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Old 10-22-2008, 05:29 PM
 
Location: Griffin, Georgia
749 posts, read 2,080,197 times
Reputation: 723

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Woof Woof Woof! View Post
Recipe for disaster.

You take all the risk and he gets to have sex for free. This man is not committing to anything. He is not even buying your ticket!

When a man wants a woman, he will climb over mountains to be with her.

I hope you like Denver.
(sound of applause)

You definetely get a rep from me on this one Woof!

For heaven sake DON'T move out there and don't shack up with him. Not before he asks if you will make him the luckiest guy in the world. "Why buy the cow" comes to mind here...Make him work to get you! All the studies have proven, men are more motivated to commit to women who don't put up with any bull*****.
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Old 10-22-2008, 05:35 PM
 
809 posts, read 2,878,853 times
Reputation: 497
Welp..... I've seen him cry in the past, because of other issues and him not knowing what to do (these other issues were health probs of mine that HE got blindsided by when I told him, and he was so torn up on whether or not he wanted to stay that he cried)....... I don't believe the tears are out of guilt.....

I am SO happy that he has even told me THIS much. We BOTH have always said that TRUTH is the most important thing! And I'm sure he was really stressed when he truthfully told me what his feelings were.

I believe him about only having coffee. He was JUST here two weeks ago (he left two weeks ago yesterday)....... He told me that he's really only been talking to her in the past week and a half. I ASKED him to be truthful and tell me if he'd been talking to her/knew her before he visited. He said no. I believe him.

I really truly honestly believe that he misses me soooo badly, and wants that physical comfort (not necessarily sex, but to hug, touch, see) so bad that the very first thing that came across his path that was of interest RIGHT after being HERE with me has caused some turmoil with him. He is craving my physical presence very badly, and I'm pretty sure he's thinking he'll at least have that with HER even though he may not really like her........

I've let him know that we have a history of almost 6 years.... we've built and built and strengthened and have SO much history that he would be FOOLISH to throw it all away for something that may crash and burn (especially since she's only 19!)

I told him, he would be left with NOTHING if he left me for her and it crashed and burned with her because I would NEVER come back. He got slightly offended when I said that I would NEVER come back. He told me we could still converse and be friends. I told him NO WAY. That there is NO WAY I could sit here and just be friends with him while he tries to date some 19 year old. I told him it was selfish of him to even SUGGEST that. He understood.

I literally also told him that if he DOES decide to stay with me that she has to DISAPPEAR from the picture, that he has to cut off ALL contact and TELL that girl WHY he is cutting off contact. He told me he understood that too.......

So now i'm basically waiting for him to clear his mind and figure out what his deal is. Right now the only explanation he can give me is he's "confused" and doesn't know what to do..........

I've given him an ultimatum though. I can't sit here and wait forever. I won't sit here while I BLEED to death over this. I told him if he loves me just as much as he SAYS he does that this shouldn't even BE an issue for him much longer....... hopefully he pulls his head out of his azz soon.....

Otherwise I"m saying sayonara to him, as hard as that's going to be for me.
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Old 10-22-2008, 07:02 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,764 posts, read 40,065,026 times
Reputation: 18068
I think that in general, you need to lighten up about your boyfriend going out for coffee with anyone, male or female. What's the big deal about having coffee with a friend? What about lunch dates? If your boyfriend only has his mom to talk to (not that he's on the outs with his dad again), then he needs to have his friends. Plus, isn't she his co-worker?

Anyway, obviously he has to make it very clear to this female co-worker and everyone else that he has a girlfriend back in Chicago. After that, just let him be. At 24, he shouldn't keep to himself while waiting for you to visit or move to Denver. And did he say if this female co-worker has romantic intentions towards him? What if she's being nice to him because he's just moved to Denver and doesn't have any friends?

