
 
Old 07-13-2012, 12:26 PM
 
3,622 posts, read 5,580,129 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I have read articles on this. The reason women often seem to get over the divorce more quickly is that they've seen it coming long before the man usually has. One good story gave an example that went something like this:

The woman has issues in the marriage, whatever they are, and tries to speak with her husband about fixing them.

The man just hears that he's being nagged/criticized, and shuts her out, not really listening to what she has to say (whether it's valid or not. The point is that he's only hearing "I'm being nagged".)

After being shut out enough times, the woman feels as if the man doesn't care enough about her/the marriage to work to improve, and eventually she gives up hope that things will work out. She stops making attempts to talk.

The man thinks, "Wow, great, she's stopped nagging me! All is well now." He's not picking up that the silence is a bad sign, not a good sign.

She gets to the point where she decides it's time to go, since she's known for quite a while now that the marriage is hopeless. She files for divorce/leaves.

The man sits there stunned, because in his mind, all was going well.

Simplified, of course, and it doesn't apply to every divorce, of course, but I don't think too far from the truth in many cases.
That's exactly right. IMO, sad but true.
 
Old 07-13-2012, 12:59 PM
 
837 posts, read 1,285,007 times
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I don't think so. From the people I know, men get over it much more easily. Men seem to remarry much quicker, though, that's a given. But then, the legal system was made to benefit women. And women wonder why today's young men cringe at the thought of marriage.
 
Old 07-13-2012, 01:41 PM
 
3,622 posts, read 5,580,129 times
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I thought I would clarify that I think it's easier for the person to move on who tried to work on things throughout the marriage and feels as if their efforts were ignored. I think there tends to be one person who takes things for granted.
 
Old 05-08-2013, 08:28 AM
 
Location: moved
13,582 posts, read 9,610,100 times
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Old thread, but the subject is timeless. Mightyqueen801 made a prescient observation, and I’d like to elaborate.

One hears that in America, the majority of divorces (2/3rds?) are initiated by the wife.

If an older couple splits because the putative alpha-male tires of his partner and seeks an “upgrade”, then it stands to reason that the wife would feel more devastated and would be more burdened in recovery, even if financially she does OK in the divorce.

But what about a younger or middle-aged couple? It would appear that men have a checklist for what they expect from the marriage, and if most items are met, they remain satisfied and persevere. Men believe that if they discharge the responsibilities of husbandhood, their mate ought to be happy. Women, on the other hand, crave emotional fulfillment from the marriage. The husband might be faithful and materially committed to the marriage, but if the chemistry is gone, so too goes the marriage. “Fulfillment” is a slippery, ineffable thing. How does a woman explain to a man that things aren’t right? She can “nag”, she can bring up specific points. But it isn’t really the specifics that trouble her. Certainly, the husband can exacerbate the tension by disregarding his wife’s complaints. But even listening to them might not help. The fault isn’t in his willful indifference, but in his incapacity to provide the sort of emotional basis that the wife craves.

If the woman loves her mate, she too will persevere for a while, in attempt to make the marriage work. But eventually she surrenders to what she feels is inevitable, and presses the eject-button.

The man, suspecting nothing amiss, is flabbergasted and distraught. Even if he recovers from the divorce settlement and retains a healthy career, investment portfolio, physical health and so forth, he’ll still harbor resentment over the shock and over what he’d regard as betrayal. That makes bouncing back – either as self-sufficient single person or in a new relationship – all the more difficult. Meanwhile, the ex-wife might also struggle forming new relationships, but because she mentally exited the marriage long before the actual divorce, she’s had more time to prepare, and better capacity to sort out her feelings.
 
Old 05-08-2013, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Chicago
3,391 posts, read 4,467,581 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by averagejoe76 View Post
I have noticed in my life that women move on very quickly after..
A divorce.I have seen guys who after a year or two are still in..
Denial.Im guessing that women have wanted the divorce for..
A long time before they actually did it and are ready to move on.
There might be some truth to this. If so, I suspect 2 reasons:

1) Women initiate divorce proceedings about 75% of the time. Given this fact, it is understandable why women might seem to cope well with divorce more often then men.

2) Women often have stronger social networks than men do. After a divorce, many women have a large number of close, sympathetic female friends to fall back on for emotional support. This is less often true for men.
 
Old 05-08-2013, 10:18 AM
 
8,077 posts, read 10,010,127 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by averagejoe76 View Post
Im guessing that women have wanted the divorce for..
A long time before they actually did it and are ready to move on.
i have to say that i was very naiive about women and divorce.

Women spend a LOT Of time ensuring that they get what they want, and making sure that the man is put in a position to pay for it. Whether it be jewelry, or kids, women are many times (much more than i ever dreamed possible) scheming for a LONG time on how to 'pull this off' and make him pay.

I don't think men, in general, deal in that realm.

My ex little by little ensured that she had assets which were easily safeguarded, and possibly turned into cash--both of which disappeared during the divorce. She opened a couple of bank accounts of her own (she was employed off and on, so it didn't seem extraordinary to me (duh!), and little by little she prepared for the moment when she sprung the trap. I sat there in mediation suggesting we give it a trial seperation. She had already filed, swiped everything from the family safe, raided the (joint) bank accounts and run up the credit cards.

She was clearly thinking about this for a long time, had planned (well, i must admit) to pull it off, and ran with the kids (and the dog (ha!), at the same time she filed domestic abuse charges.

The funny thing is, to this this day, some ten years later, the idea that what was hers is hers, and what is ours, is also hers, pervades her every move. She was SO ready to move on, and i think got over the divorce pretty quickly, but has never gotten over the evil ideas that many women harbor that men are there to be used until death.

So, did she get over it easier? Yes, and no. But she sure still is miserable and angry. No denying that.
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