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Old 10-22-2008, 06:45 AM
 
Location: West Texas
2,449 posts, read 5,936,278 times
Reputation: 3125

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Quote:
Originally Posted by timmy22 View Post
I think what JeepGirl118 is saying is good advice. Test him
I would caution here. Although I understand the sentiment, I have found that "testing" people (also construed as playing games) could bite the person administering the test as much as the person taking it.
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Old 10-22-2008, 06:58 AM
 
673 posts, read 2,712,299 times
Reputation: 421
I agree with Rathagos. It's time to have a frank discussion and decide together if the two of you are ready to work on a long-term relationship in person. Your emotional lives are on hold. That's not healthy and needs to be resolved.

Last edited by aaauger; 10-22-2008 at 07:15 AM..
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Old 10-22-2008, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,501 posts, read 22,409,334 times
Reputation: 4353
Quote:
Originally Posted by aaauger View Post
I agree with Rathagos. It's time to have a frank discussion and decide together if the two of you are ready to work on a long-term relationship in person. Your emotional lives are on hold. That's not healthy and needs to be resolved.
You don't need to have a "frank" discussion.

A man speaks with his actions. If she listens to his actions, she knows everything she needs to know.
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Old 10-22-2008, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 88,002,320 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Woof Woof Woof! View Post
A man speaks with his actions. If she listens to his actions, she knows everything she needs to know.
Absolutely! If you're a man, I'll give you extra credit for honesty!
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Old 10-22-2008, 11:56 AM
 
809 posts, read 2,878,853 times
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ok WOW! So many responses! Ok, leme try and clarify a few more things........

he lives with his mom in a one bedroom apartment currently, he sleeps on the pull out couch-bed :P I know that sounds TOTALLY lame, but he is HELLBENT on paying off his credit card before he lives on his own again (which is what he was doing for a year here when his mom moved away to Denver).....

He is NOT talking to his dad anymore. After his dad screwed him over again he cut off all ties to him

He has talked extensively about marriage and wanting kids in the near future (with me)....... he was JUST here two weeks ago for a visit (and I visited him in May) and I WISH we could have had more visits, but money has been tight for BOTH of us........

I am not about to give up the job I have just to move out there, which is why I'm waiting until I am able to transfer within the company (I have a VERY good job!) .........

I am suppose to be back out there for a quick visit in about three weeks to look at apartments AND cuz it's his bday! which is why I'm just BOGGLED at the fact that he started talking to this girl just a WEEK after he left here. BUT, he has admitted he thinks it's cuz he misses me so much and he even said "I don't know if I can wait for you to be here"....... this distance is just killing us, and I wish to GOD I could drop everything I'm doing right now, but I REALLY can't just UP and GO and cut off all ties here......... mainly because I ALSO have debt that I can NOT give up my job for........ I just bought a new car in July and I have a credit card and a small student loan that I'm paying off. I can't just drop my job and go. Cuz those bills would DROWN me once I was out there ..........

I'm planning on just getting my own studio apartment when I get out there........ he claims he's not going to be financially ready to move in with me YET..... (he is SOOOOO ANAL about money it's ridiculous! He freaks out about going broke ALL the time!)....... but I have a feeling once I'm living in my own place he will be over ALL the time, and probably one day soon after me getting out there he will ask if he can move in with me. I'm pretty much almost counting on it because once I'm close to him again all his feelings and emotions and the need to be near me just overwhelm him (I've seen it everytime we visit each other)....... I just KNOW he will end up moving in with me even though currently he claims he couldn't do it (LIAR! :P) BIG transitions like this ALWAYS make him nervous. When we lived together in the past he had a breakdown, but then evened out. When he mmoved he had a breakdown, when he didn't have a job for awhile he had a breakdown. Any BIG transition that involves money like this just makes him nervous as heck. (me not so much, I mean ya, I get nervous, but I'm always pretty confident I'll be fine)..............
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Old 10-22-2008, 12:04 PM
 
809 posts, read 2,878,853 times
Reputation: 497
oh and btw, we had a conversation last night in which he was crying (VERY VERY VERY VERY RARE FOR HIM!) and I told him there are two options.

a.) He stays with me and cuts off ALL contact with this girl because he's already emotionally betrayed me by talking to her and having coffee with her on 2-3 occassions (which really hurt my feelings cuz getting coffee together has always been OUR thing!) So he would have to STOP talking to her NOW if he wants to stay with me.

b.) Dates her, goes for her but in turn ABSOLUTELY loses me! FOREVER. I told him point blank I would NEVER come back.

