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Old 10-16-2008, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 14,605,748 times
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I wouldn't want to meet with that woman. I can't believe the women wanted to meet her after all that had happened and so much time going by with no communication. Call me bitter but hey, if you don't want to talk to me for years at a time and then all of a sudden you want a lunch date, call another person I'm not interested!
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Old 10-16-2008, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,338,735 times
Reputation: 40194
Quote:
Originally Posted by andreaspercheron View Post
I wouldn't want to meet with that woman. I can't believe the women wanted to meet her after all that had happened and so much time going by with no communication. Call me bitter but hey, if you don't want to talk to me for years at a time and then all of a sudden you want a lunch date, call another person I'm not interested!
I think you misread the letter..."that woman" was a child born to the father in his second marriage. It is not her fault that his first marriage broke up. She recognizes her fathers older daughter as her half sister and just wants to try to establish a relationship between the two of them - sister to sister. If you had a blood sister or brother out in the world that you had never met, wouldn't you like to at least meet them once to see if there is the possibility of developing a relationship???
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Old 10-16-2008, 01:32 PM
 
478 posts, read 2,297,824 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
WOAH, where did you get all THAT? I do agree however that this woman needs some therapy for sure!
The quote from the article is this:

The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal.

I agree that, in most circumstances, forgiveness is the primary objective.

HOWEVER, in this instance, two things are important:

(1) I would agree with her meeting the half-sister right away if she had someone close (i.e., family) with whom she could discuss this. From the letter, she makes it sound like she doesn't have that. I agree that she does sound very alone ... however, I don't think the half-sister is in a good position to be a listening ear.

(2) She needs to discuss this in a more in-depth setting than just a letter to an advice columnist. She sounds very upset and hurt, at least. There is a lot of unacknowledged anger in her letter, and given the actions of her brother, therapy is mandatory. Suicide is an act of surreptitious violence, and it sounds like she needs healing from her brother's exit as well as her mother's before she can deal with the other family. Her work is cut out for her and there is a path that she must take; the half-sister has got to wait.

I reacted strongly to the letter because of the mention of suicide, as well as the underlying hurt conveyed when the original letter writer discussed her mother's death. That alone suggests there is a lot of work to be done based around her father's (perceived) abandonment. Abandonment issues are enormous and I would not suggest that she meet the half-sister right away, as that could ultimately do more harm than good.

(See again, the mention of suicide ...)
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Old 10-16-2008, 01:59 PM
 
Location: Arkansas
167 posts, read 477,642 times
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The only two people who really know what went wrong with that original marriage are her parents. She was a child. Divorce isn't always one-sided. As an adult my curious nature would want to know both sides of the story.
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Old 10-16-2008, 02:02 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,553 posts, read 6,721,143 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I read this letter to Dear Abby, and I agree with her advice. However, I'm betting not all people will.

WOMAN RESISTS HALF-SISTER'S EFFORT TO MAKE A CONNECTION
Sun Oct 12


DEAR ABBY: My father left my mother for a woman I'll call "Sheila" he met at work. I was only 7. My brother was 9 at the time; he committed suicide at the age of 20.

My father and Sheila eventually married and had four children who are now grown. Their oldest was born while my parents were still legally married.

My mother never wanted a divorce. She gave him one reluctantly when she knew all was lost, but she never got over it. Although Mom never said an unkind word about my father, she was never the same woman. Basically, she devoted her life to my brother and me, her home and her full-time job. She died last year after a brief illness, and my father didn't even attend the funeral.

Two weeks ago, I received a long letter from one of Dad and Sheila's kids. In it she told me that she had nothing to do with what happened, so couldn't we get to know one another? She extended an open invitation to lunch or dinner.

The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal. Abby, what do you think I should do? -- DISCONCERTED IN NEW YORK

DEAR DISCONCERTED: Thank you for asking. I think you should take your half-sister up on her offer and meet her. She's right -- she had nothing to do with the unhappy ending to your parents' marriage.

While I can understand your anger and bitterness, please try to keep an open mind and go with no expectations. This woman may -- or may not -- be the most sensitive of the bunch, and it will be interesting to find out why she reached out to you. As I see it, you have nothing to lose, and she may be able to give you a new perspective.
I believe the best responses are made from people who have known similar losses of this kind. They understand the extreme pain and suffering that one undergoes. I have learned that it is best to leave a painful past behind and that an uncomplicated life is a much nicer life. But if she feels she would not be affected emotionally in any way but is just curious, then go ahead; otherwise no.

Last edited by Aylalou; 10-16-2008 at 02:15 PM..
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Old 10-16-2008, 03:16 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,338,735 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
I believe the best responses are made from people who have known similar losses of this kind. They understand the extreme pain and suffering that one undergoes. I have learned that it is best to leave a painful past behind and that an uncomplicated life is a much nicer life. But if she feels she would not be affected emotionally in any way but is just curious, then go ahead; otherwise no.
Not that I disagree with you , but sometimes we are our own worst enemies - we perpetuate our own suffering as a way to avoid dealing with and getting past the painful things in life.
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Old 10-16-2008, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,553 posts, read 6,721,143 times
Reputation: 8575
I agree one must deal with these things but it doesn't mean meeting the sister. That could add to pain and break an already open sore. There are other ways of dealing with it - soul-searching, gaining some kind of understanding as to how you want to live with your life and moving on.

