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Eh, I can see what his problem is here..... Not everything else, but yeah, I'd have a problem if my wife wanted to go out of town to visit a male friend who was having girl-friend troubles.... Is it a bit of insecurity??? Perhaps, but it doesn't look good, I don't care what your intentions are... You don't think that people have gotten romantically involved after knowing someone for 12+ years??? It happens......
Anyway, for the most part, hearing YOUR side of the story I tend to agree with you that your husband is too controlling. Of course then your one concrete example here I can VERY MUCH see where he's coming from so I wonder if there's something to some of his objections......
I can understand what would cause concern about this particular friend that is having GF troubles. I truly can. But, this is also not the first time that we've had this same argument about me visiting other people - which I failed to mention on this thread. Previous arguments have also involved my good female friend who lives where we originally moved from (2 hrs away in the same area as my family), my sister, and other members of my family. About 5 wks ago, another female friend / coworker of mine were openly talking about taking a trip to Cleveland since she's never been there. We didn't even set it in stone, just talked about it. And he blew up at me in front of her because he disapproved for whatever reason he had. I guess that is why I see where I am fed up with his reaction - because it is not the first time, and it is not a specific reaction to another male.
No matter what, I cannot paint a portrait that is non-biased as I post here. I think what I am dealing with is that I know what I want, I'm just scared to death to go through with it for so many reasons... the simpliest being that I will be disturbing my comfort level. Meanwhile, I am looking to know how many other marriages hit similar issues to what I am hitting with mine... Mostly so I don't feel so alone.
I can understand what would cause concern about this particular friend that is having GF troubles. I truly can. But, this is also not the first time that we've had this same argument about me visiting other people - which I failed to mention on this thread. Previous arguments have also involved my good female friend who lives where we originally moved from (2 hrs away in the same area as my family), my sister, and other members of my family. About 5 wks ago, another female friend / coworker of mine were openly talking about taking a trip to Cleveland since she's never been there. We didn't even set it in stone, just talked about it. And he blew up at me in front of her because he disapproved for whatever reason he had. I guess that is why I see where I am fed up with his reaction - because it is not the first time, and it is not a specific reaction to another male.
No matter what, I cannot paint a portrait that is non-biased as I post here. I think what I am dealing with is that I know what I want, I'm just scared to death to go through with it for so many reasons... the simpliest being that I will be disturbing my comfort level. Meanwhile, I am looking to know how many other marriages hit similar issues to what I am hitting with mine... Mostly so I don't feel so alone.
Thanks for your input.
As a veteran here I think your situation is similar to the reasons most usually end up leaving their husbands so I don't think you'll find yourself alone....
Again, do what will ultimately make you a happier person.... I'm rooting for you, just pointing out that your husband isn't ALWAYS wrong...
chance2jump - reading about your feelings is like reading a book about me, but shifted in time. We *almost* didn't date, it felt like jumping into marriage, the first 2-3 years was that terrible feeling that I missed out on a slow dating period, didn't have the breathing room to sort out in my head where we were and who we were to each other.
However, it happened to me when I was 38, and I knew I didn't have much time biologically to have that luxury. To tell the truth, now, 6 years later, I love it that he loves me more than I do him. I love the feeling of security. We had 2 kids in these years, and, like others said, that diminishes the available time to be spending on the 2 of us.
I know I do love the security, the feeling of the rock-solid support, that cheating will never ever happen. I personally don't need to have butterflies in my stomack every single day.
Those freaky things like "mild control issues" were happening to us, too, but it helps that our personalities are the same - something like yours, more of loners with socialization only when the mood strikes. If he were a social butterfly, that would be a HUGE problem for me.
To sum up, if I were in this yours-mine situation in my late 20s, your age, I'd've definitely feel that I needed something different and I'd end the relationship. I would feel that I have a lifetime yet ahead.
However, I would also not have the wisdom to realize that I have a gem living next to me. I'd see mostly the dirt surrounding the diamond. I would definitely realize that later with regret.