Lastly, you say that the two of you have a passionate connection. Well it seems to me that the two of you have great sex, but maybe not so much else going on in the connection department.
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Old 10-22-2008, 07:04 PM
 
Location: southern california
61,289 posts, read 87,195,928 times
Reputation: 55551
Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
lol who treats you bad at home? Your imaginary friends?
no yours.
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Old 10-22-2008, 09:06 PM
 
809 posts, read 2,878,853 times
Reputation: 497
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
I think that in general, you need to lighten up about your boyfriend going out for coffee with anyone, male or female. What's the big deal about having coffee with a friend? What about lunch dates? If your boyfriend only has his mom to talk to (not that he's on the outs with his dad again), then he needs to have his friends. Plus, isn't she his co-worker?

Anyway, obviously he has to make it very clear to this female co-worker and everyone else that he has a girlfriend back in Chicago. After that, just let him be. At 24, he shouldn't keep to himself while waiting for you to visit or move to Denver. And did he say if this female co-worker has romantic intentions towards him? What if she's being nice to him because he's just moved to Denver and doesn't have any friends?

Lastly, you say that the two of you have a passionate connection. Well it seems to me that the two of you have great sex, but maybe not so much else going on in the connection department.


I wouldn't care whatsoever if he was just having coffee with someone.... but he came RIGHT to me after telling me he'd had something bugging him on his mind and SAID to me "I've been having feelings for someone else" ..... he elaborated by saying, he doesn't know WHAT these feelings are (because he's only known her for like 2 weeks) and he has expressed that he is CONFUSED as to WHY he's having feelings for someone else when he SAID he desperately misses me.

I don't care AT all if he has friends (which trust me, he's made lots since he's been there)

As far as the passionate connection, not ONCE did I say it was in regards to sex. We have a passionate EMOTIONAL connection. Passion doesn't automatically always refer to sex you know.....
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Old 10-23-2008, 12:01 AM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,634,334 times
Reputation: 6381
Quote:
Originally Posted by SubaruFiend View Post
So now i'm basically waiting for him to clear his mind and figure out what his deal is. Right now the only explanation he can give me is he's "confused" and doesn't know what to do..........
This right there tells me the entire story.
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Old 10-23-2008, 12:03 AM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,634,334 times
Reputation: 6381
Quote:
Originally Posted by SubaruFiend View Post
Passion doesn't automatically always refer to sex you know.....

GOSHHH. Ya Miu. Dontcha know???
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Old 10-23-2008, 05:18 AM
 
Location: from houstoner to bostoner to new yorker to new jerseyite ;)
4,084 posts, read 12,651,385 times
Reputation: 1974
Default are you listening to yourself here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SubaruFiend View Post
I really truly honestly believe that he misses me soooo badly, and wants that physical comfort (not necessarily sex, but to hug, touch, see) so bad that the very first thing that came across his path that was of interest RIGHT after being HERE with me has caused some turmoil with him. He is craving my physical presence very badly, and I'm pretty sure he's thinking he'll at least have that with HER even though he may not really like her........
The mental leaps we women do to justify staying in relationships never cease to amaze me. So what you're saying is he loves and misses you so much that he's found another woman to spend time with? Sorry, honey, but if you believe that, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. That is completely illogical and simply not how things work. It sounds like you've got your head on straight. You're better than this. Leave this guy in Denver and get on with your life.
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Old 10-23-2008, 07:36 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,764 posts, read 40,065,026 times
Reputation: 18068
Quote:
Originally Posted by SubaruFiend View Post
I wouldn't care whatsoever if he was just having coffee with someone.... but he came RIGHT to me after telling me he'd had something bugging him on his mind and SAID to me "I've been having feelings for someone else" ..... he elaborated by saying, he doesn't know WHAT these feelings are (because he's only known her for like 2 weeks) and he has expressed that he is CONFUSED as to WHY he's having feelings for someone else when he SAID he desperately misses me.