Last edited by Aylalou; 10-16-2008 at 04:14 PM..
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Old 10-16-2008, 04:45 PM
 
478 posts, read 2,297,824 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Not that I disagree with you , but sometimes we are our own worst enemies - we perpetuate our own suffering as a way to avoid dealing with and getting past the painful things in life.
I work with a group of women who were abused sexually as children. The effects of sexual abuse tend to avoid uniformity; however, I have noticed one very strong association:

Women who were abused over a long period of time (over years) by close family members tended to come from profoundly dysfunctional family systems, and that made the process of healing (and even forgiveness) a profoundly different act.

I once knew a woman who -- like you -- wanted to believe that she could forgive her abuser (who was the head of her family structure). However, she went on a visit to offer her forgiveness to her abuser and found herself faced with the same responses that she had been met with in the past: blame, refusal to claim responsibility, vilification, etc.

Faced with such a hostile response, she hanged herself shortly thereafter.

I do not know everything in this world, but I do know this: a family in which a child kills himself when barely into his adult years is a child coming from a very dysfunctional family unit. That much is clear. And that the Original Letter Writer mentioned her brother's suicide in the same short paragraph as her father's abandonment suggests strongly to me that she not only associates her father's abandonment with her brother's destruction, but that she has more than enough anger and disappointment surrounding this event in her life that she needs to approach this situation from a very different viewpoint.

In short, she needs to practice self-care first, foremost, and absolutely.

I would strongly, STRONGLY suggest therapy for her, but I would also suggest the following: she can forgive these people from a distance ... a considerable, safe distance that allows her time to heal as well as hope for her future. And -- most important of all -- she needs to be the one to want such a meeting, not the other way around.

"No" is a perfectly acceptable response to this request, especially given the rawness of the situation (her mother has only been dead a year). Until she is ready to say "yes", she needs a trained, therapeutic ear for her frustrations, fears, and anger.
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Old 10-16-2008, 07:39 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,338,735 times
Reputation: 40194
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeattlitefromNC View Post
I work with a group of women who were abused sexually as children. The effects of sexual abuse tend to avoid uniformity; however, I have noticed one very strong association:

Women who were abused over a long period of time (over years) by close family members tended to come from profoundly dysfunctional family systems, and that made the process of healing (and even forgiveness) a profoundly different act.

I once knew a woman who -- like you -- wanted to believe that she could forgive her abuser (who was the head of her family structure). However, she went on a visit to offer her forgiveness to her abuser and found herself faced with the same responses that she had been met with in the past: blame, refusal to claim responsibility, vilification, etc.

Faced with such a hostile response, she hanged herself shortly thereafter.

I do not know everything in this world, but I do know this: a family in which a child kills himself when barely into his adult years is a child coming from a very dysfunctional family unit. That much is clear. And that the Original Letter Writer mentioned her brother's suicide in the same short paragraph as her father's abandonment suggests strongly to me that she not only associates her father's abandonment with her brother's destruction, but that she has more than enough anger and disappointment surrounding this event in her life that she needs to approach this situation from a very different viewpoint.

In short, she needs to practice self-care first, foremost, and absolutely.

I would strongly, STRONGLY suggest therapy for her, but I would also suggest the following: she can forgive these people from a distance ... a considerable, safe distance that allows her time to heal as well as hope for her future. And -- most important of all -- she needs to be the one to want such a meeting, not the other way around.

"No" is a perfectly acceptable response to this request, especially given the rawness of the situation (her mother has only been dead a year). Until she is ready to say "yes", she needs a trained, therapeutic ear for her frustrations, fears, and anger.

Whew, your post made me tired First of all, I wasn't an abused child so I don't have an abuser to forgive and I really have NO clue what any of what you said about abuse and forgiveness of it has to do with this Dr. Abby letter.

Secondly, you are not completely accurate about young adults who kill themselves and the families they come from. Of course there is extreme dysfunction in some of them, but not always. Mental illness leading to suicide happens in the best of families with "normal" parents. To insinutate otherwise is unnecessarily cruel.

The paragraph where the writer mentions all the tragedy in her life was most likely brief and all jumbled together because that is the way it was edited, not necessarily because she wrote it that way. Newspapers do this all the time. A columnist is usually only allotted so many words and has to work to fit it all in.

As far as I can see by rereading the letter, the half sister was not asking for "forgiveness" - she was asking for an opportunity to get to know her sister. It is not the half sisters fault that she was born to the parents she was born to and she has done nothing wrong to need to ask our letter writer for forgiveness for! You make a lot of assumptions in your answer here.
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Old 10-16-2008, 09:08 PM
 
Location: Somewhere out there...
3,663 posts, read 8,636,598 times
Reputation: 3750
Its not the fairy tale you think it is, meeting half siblings you never knew existed. It is very awkward.
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