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So I've been thinking about this lately and I'm not sure why. My ex-wife left about 5-1/2 years ago. No warning, no alarm bells, just woke up one day and said "this isn't working, I'm outta here, bye." She was gone literally 10 minutes later, and I never saw her again. A chance to rectify things before leaving might have been nice, but looking back, the net result probably would have been the same anyway, so I'm not particularly angry with her for leaving.
So here's the thing: she never actually said why she left, though she was emphatic that she was not leaving me for someone else. I had no reason not to believe her then, nor have I since -- I have no reason to believe that she ever lied to me about anything. Right before she left, she said she'd tell me her reasons shortly thereafter. But she never did. (You think maybe this indicates that we had communication issues that contributed to the demise of the relationship? ) So the question is, should she still?
On the one hand, it really doesn't matter any more. There's been so much time and emotional distance between then and now that I don't reckon it will produce any constructive results. If anything, it might just cause us to bring up old feelings and arguments that should have been hashed out before separating rather than after. On the other hand, I figure one should at least have the common courtesy to explain something so basic to the person you've left after spending the previous 12 years of your life together.
It's not important enough for me to call her or write her or anything and demand an explanation. But is it something she still owes me after 5+ years? Did she ever owe it to me at all? Does it even matter if it won't change my life in any meaningful way?
I guess if you're ok, it doesn't matter anymore but I'd be wanting an explanation, I think.
It's kinda like you've stitched the wound up without removing the foreign object and the skin has just grown over. From the outside it looks all healed but under the surface, you're still carrying it around, festering.
Tough call. If you can live with it and it's not bothering you move on maybe?
Seriously though, 12 years together and NO explanation AT ALL?????
Weird. Sounds like something was up. If you need closure, that's one thing. If you're over it and can let it go, then that would probably be best.
Yeah, I think I can live without the closure. As I hinted at before, I doubt it would bring actual closure anyway. Not to mention I think "closure" is kind of a silly concept, as if one single event in a gigantic emotional mindf#&k is finally going to bring the "closure" that you couldn't reach by any other means. IMO nothing brings closure like the passing of time and the willingness to move forward & get on with life. The former is a given and the latter can't be done by anyone but yourself.
Your suggestion to "let it go" has been my default position, which is why I've never troubled to ask her after all this time and almost certainly never will. I'm really more interested in whether she "should" tell me, than the actual reason itself. And yet, I suppose it's all moot because she'll probably never tell me unless I press the issue, and I don't intend to press the issue even if I ever figure that she still "owes" me an explanation. I still find it an interesting exercise in post-relational dynamics and I'm wondering what others think.
I think we all keep things in the back of our minds why a relationship or otherwise ended the way it did. Maybe for your sake, it was an unannounced gift, or she may have done it that way just to save you from the heartache?
The "no warning, no alarm bells" is what I would question. I would say there probably were a lot of warnings and alarms going off, but you were unaware of them.
From the word go there is unspoken communication between two people, even more so in a relationship. It just seems to be my perception, but men can be so clueless when it comes to women's emotional needs.
I have been considered to be the one who left and you know what? There were PLENTY of ignored warnings and no explanation would matter. We were simply not my idea of a happy relationship.
And it really could be a case where the one who leaves says, it's not about you. Which really doesn't help. Could be as simple as the one who left no longer loves you. And there are a multitude of reasons why that love was no longer there.
It's also sad to say that some people really revolve around their own little world. And I am definitely NOT talking about you in that sentence. But men can simply go through life in what the woman considers a clueless state.
I guess if it doesn't help you in any way (emotionally, etc), then it certainly does not matter. Does she owe you anything? Mmmmm...sometimes the decent thing to do and what you're obliged to do are two different things. It would have been right for her to tell you, but she doesn't "owe you" an explanation.
Very bizarre, though...now you have me all wondering why.
I think we all keep things in the back of our minds why a relationship or otherwise ended the way it did. Maybe for your sake, it was an unannounced gift, or she may have done it that way just to save you from the heartache?
The heartache of being abandoned by the woman I'd been with since I was 17 years old -- that is to say, had been with for approximately half of my self-cognizant life -- was not going to be lessened by not being told why. Declining to throw a rock at my ankle after I'd just been hit by a Mack Truck wasn't going to make getting hit by a Mack truck hurt any less. Based on what I know how she operates, I can assure you that she didn't withhold just to spare me the heartache. She withheld simply because she did not have the courage to tell me. Which goes back to the communication problems I alluded to before.
Maybe it was an unannounced gift; maybe it was easier for me to press on in those awful first few weeks for not knowing. But if it was an unannounced gift, I can also assure you it was an unintentional gift.
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