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Old 10-15-2008, 10:45 PM
 
18 posts, read 47,874 times
Reputation: 23

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I am 51 years old and I've been dating a 56-year-old guy for almost 4 years. His wife died just before we started dating, and I still think he jumped into dating too quickly. I've been divorced for several years. So both of us have been on our own for awhile, and we're used to sleeping alone. But, after all this time, he gets anxious if I ask him to stay over, and he still never invites me over to his house. We have spent only a few nights per year together. We are both busy with work, and I still have one teenager at home, so it's not as if we have a lot of time to spend together even if we wanted to, but it seems to me that we should have made some progress toward being closer, after all this time. I enjoy having some companionship on weekends and 1-2 evenings per week, but there's almost no intimacy. Actually the last time we were intimate, he called me by his wife's name, which was a major turnoff to me. I feel like I've been trying to accommodate his anxiety and grief without really having somebody who wants to be close to me in any real way. At the same time I have some walls because I don't want this person to hurt me. I'm losing the motivation to work on the "sleeping together" thing, but I don't know if this is normal for someone at my age/life stage or not. I feel like I'm in limbo and I've forgotten how "normal" relationships usually progress. Any advice?
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Old 10-15-2008, 10:54 PM
 
Location: Cincinnati via Chicago...Michigan next?
929 posts, read 1,737,517 times
Reputation: 393
wow, this is tricky because on the one hand your are dealing with a widow but on the other hand it has been 4 years. In four years you definitly should be having more companionship with him than what you have and if he STILL is thinking of his wife during sex, he may not be over her. I think he is having a problem moving on. Yeah the first year I may not want anyone sleeping in my bed but after the 2nd year...
where do you want this relationship to go? re-marriage? just a cuddle buddy? or companionship? This is one where you are going to have to sit down and talk to hima nd tell himw hat you are feeling and see where he is coming from. Either he doesnt want anything serious or he isnt over his wife. Either way, you deserve answers.
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Old 10-16-2008, 12:18 AM
 
Location: MN
314 posts, read 474,765 times
Reputation: 331
Sometimes people who have lost a loved one don't take the time to grieve and remember. After a 4 year investment I would be seriously questioning where things are going. You need to decide FIRST what you want-and then how long are you willing to wait for it to happen. Me, personally, I would have been gone long ago-when someone is in my life they are all the way in and I don't share. Good luck-looks like you have to take some time to sort things out. People do make time for the things important to them, jobs, families etc can be adjusted.
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Old 10-16-2008, 02:44 PM
 
25,262 posts, read 27,388,177 times
Reputation: 34520
Well, there are three basic phases:

1) The honeymoon stage. That's when you do it all the time.
2) The mature stage. That's when you do it a handful of times a month.
3) The hallway stage. That's when you say "F*** you" as you pass each other in the hallway.
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Old 10-19-2008, 07:53 PM
 
1,218 posts, read 2,681,647 times
Reputation: 1082
1) introduction
2) horizontal bop
3) get dressed and leave
4) meet buddies for a beer
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Old 10-19-2008, 11:23 PM
 
25,169 posts, read 34,410,134 times
Reputation: 6709
Hey mario

Well in relationships it goes up and down like roller coaster and there is never really ever any peace and reliability.
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Old 10-20-2008, 12:09 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,250 posts, read 6,696,102 times
Reputation: 5924
Well being called the deceased wife's name during intimacy is a "wee bit" of a turn-off. I would be calling that man another name during the height of passion/orgasm. But that's just me. I can be a hose-bag like that to provoke a heads-up. Sounds to me like you are bored ho-hum with the guy and feel he may be utilizing you as a Band-Aid or a crutch.
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Old 10-20-2008, 06:14 AM
 
480 posts, read 1,599,807 times
Reputation: 359
Quote:
Originally Posted by MARYNO View Post
I am 51 years old and I've been dating a 56-year-old guy for almost 4 years. His wife died just before we started dating, and I still think he jumped into dating too quickly. I've been divorced for several years. So both of us have been on our own for awhile, and we're used to sleeping alone. But, after all this time, he gets anxious if I ask him to stay over, and he still never invites me over to his house. We have spent only a few nights per year together. We are both busy with work, and I still have one teenager at home, so it's not as if we have a lot of time to spend together even if we wanted to, but it seems to me that we should have made some progress toward being closer, after all this time. I enjoy having some companionship on weekends and 1-2 evenings per week, but there's almost no intimacy. Actually the last time we were intimate, he called me by his wife's name, which was a major turnoff to me. I feel like I've been trying to accommodate his anxiety and grief without really having somebody who wants to be close to me in any real way. At the same time I have some walls because I don't want this person to hurt me. I'm losing the motivation to work on the "sleeping together" thing, but I don't know if this is normal for someone at my age/life stage or not. I feel like I'm in limbo and I've forgotten how "normal" relationships usually progress. Any advice?
If I was in your position, I would copy everything you wrote here, paste it into a document, and leave the letter somewhere where you know it will be found by your boyfriend.

Just guessing here, but here's my analysis:

I think it's pretty clear that this guy didn't take time out to go through the process of grief. That, however, is quite normal ... especially for guys. Men are socialized to avoid emotions, and grief is uncomfortable even when dealt with in a completely healthy manner. I'm not the least bit surprised that he sought out companionship as soon as he could. He's not unusual in that regard.

If I had to guess, I would say that he is getting his needs met by your relationship. He seems to have sought out the relationship for companionship purposes, so he doesn't feel the need for things to change. However, you are not getting your needs met ... and it is your responsibility to communicate this to him clearly.

I like the idea of using a letter, because guys tend to get scared if a woman starts the conversation with "Let's talk" (or some other variation). It's in a dude's DNA to be scared of that conversation! That's why the idea of a letter is nice: it conveys the message, allows him time to think about what you have stated, and allows him space to come up with thoughts of his own.

I'm guessing that he is a good guy who has simply not dealt with his grief. I hope that you can encourage him to work on that. I also would implore you to give this man a chance; he sounds like a good guy, just a bit hapless.

However, FWIW, sexual drive does not have to diminish with age. Good for you, sticking up for your libido! You deserve a good lay, and I genuinely hope you find it with this guy (or someone else, should this not work out)!

I wish you peace.
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Old 10-20-2008, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 9,678,529 times
Reputation: 3630
The natural progression of a relationship depends on what your goal your the relationship is. If you are looking for a long term close relationship, you are not going to find it with your current partner. If after four years you haven't gotten any closer, you are not going to. And I would not be in a relationship with a man who called me by his widow's name while we were intimate. He obviously hasn't moved on and isn't going to anytime soon. But if you just want an every once in a while thing, then you already have the perfect arrangement.
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Old 10-20-2008, 10:27 AM
 
Location: Virginia
6,530 posts, read 9,217,294 times
Reputation: 3057
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
Well being called the deceased wife's name during intimacy is a "wee bit" of a turn-off.
Yeah, if he can't tell the difference between you and a dead person while you're having sex that's probably not saying much for your sexual prowess.....




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