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Old 10-15-2008, 02:24 PM
 
130 posts, read 289,042 times
Reputation: 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by cluelessonmen View Post
After sleeping on the matter...and thinking about..it ...maybe some of you guys are right...I'm making a big deal out of nothing...and yes most people are in their best behavior when you first meet them...which is crap...I hate that...It's like buying a used waxed shiny car..and only to find out later that it's a lemon...He did tell me before that he was horrible at relationships and he was very clueless on women...and is starting to figure things out...On the other hand...I have this personality where I crave to help people out...but I learned a long time ago some just like the attention and you can't really change people they change themselves...
"horrible at relationships" can mean different things (is he horrible because he cheats, or is it more that he isn't good at planning dates, etc.? -- these are qualitatively different things.) Did you ask him what he meant when he said that? Also, does he want to be good at relationships, or is he content to be bad at them? A simple "hey, remember when you said you were horrible at relationships? what did you mean?" might give you some good information.

My read on your situation is that he has moved into the comfortable zone with you--that he's secure enough in you and the relationship to be able to give it a little room. (My BF did this with me--it was a sign that he was MORE committed, not less.) But maybe you can just ask him where he's at. From what you wrote, it seems like there is consistent contact & communication along with frequent dating. How does it feel when you're with him?

What you MAY have there is a good guy who is not a game player, but also not "smooth" when it comes to women. These are the kind of men (when they are secure in themselves) that respond well when you just ask for what you want--because at their core, they want to make you happy they just may not know how or what to do. No man is a mind reader.

I do agree with others about the dangers of 'game playing.' However, if you find yourself sitting around waiting for him to make plans before you commit to other things (speaking from experience ) I would suggest you go ahead and make other plans. There IS something about not always being available--but I mean this in the spirit of living your own life and being your own interesting person, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. The right guy will appreciate this about you.

At the end of the day, you get to decide whether or not it (he) works for you. Whether or not that car--with the wax worn off--is still appealing. Getting to know someone without all that shiny packaging--and liking them anyway--is true intimacy and not for the faint of heart, but well worth the effort.
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Old 10-15-2008, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Cosmic Consciousness
3,874 posts, read 11,307,616 times
Reputation: 2445
Don't YOU ever plan things to do? Are you delighted when he plans out things for the two of you to do together? Well, wouldn't he be happy to know that YOU care that much about HIM too?

Joyous relationships are not 100%-50%. They are 100%-100%, each giving all, accepting all, enjoying all, open-handedly and open-heartedly.
The more you give, the more you open your entire being to receiving more. When you hold back, you tell the Universe that you want to be only partially happy, not fully. The more you give, the more you receive. The more you enjoy, the more you will find to enjoy. The more you love, the more you will be loved.
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Old 10-15-2008, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,555 posts, read 4,089,025 times
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That should work; however, I know couples where one gives so much that the other is used to it and doesn't think about giving back.
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Old 10-15-2008, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Cosmic Consciousness
3,874 posts, read 11,307,616 times
Reputation: 2445
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
That should work; however, I know couples where one gives so much that the other is used to it and doesn't think about giving back.
Then the people are mis-matched, and it's time for them to lovingly talk out their mis-match and find a mutually satisfying meeting in the middle, or time to send their individual journeys in different directions.
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Old 10-15-2008, 04:09 PM
 
11 posts, read 38,372 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by allforcats View Post
Don't YOU ever plan things to do? Are you delighted when he plans out things for the two of you to do together? Well, wouldn't he be happy to know that YOU care that much about HIM too?

Joyous relationships are not 100%-50%. They are 100%-100%, each giving all, accepting all, enjoying all, open-handedly and open-heartedly.
The more you give, the more you open your entire being to receiving more. When you hold back, you tell the Universe that you want to be only partially happy, not fully. The more you give, the more you receive. The more you enjoy, the more you will find to enjoy. The more you love, the more you will be loved.
Don't get me wrong...we alternate weekends when it comes to planning things to do...I never ever let him pay all the time...I don't like that...I like taking him out too...btw Allforcats...why does it sound like you've read "the secret"
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Old 10-15-2008, 04:13 PM
 
11 posts, read 38,372 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeThings View Post
"horrible at relationships" can mean different things (is he horrible because he cheats, or is it more that he isn't good at planning dates, etc.? -- these are qualitatively different things.) Did you ask him what he meant when he said that? Also, does he want to be good at relationships, or is he content to be bad at them? A simple "hey, remember when you said you were horrible at relationships? what did you mean?" might give you some good information.
He's not very good at being so smooth...we both abhor cheaters.....
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Old 10-15-2008, 05:09 PM
 
130 posts, read 289,042 times
Reputation: 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by cluelessonmen View Post
He's not very good at being so smooth...we both abhor cheaters.....
My guy's not so good at "smooth" either. When he manages to pull it off, we both laugh. It's kind of a joke between us now--I'll set him up to say or do something smooth... if he misses I give him a "dude, I totally set you up and you MISSED it!"

What he IS good at is honesty, genuine caring, consistency, and making me feel loved and special. This looks different from the fervent courting I may have experienced from some other guys (you know, the kind that looks good at first but the guy doesn't stick around for the real relationship part...) but feels way, way better--it's the kind of stuff that allows me to trust him completely.

That having been said, I remember being a little freaked out at around the 3 month mark and again at a few more points along the way... These were the points when our relationship "grew" to that next level -- and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ends up he actually had both feet on the ground the whole time.

Time, and paying attention to how you feel when you're with him, will tell you everything you need to know.
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Old 10-15-2008, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,555 posts, read 4,089,025 times
Reputation: 8520
Quote:
Originally Posted by allforcats View Post
Then the people are mis-matched, and it's time for them to lovingly talk out their mis-match and find a mutually satisfying meeting in the middle, or time to send their individual journeys in different directions.
Unfortunately, the majority of people don't do that; many don't even have that kind of communication skill.
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