This was the point that he started crying. Not hard or anything but I could hear him sniffling. He then told me if these were the choices that his decision is "you hands down, no question"..... which made me happy, but he's still all torn up as to WHY he is having feelings for this other girl when he KNOWS that he truly loves me.

Later on in the night he also said he's NOT going to date her at all, but that he just really needed to take some timeout and think and clear his head and get his focus back.

I KNOW that his visit here just REALLY made it worse for him. He is the type of person that really needs to touch and see the person he's with (as with most people) but he's just such a fricken passionate person that when he visited and got a taste of what it would be like to live together again it nearly killed him to have to go back 900 miles away when he went home (it killed me too)........

WE're both going nuts. I'm usually the one telling him I duno how i"m guna make it thru another Chicago winter without him (I HATE CHICAGO WINTERS!)....... and HE'S usually the one to ease me and tell me everything is guna be fine, and "with time" and says we'll be together "soon" so it just astounded me that he suddenly was having a hard time with the distance when all this time HE was the one soothing ME about it..............

I'm hoping we can make it........ I don't even care if I have to spend another $300 in like december or january to fly back out and see him. I don't care. If that's what it takes to make sure we stay strong before I can get out there then I'll spend it.
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Old 10-22-2008, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,501 posts, read 22,409,334 times
Reputation: 4353
Quote:
Originally Posted by SubaruFiend View Post
I'm hoping we can make it........ I don't even care if I have to spend another $300 in like december or january to fly back out and see him. I don't care. If that's what it takes to make sure we stay strong before I can get out there then I'll spend it.
Recipe for disaster.

You take all the risk and he gets to have sex for free. This man is not committing to anything. He is not even buying your ticket!

When a man wants a woman, he will climb over mountains to be with her.

I hope you like Denver.
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:27 PM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,634,334 times
Reputation: 6381
Subaru, glad to hear you both talked. Just do what you want, in the end, no one elses opinion matters. People can slam and chime in (including myself) all they want about your BF not offering to help you pay for your gas money out there or a ticket, but I also do realize that his age is a factor, is only 24, and would not offer to jump and move mountains while living hand to mouth, like a 35+ year old man would. A man 35+ has more at hand to make moving mountains possible. Situations have changed now since my last post, I did not know he went to have "coffee" (and I say that tongue-in-cheek) with another woman, twice. I thought it was just distant and untouched "interest." You should think about that, seems odd to me he would be so emotionally torn if their "coffee meets" did not cross into something physical. I would not be so confident that he would tell you if it did. Sound like the tears he had may have been guilt. Pure guilt. To be honest, my foot would be so far up his azz that he would not know where I started and he began. He's deceived you. If I were you, at the moment he told me, I would have entirely backed off and sent him packing to the other girl. Tolerance is a good trait, but tolerance for bullsh*t and lies is not. You sound like you have your head on your shoulders, you are probably quite attractive, you are driven and have upward mobility - and I would bet that you can find someone that would embrace and respect all that you are. By your latest posts, which contorted my face, it appears that this guy is manipulating your emotions. I retract my advise about moving out to Denver based on what you have now said. Something royally stinks about this other woman and my hunch is that you have been told half-truths. I've reflected on my own marriage of 20 years that I just got out of (we were together since I was 16) and the only times he jerked tears out was when guilt was behind it, little did I know at the time. If I were you, I would pull back some. I realize you are smack in the middle of this and are blind-sighted, but I think now you NEED to start listening to your female intuition. It's got to be knocking right now like bad fuel in a gas tank. Your situation is well-beyond the "testing him" ordeal. Until your last post, I can *see* how much your heart is thinking for you and how much he is steering it (not good), I think you need to get mad and start thinking long and hard. The man is treating you like Boo Boo the Fool.
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:50 PM
 
673 posts, read 2,712,299 times
Reputation: 421
Quote:
Originally Posted by Woof Woof Woof! View Post
You don't need to have a "frank" discussion.

A man speaks with his actions. If she listens to his actions, she knows everything she needs to know.
Conversation bad. Guessing good.
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Old 10-22-2008, 04:49 PM
 
Location: from houstoner to bostoner to new yorker to new jerseyite ;)
4,084 posts, read 12,651,385 times
Reputation: 1974
Quote:
Originally Posted by Woof Woof Woof! View Post
A man speaks with his actions. If she listens to his actions, she knows everything she needs to know.
Rep for you! I wish more women understood this. And this too:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Woof Woof Woof! View Post
Recipe for disaster.

You take all the risk and he gets to have sex for free. This man is not committing to anything. He is not even buying your ticket!

When a man wants a woman, he will climb over mountains to be with her.
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