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Old 10-21-2008, 09:57 AM
 
809 posts, read 2,876,852 times
Reputation: 497

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Go see a marriage counselor........ people get scared away when they think they have to go see some professional cuz they don't like thinking they REALLY have something wrong with them, but let me tell you, when my mom forced me to go to anger management when I wasl ike 16, i never realized what a profound impact that therapist had on me........ they REALLY help! Sometimes an outsiders view on things can open your eyes and make you see from a different perspective which in turn makes your life seem TOTALLY new to you! I would seriously consider this........

 
Old 10-21-2008, 09:58 AM
 
305 posts, read 372,757 times
Reputation: 47
optiflex let me answer your questions 1) no he is in great shape. 2) yes I love him, the way I love my children, definately not in love with him 3) I feel like I gave up my youth for him and for the kids.

As far as the fighting in the house. It usually starts with the kids not listening to us. Then he will get upset and say things to them that I don't agree with. Then I get angry with him.

siobjuan - as far as going out this weekend. thanks for the advise, but the thought of spending time alone with him make me want to scream. I know I am not responsible for his emotional well being, but I worry because mental illness runs in his family. His brother killed himself when his girlfriend left him and my husband was the one who found him. So I worry if he might snap too.
 
Old 10-21-2008, 09:58 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 5,072,158 times
Reputation: 2048
I decided to read through it all anyway, and caught the great body thing.

New questions...

Can you afford to have him work less? Think about this...you divorce about 60 percent of that household income is going to dissapear and whats going to make it up, that bad boy loser you're dreaming of hooking up with?

It's obvious you love this guy and care, but the fires gone. What to do? Go try to find a new furnace, or do some repairs on the old? I can tell you this.anybody you meet out is going to be a relationship failure. Your unwilling to work on this problem wait till you find new ones like laziness and disloyalty!
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:00 AM
 
788 posts, read 2,106,721 times
Reputation: 598
It's not your husband that you are unhappy with - it's you and the responsibility that you have. he is just what you are focusing on. Getting a divorce will not make you free and unencumbered.....you'll have the kids and no help every night or worse yet - you'll lose your kids.
Once again - marriage is hard - it's daily. You aren't always "in love" with your spouse and they aren't always in love with you. You choose to love them and choose to stay with them because it's the commitment you made before God.
Life is rough and not always a bowl of cherries - put on your big girls pants and get over it. Or better yet - turn it into the life you want. He wants you to be happy with your marriage - then he'll make the time to change his life so that you two can have a life as a couple and not just parents. The actions that you make in your life will affect you forever. This is why people say not to marry young. But you did and you have two children who deserve more. Don't just give up and walk away. Is that really the kind of person you want to be? Would you want your daughters to be married to someone like you?
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:02 AM
 
542 posts, read 1,680,759 times
Reputation: 329
Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
I know that I should be greatful that I have a husband who loves me and his children, who is a hard worker and who helps around the house. I know that there are women out there who would give their left arm to have what I have. The thing is, I can't help how I feel. It is not that I don't find him physically attractive. He is good looking and he has a great body. I just feel we have nothing in common. We have no fun together. Let me discribe the last 10 years for you. He gets up at 3:30am all week to go to work(construction). He works SO HARD physically. When he gets home at 5:30pm he is tired, but he manages to help me with the kids. (I work too, but,just not as physical) by the time we get the kids to bed, he is already passing out on the couch. We do this day in and day out. No outlet for any type of fun. Weekends are the same old same old. Just home or doing errands. I know he works to support his family and I am greatful for that. He gives me his whole pay so I can pay all our bills. but our home life is anything but happy. We all are at each others throats all the time. Everyone is always tense and yelling. I can't stand it anymore. I hate being home. When he is not there I feel at peace. I can't really explain it. I just want to be happy. His parents have been married since they were teenagers and they go to work and are home. Thats it no going anywhere EVER. I am so afraid my life will be that way. Again I just want to be happy and I don't know if the life I live now will ever make me happy. As far as meeting othe guys who are jerks - to be honest I don't think I will ever want to settle down again if I do get a divorce.
So tell him this. You are in a rut as a couple. The way you describe it, I can understand wanting out of that cycle. But...why not just break the cycle WITH your husband.

Yes, he is tired from work but he is obviously still willing to help, so why not discuss weekend options. It doesn't have to be this way or a divorce only. There is a middle ground here...but it will take some effort. Unfortunately it sounds like you've given up on there being any chance of it being different than it is without leaving. Is that really true?

You say he has expressed wanting to make it work. So...tell him how. Tell him you want to go out and do different things. Tell him its tense all the time and you want to find ways to ease it.

Ultimately, you will decide if you want to make the effort. It sounds like you've already given up and think divorce is the easier route. Its not. It will likely be even more effort than fixing what you have.
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:09 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 5,072,158 times
Reputation: 2048
Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
optiflex let me answer your questions 1) no he is in great shape. 2) yes I love him, the way I love my children, definately not in love with him 3) I feel like I gave up my youth for him and for the kids.

