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I read this letter to Dear Abby, and I agree with her advice. However, I'm betting not all people will.
WOMAN RESISTS HALF-SISTER'S EFFORT TO MAKE A CONNECTION
Sun Oct 12
DEAR ABBY: My father left my mother for a woman I'll call "Sheila" he met at work. I was only 7. My brother was 9 at the time; he committed suicide at the age of 20.
My father and Sheila eventually married and had four children who are now grown. Their oldest was born while my parents were still legally married.
My mother never wanted a divorce. She gave him one reluctantly when she knew all was lost, but she never got over it. Although Mom never said an unkind word about my father, she was never the same woman. Basically, she devoted her life to my brother and me, her home and her full-time job. She died last year after a brief illness, and my father didn't even attend the funeral.
Two weeks ago, I received a long letter from one of Dad and Sheila's kids. In it she told me that she had nothing to do with what happened, so couldn't we get to know one another? She extended an open invitation to lunch or dinner.
The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal. Abby, what do you think I should do? -- DISCONCERTED IN NEW YORK
DEAR DISCONCERTED: Thank you for asking. I think you should take your half-sister up on her offer and meet her. She's right -- she had nothing to do with the unhappy ending to your parents' marriage.
While I can understand your anger and bitterness, please try to keep an open mind and go with no expectations. This woman may -- or may not -- be the most sensitive of the bunch, and it will be interesting to find out why she reached out to you. As I see it, you have nothing to lose, and she may be able to give you a new perspective.
I wouldn't be interested in being close to such half-siblings, either. Granted, none of the events are their fault, but they'd be also the same strangers to me as any other strangers. Most likely I wouldn't be too fond of such a father to begin with.
I wouldn't be interested in being close to such half-siblings, either. Granted, none of the events are their fault, but they'd be also the same strangers to me as any other strangers. Most likely I wouldn't be too fond of such a father to begin with.
Well, the sad thing is, her mother and brother are now both dead - she sounds kind of alone in the world. There is no reason this half sister has to remain a stranger to her - if they both make an effort over time maybe they could build a relationship that would be worth the risk
I'd go have coffee with her and see what she has to say. There's no guarantee there'd be the connection the half-sister is obviously looking for, but why not give her chance?
I'd go have coffee with her and see what she has to say. There's no guarantee there'd be the connection the half-sister is obviously looking for, but why not give her chance?
I gotta go with this answer too. Not the half-sister's fault. Misplaced resentment, if you ask me.
Every one makes mistakes too. If this is something she wishes to hold on to and be unforgiving about, I'd hate to be her when/ if she ever makes a mistake.
I was about 14 years old when I learned I had other brothers and sisters. I was brought up being the only child and at this point and time of my life I am still getting used to the fact that I have siblings. I tried to reach out to them but most of them never acknowledged me so I just went on with my life.
I say that Abby dropped the ball on this, BIG TIME.
Like it or not, it's not the half-sister's place to put herself in the position of peacemaker. Whether the half-sister wants to hear this or not, this much is true: her good fortune was born of the misery of other people, and the consequences were dire.
Let's rack up the body count, shall we? The Original Letter Writer's mother is dead, and her father didn't even attend the funeral. Her brother committed suicide. This poor woman has had the emotional equivalent of Hiroshima, twice (three times if you count the mother's death and the subsequent snub by her father as separate incidents).
She needs therapy. She needs time. She needs lots of things ... but she doesn't need a letter from a girl who got to have a complete family while she did not.
I am also strongly of the opinion that the father needs to be the one to reach out to his daughter (whom he has effectively disowned), and not send his progeny to do work that only he can do.
Who says she's playing peacemaker? Who says that she wants the letter writer to have anything to do with their father? That wasn't expressed in the letter to Dear Abby. The half sister seems to be reaching out on her own behalf.
Also, sorry to say this, but if the letter writer's mother and father were divorced, why is he still obligated to attend her funeral? Obviously, the mom kept hanging on to the dad long after he wanted to be free. I don't blame the letter writer for taking her mom's side, but there may be more to this story than meets the eye.
In addition, why do you assume that the brother's suicide had anything to do with his father's abandonment of his mother? Maybe he got into drugs, maybe he was always depressed... Again, there's more here than a short letter can delve into.
I think life is too short to point a finger at your half-sister, who is blameless and innocent, and say, "You got to have an intact family, while mine was in ruins." It's not the half-sister's fault. It's the father's fault. Snub him. Never talk to him again. But her? No. She's not the one to blame.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeattlitefromNC
I say that Abby dropped the ball on this, BIG TIME.
Like it or not, it's not the half-sister's place to put herself in the position of peacemaker. Whether the half-sister wants to hear this or not, this much is true: her good fortune was born of the misery of other people, and the consequences were dire.
Let's rack up the body count, shall we? The Original Letter Writer's mother is dead, and her father didn't even attend the funeral. Her brother committed suicide. This poor woman has had the emotional equivalent of Hiroshima, twice (three times if you count the mother's death and the subsequent snub by her father as separate incidents).
She needs therapy. She needs time. She needs lots of things ... but she doesn't need a letter from a girl who got to have a complete family while she did not.
I am also strongly of the opinion that the father needs to be the one to reach out to his daughter (whom he has effectively disowned), and not send his progeny to do work that only he can do.
I agree her half sister had nothing to do with it and it's touching that she would reach out but if it were me, I think I would have problems getting close to anyone who is close to my father. Just because that would mean I would be back in his life and while I could maybe forgive him for finding love with someone else, I don't think I could forgive him for boycotting my mother's funeral. Going to a funeral is not about the deceased, it's about the loved one's of the deceased. The fact that a father would not attend the funeral for his daughter's sake is pretty insensitive and heartless.
To me, it wouldn't be about any misplaced resentment for a half sister, it would be about not wanting to be in the life of a father who clearly cares nothing for me.
Even though it's not the sister's fault, if I didn't feel comfortable meeting her, I wouldn't. She has no obligation to meet her if she doesn't want to.
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