Five years on with no explanation -- does it really matter any more? (boyfriend, marriage)
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The "no warning, no alarm bells" is what I would question. I would say there probably were a lot of warnings and alarms going off, but you were unaware of them.
From the word go there is unspoken communication between two people, even more so in a relationship. It just seems to be my perception, but men can be so clueless when it comes to women's emotional needs.
I have been considered to be the one who left and you know what? There were PLENTY of ignored warnings and no explanation would matter. We were simply not my idea of a happy relationship.
And it really could be a case where the one who leaves says, it's not about you. Which really doesn't help. Could be as simple as the one who left no longer loves you. And there are a multitude of reasons why that love was no longer there.
It's also sad to say that some people really revolve around their own little world. And I am definitely NOT talking about you in that sentence. But men can simply go through life in what the woman considers a clueless state.
Oddly enough, my current wife will tell anyone interested in listening that I am very in tune with her emotional needs. Of course, it helps tremendously that we talk about them openly, while the ex and I did not.
It's obvious the first one and I didn't know how to relate to each other, and in that sense I probably did miss some warnings and alarms that were obvious to her. But they weren't obvious to me because they were going off in a language that I don't understand. I guess I'm the "stereotypical guy" in that I don't speak "Unspoken-Emotional-Need-ese" and therefore I live my life in what you presumably regard as a clueless state.
It would have been nice if she had simply said at some point, in plain English, "our marriage is in trouble, we need to do something about it before it's too late." And yet, in a manner I find just as clueless and oblivious as you find a man's inability to intuit a woman's emotional state... she never did. She didn't know how to do that, and I didn't know how to pick up on these "unspoken emotional need" cues. So it stands to reason that our split seems inevitable in retrospect, which is why I'm not angry at her for leaving.
All of which gets me to thinking -- and I'm being serious here -- maybe I was supposed to "intuit" her reasons for leaving; maybe she thinks she's already told me. Huh.
I can't believe there was no warning. She must have been unhappy for awhile and just never let you know OR she gave you clues along the way as to how miserable she was and you chose to IGNORE them.
Yes you deserved an explanation!!
Its not like you were dating for a couple of weeks and then she left. IT WAS 12 YEARS. Unless the relationship got really abusive in the end ,then it might have been best.But it sounds like you two were still civilized so you deserved an explanation.I think she feels that deep down you know why she left,but as one poster said ,men are sometimes clueless.Look I agree with you the results would have probably been the same,and it sounds like you were both to blame.But you also said Does it even matter if it won't change my life in any meaningful way? but thats were I think your wrong.It won't change your life now ,but I think had she been honest with you back then you may have been able to take those lessons on to your future relationships.As it turned out you remarried happily anyway.I no it doesn't bother you but I would be writting a letter,not that I would be mad but I would still be curious.That's just me.
I can't believe there was no warning. She must have been unhappy for awhile and just never let you know OR she gave you clues along the way as to how miserable she was and you chose to IGNORE them.
Then there's the middle-ground possibility: that she tried to tell me in her own way, but that I didn't pick up on her cues rather than I was actively ignoring them.
If you are happily married and things are working, it's probably not a good idea to open up old wounds. Part of the beauty of time passing is that the pain gradually goes away.
If you do need to discuss it, talk to a professional counselor who can take you through the issues that you remember - AND - give you guidance on dealing with the issues as you discover them.
Going to your ex at this point will probably cause you more pain than it will give you closure. By this time, your ex has had plenty of time to forget the issues, as well, and has probably rewritten the story to justify her issues. There's nothing that can be gained by talking to her.
Yes you deserved an explanation!!
Its not like you were dating for a couple of weeks and then she left. IT WAS 12 YEARS. Unless the relationship got really abusive in the end ,then it might have been best.But it sounds like you two were still civilized so you deserved an explanation.I think she feels that deep down you know why she left,but as one poster said ,men are sometimes clueless.Look I agree with you the results would have probably been the same,and it sounds like you were both to blame.But you also said Does it even matter if it won't change my life in any meaningful way? but thats were I think your wrong.It won't change your life now ,but I think had she been honest with you back then you may have been able to take those lessons on to your future relationships.As it turned out you remarried happily anyway.I no it doesn't bother you but I would be writting a letter,not that I would be mad but I would still be curious.That's just me.
The portion of your post I've highlighted is, IMO, the most important part of your post, and a possible realization that redbird4848 helped me to arrive at as well. After some thought I figure she either thinks she already told me, or she thought I already knew and so she figured it was not necessary to tell me. Consequently, I think I have my answer and I'm ready to put this to rest.
Thanks to you and everyone else who shared their thoughts on this dilemma.
All of which gets me to thinking -- and I'm being serious here -- maybe I was supposed to "intuit" her reasons for leaving; maybe she thinks she's already told me. Huh.
My guess is the above happened. Some people just do not communicate their needs well. She probably dropped subtle hints around you for quite some time and you never picked up on them. I'm sure if she had been direct with you, you would have listened and taken action. She left without explanation because she already felt, in her mind, that she told you what she wanted. After all, you were together all those years, you should be able to read her mind.
But now you are with a wonderful woman who communicates with you. Although you may have fond memories of your previous wife, it sounds like you are much better off in your current marriage. I would look at her leaving as a gift. Stop trying to figure it out. Put it to rest and enjoy the rest of your life. Sometimes we just never know why things happen.
My guess is the above happened. Some people just do not communicate their needs well. She probably dropped subtle hints around you for quite some time and you never picked up on them. I'm sure if she had been direct with you, you would have listened and taken action. She left without explanation because she already felt, in her mind, that she told you what she wanted. After all, you were together all those years, you should be able to read her mind.
But now you are with a wonderful woman who communicates with you. Although you may have fond memories of your previous wife, it sounds like you are much better off in your current marriage. I would look at her leaving as a gift. Stop trying to figure it out. Put it to rest and enjoy the rest of your life. Sometimes we just never know why things happen.
This is exactly what I was thinking. There were hints but the communication was broken and the signs were missed.
Do not call her. IMO, she should have told you why but she didn't and it is over.
Drover, I think you may have evolved over time in the relationship area, and it certainly sounds like your present relationship is much healthier.
There is the unspoken truth that we cannot know what our spouses/S.O.'s need when they themselves are searching for fulfillment. And too, you can only be who you are. And if both you were not at a place to make the old relationship work, then perhaps she knew no amount of communicating would salvage the relationship.
Sounds like she bailed and rather selfishly decided not to clue you in as to her reasons. And now your journey must go on in a way which serves you and your present companion.
I applaud you for opening up to the forum, it may serve as a reminder to each of us reading your posts.
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