As far as the fighting in the house. It usually starts with the kids not listening to us. Then he will get upset and say things to them that I don't agree with. Then I get angry with him.
So he's got his faults and it's not just you being an ice queen who dreams of being a bar hare? What a shock. He's got that I work, why do I have to come home and deal with discapline thing going. He's also good at guilting you. Your first post made him ideal and you a secrative monster. He's probably a workaholic who read a book on helping out around the house to keep a wife happy. Or his helping out is just an extension of the workaholic thing. Does he make you feel loved, desired, respected? Or is it just his duty to do these good things he does, because in his mind you don't divorce.

Do you feel he listens to you? Or do you have to tell others because he plays the guilt card in every conversation?
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:13 AM
 
6,565 posts, read 14,255,460 times
Reputation: 3229
Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
- as far as going out this weekend. thanks for the advise, but the thought of spending time alone with him make me want to scream.
So you have no will to even try???

Not sure what to think about that honestly... You aren't the only one who gave up your youth for this relationship you know... I'm not saying this necessarily means you owe him the rest of your life either, only that you owe him your best effort...

Do remember one thing though... If you have a problem with what he is saying to the kids or how he's addressing them, do NOT get into it or correct him in front of them!!! Try to remember that your goal is the same, even if your methods may be different, but since you appear to want next to nothing to do with your husband at the moment I'm going to guess that developing a cooperative strategy on how to deal with the kids is out as well, right???
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:14 AM
 
Location: ATL suburb
1,364 posts, read 4,134,946 times
Reputation: 1580
Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
optiflex let me answer your questions 1) no he is in great shape. 2) yes I love him, the way I love my children, definately not in love with him 3) I feel like I gave up my youth for him and for the kids.

As far as the fighting in the house. It usually starts with the kids not listening to us. Then he will get upset and say things to them that I don't agree with. Then I get angry with him.

siobjuan - as far as going out this weekend. thanks for the advise, but the thought of spending time alone with him make me want to scream. I know I am not responsible for his emotional well being, but I worry because mental illness runs in his family. His brother killed himself when his girlfriend left him and my husband was the one who found him. So I worry if he might snap too.
1. Wait, so you have a guy in great shape, while you were large enough that you could lose 150 pounds? You have a saint. There are guys that would have left you long ago over that.
2. It's not uncommon to feel that way about a spouse after many years together. You're not always going to feel that teenage, gidddy, butterflies in the stomach thing.
3. This is by far my most hated excuse. I feel like I gave up MY youth. No, YOU CHOSE to get married young and start having kids. What exactly did
you think was going to happen?

This whole thing is a YOU issue. Your husband sounds wonderful, and the minute you leave, there will be a gaggle of women ready to pounce. This man works hard for you and the kids. Do you think HE wants to work from 3am-5pm? When you get married, and especially when you have kids, you make sacrifices. If that means you sacrificed your youth, then so be it. If you decide to get divorced, will you be able to afford your normal lifestyle, or will you have to work more? Will you have to be more miserable, because you're tired, and struggling to pay the bills with no support?

The fact that you seem to have no desire to even spend romantic alone time says a lot. You know what? HE deserves someone better than you. You don't seem to even want to work on it. So, either be selfish and leave (let's see if you're really happier), or get a hobby or counceling and suck it up.
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:17 AM
 
305 posts, read 372,757 times
Reputation: 47
optiflex, you bring up good points. He tells me all the time he loves me and needs me. Sometimes its too much. It makes me want to scream. How many times a day can you tell someone you love them. I feel suffocated. He does make me feel desired and I beleive he repects me. Weather or not he plays the guilt card I can't tell. Sometimes I think he does. But maybe I feel that way due to my own guilt. He will say things like "I do everything I cant to make you happy. Why does the good guy always get screwed." It scares me to make the wrong decision. The only reason I am even questioning leaving is my girls. They are so close to him. If I do decide to leave, we have to sell our home and move somewhere that I can afford.
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:18 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,181 posts, read 3,048,171 times
Reputation: 464
So many women feel the same exact way that you do. You are not alone, but it's very hard to see your situation from anyone else's perspective but your own. You feel trapped and that's understandable.

If you go back and read your own posts, you'll see that you're asking us if you should dump your perfect life to go searching for happiness. It's not logical, but then again, happiness is not achieved via a mathematical equation. You have to find the 'fun' in your married life. Dating is not 'fun'. The notion of flirting and getting attention from guys might seem exciting, but in reality, shopping for the perfect mate is not fun. You will be contstantly looking for flaws, pointing out differences and similarities between your dates and your husband and not to mention the difficulties of being a single mom. I'm there and trust me, it's not fun.

In the end, you're either going to take our word for it or find out the hard way. If you decide to accept what most of us are saying, then go back to your husband and bring the spark back in the bedroom and some other rooms too. If you want to find out for yourself, take a trial separation, but keep in mind that he might not accept you back after you've been with other guys. I can't imagine that would be easy for him to do, but then again only you and he can decide on the terms of the separation.

Also, how would you feel if he was with another woman and you decided that dating wasn't all it was cracked up to be? Would it be easy for you to take him back?

The other thing is that while dating might seem fun, is that the only thing that you think might make you happy? I think if you really look, you are missing so much more from your life that dating will never come close to fulfilling.
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