Last edited by nuala; 10-27-2008 at 09:24 AM..
Reason: typo
I understand about your horses and making sure they are taken care of. I'm glad that you have a friend who you can stay with and that you can transfer your job there. It sounds like you are carefully planning this and that is a good thing. It's never good to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. As for the post by nuala, just because she was able to get through her situation and it managed to work out does not mean that your situation can or will. There are far more women in graveyards who tried to make it work with their abusive men.
Two days ago we got into another argument, the same type we've been having all along (over the same issue we've had all along).
I currently live somewhere I feel very isolated. I do not live near any of my family or friends. We've been here about 6 months. His family is here, his old school buddies are here, and he has a larger social circle available to him. I am the type of personality where I only have 1-2 really GOOD friends and I am perfectly happy with that. ALL, as in EVERY SINGLE ONE, of my friends lives 1-2 hours away from us. My family is 2 hours away.
Meanwhile, his personality clashes badly with mine. He craves constant social interaction (with me and only me) where I prefer to be a loner and have a social life when the mood strikes. He feels that his company should be the only social company I need and he disagrees with me talking on the phone or visiting with other people when he finds it to be an inconvenience to him. Every time I am on the phone (1-2 evenings per week, about 1-2 hours per evening) or want to go visit someone (about 1x per month), it is an inconvenience to him. It is a mild control issue on his part. There is nothing he can do to stop me, but he will make his disapproval well known (he is obnoxiously loud or makes rude comments while I'm on the phone to provoke me into ending the call). This is our main downfall issue because we cannot come to terms on this. I refuse to "give up" my only social outlets because he doesn't like attention taken away from him. I have met some new people in the new area, but no one that I have really hit it off with.
Over the summer, I told him he has until Sept 1 to get help for his issues; controlling, negativity, the world is always against him mentality. He felt that the only issues our marriage had I was making up in my head and REFUSED to seek counseling.
This week.. I told him I was going to go visit my long time HS friend that lives just under an hour away. His b-day was on Friday, he's having GF issues, and quite frankly I haven't seen the guy since Jan 2006 and I've been friends with him for 12 years and I'm ready to go visit! My friend and I aren't sure when we'll get together, sometime in the next month or so, it is left open ended. My hubby THROWS A FIT! Carries on about how I don't have time, he needs me here, we have XY & Z to get done, and he "never liked the guy" anyway. Well first, he has only met my friend once and it was over a nice dinner and good conversation. Secondly, my friend has been a part of my life for more than twice as long as my husband. And third, don't you dare tell me you're afraid I'm going to have sex or soemthing like that... I've been friends with him for 12 years --- if it was going to happen, it would have already happened!
Reality.. yeah, I have a busy life, but I'm also entitled to visit with friends. Last time I got out to see any of my friends was a month ago, and a month before that. I do not have so much to get done around home that prohibits me from seeing people. Never know when you'll see someone again... the stuff around home will be there tomorrow.
We had an argument. I came out with my true feelings. I told him I want a seperation and I explained WHY we're not jiving anymore. We're not on the same page, I'm a different person, and we don't have the common ground we once had. I can't stand how negative he always is. I'm not that person anymore, I do not dwell on drama like I did when I was 24. My life, mostly, is drama free... and I like that! I don't see eye to eye with him on the issue with my friends, the few that I keep, and I am not going to change that for him. I told him that I love him and his family with all my heart, but he and I are just not a good match and it isn't fair to either of us to keep trying to patch this together.
His response was: I am making it all up in my head; I'm won't allow myself to "be happy" because I want too much out of life to the point that it is unobtainable, so I'm just going to go through life throwing away the "good" because I'm not satisfied with it; I need to seek counseling so I can "learn how to settle down" (I hate where I live and make it clear I want to move - he likes being close to his family and has been talking about buying a house here for at least 2 weeks now). He also feels like I'm am "giving up" too easily (WTF?? I made it CLEAR over the summer that things needed to ge worked on!!).
Since I came out with this... he has treated me like he doesn't believe I was serious, that it was only a knee jerk reaction.