I don't care AT all if he has friends (which trust me, he's made lots since he's been there)

As far as the passionate connection, not ONCE did I say it was in regards to sex. We have a passionate EMOTIONAL connection. Passion doesn't automatically always refer to sex you know.....
Well it seems to me that he doesn't find your company special enough in a way that no one else can replace you. Otherwise, why else would he be developing feelings for another woman just because the two of you are physically apart?

He didn't say that he was attracted to this coworker because his physical needs weren't being met. He mentioned FEELINGS, in other words, if you never came out to Denver, he'd be okay with dating her. Yes, he'd be sad about breaking up with you, but he'd be able to move without much heartache. The emotions he has with you, he will transfer over to this new girl. With you, it's out of sight, out of his mind and heart. And that's not true love, you're just a comfortable habit with him. Otherwise, he'd be fine with just talking to you on the phone and hugging a teddy bear or other physical object that was a gift from you.

With all of my exes, and I was the one that broke up with them, they were devastated when I was gone and they didn't date again for a really long time. No other woman could replace my company or be as good a girlfriend to them. And that's the connection I think that you're missing with your boyfriend.

Anyway, again, only move to Denver if it's a place you can thrive in without his company... just in case things don't work out. With a move like that, always have a Plan B handy. And don't move out there without any backup cash funds saved. Don't rush out there for him, but do it on a timetable that is best for you
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Old 10-23-2008, 11:23 AM
 
809 posts, read 2,878,853 times
Reputation: 497
I understand what you're saying miu....... I really do. All of the things I've told to you guys are MY assumptions of WHY he's so confused. I really DON'T know why. I know this distance is killing us. I know he may have some sort of initial interest in this girl, but i think it would end up fading away if he chose her over me. I know for certain he'd end up losing me because he wants to pursue her and then his interest for her would fade (or he'd end up comparing her to me and find that since he was looking for MY comfort in someone else and they are nothing like me that he's royally screwed up).....

When we had a month of issues last summer (summer of 07) right as we were starting to get serious, we had a HUGE fight in which we didn't talk for like a month and a half.... and during that time since I wasn't there he tried seeing some other girl..... and he admitted to me that the whole reason he had tried to "date" her was to fill the void from me not being there....

I seriously believe this is why he is so distraught. I'm still technically HERE, but not in literal terms.... so there is somewhat of a void for him that he wants to fill, but he's turning to the wrong thing. Especially since we still are getting along, and talking on the phone and talking via texts all day long..... and I'm positive that is why he feels so guilty for having "feelings" for someone else when he KNOWS he should be focusing on me..... I know that's why he's so torn up...... he doesn't want to wait for me to be out there in february because he misses me so much, but he knows that if he pursues her in the hopes of having some sort of void filled that it could crash and burn and he would be left with nothing...... because I'd be gone....... i know this is why he's so torn up. In my minds eye it makes PERFECT sense to just stick with ME and get rid of that girl..... because we have so much history and have so many plans and such a strong bond..... it makes perfect sense to me to pick me. But he's a different person and has different ways of thinking............

He's also a scorpio.... and "thinks" with his feelings..... he goes by what he feels. (this fact my be irrelevant to some, but I do believe in astrology to a certain extent)..... and he is a scorpio thru and thru..... He knows in his mind what is right and what he should do..... but he listens to his heart, to his feelings. and right now his feelings are having all sorts of mixed connections. It's like two wires got crossed inside of him or something......

I just hope this ends soon. Because it is habit of him to "go away" for a few days to "think" and leave me waiting and wondering until he gets his thoughts straight. It's always torture for me (and no, he's never had these kind of issues, the other times he has "gone away" was because I told him about a health issue I was having with myself that scared the bejesus out of him)

I'm having a hard time eating and sleeping and pretty much doing anything...... I've lost like 5 pounds since monday because of this. My brain is telling me to knock this crap off and take care of myself, but my heart is acheing so bad that I'm just not even able to function. I hate love sometimes.
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