I'd like to offer some points that I've learned over the years if you don't mind.
1. We constantly change/evolve....nothing stays the same
2. We all have different needs, which may also change/with our progression and growth.
I don't believe most marriage contain the hot lusty romance that it did when couples first meet. And, believe me when I say, finding a close male friend is very hard. I have had many male friends in my life, but never like the girlfriends I've had. Why? Because men/women are different, hence they think differently. It takes years to realize that when women do bond, it's usually a mental closeness that we can't usually find with most men? At least in my experience...
After my seperation, I ventured into the dating scene...whata shocker?
and I vow, I will never ever marry again, let alone date. I found that being married took a lot of giving and not a lot of getting (but I had the wrong match) and, I'm a lot like you..love the peace and quiet of alone time...hate someone constantly over me, telling me how I should think and feel about things. And that works both ways...you don't change people. We are who we are, which is our significant persona
But, marriage never stays the same...everything is constantly evolving with the world...when we fall in love, most of the time, I believe we fall in love with lust? Oh, we deny it outwardly, but most of the time, it is...we're human and we have needs...and usually end up being with the wrong person.
My point is, the grass isn't always greener...there is good and bad in everything...there are trade offs, this for that, etc. And as in every realtionship, there is always one who gives more then the other.
I'm trying to point out several reasons why to think things over long and hard before thowing in the towel...
by the time I wised up and realized confidence, what my needs were, what I needed mentally for a relationship to sustain my interest, compatiblity became so much more important, meaning, political, spiritual, even your thoughts towards fidelity to self, beliefs about morals, etc...these issues, are very significant to a married
well, never found anyone after that...so, decided to stop dating and live alone.
sometimes it's lonely, but very few times....
this is a tough decission for you to make, please know that my thoughts are with you...take your time, there is no hurry and weigh everything, both good and bad.
whatever you decide, hope it will benefit you both.
Creme
Last edited by cremebrulee; 10-27-2008 at 10:52 AM..
by the time I wised up and realized confidence, what my needs were, what I needed mentally for a realtionship to sustain my interest, compatiblity became so much more inportant, meaning, political, spiritual, even your thoughts towards fidelity to self, beliefs about morals, etc...these issues, are very important
Nicely put. Compatibility is much more important in the marriage, and seeing people for what they are, not for what they appear to be.
Chance 2 jump...Like someone else said, I see signs of potential abuse, so be very careful. Does he know about C D forum? If he ever found these posts it could get really bad. Make arrangements for your horses secretly. Who pays the bills and what names are they in? You also need to protect your credit. Is your cell in his name? If so get one in your name so he can't have it shut off. What about your car? Your name, his name? If it's his he can report it stolen and cause you a lot of trouble. Check your tires etc.. make sure it's in good working order. When you have everything organized take the day off from work so you will be home alone. Pack your stuff, don't forget import. papers and documents, be sure you have lots of cash. If you have joint checking he may close the acct. Then just go. He might be a decent guy who will never hurt you, but there are enough red flags from your posts that I think it would be wise to ere on the side of caution.
I'd like to offer some points that I've learned over the years if you don't mind.
1. We constantly change/evolve....nothing stays the same
2. We all have different needs, which may also change/with our progression and growth.
Creme
What a great post. And I learned these 2 points the hard way. Same as the OP, I was with my ex 7 years...spent the last 3 of those years trying to figure out what was wrong with me for no longer wanting to be with just the nicest, sweetest, caring, giving, etc, etc.
I don't think you can necessarily tell from the beginning how someone is b/c how they are and who they are changes with time. And when you no longer fit, I think the differences chip away slowly at the fabric of your relationship until one day you find yourself no longer in love.
That doesn't mean you stop caring about the person or even loving them. But it's not fair to either person to let that relationship continue. First one person is unhappy...shortly after, it will be both people unhappy.
My only advice...be honest, be upfront, and don't do something seedy that you may regret.
It's a tough place to be and I offer you my best wishes.
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