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Old 10-23-2008, 01:14 PM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,624,903 times
Reputation: 6381

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SubaruFiend View Post
I understand what you're saying miu....... I really do. All of the things I've told to you guys are MY assumptions of WHY he's so confused. I really DON'T know why. I know this distance is killing us. I know he may have some sort of initial interest in this girl, but i think it would end up fading away if he chose her over me. I know for certain he'd end up losing me because he wants to pursue her and then his interest for her would fade (or he'd end up comparing her to me and find that since he was looking for MY comfort in someone else and they are nothing like me that he's royally screwed up).....

When we had a month of issues last summer (summer of 07) right as we were starting to get serious, we had a HUGE fight in which we didn't talk for like a month and a half.... and during that time since I wasn't there he tried seeing some other girl..... and he admitted to me that the whole reason he had tried to "date" her was to fill the void from me not being there....

I seriously believe this is why he is so distraught. I'm still technically HERE, but not in literal terms.... so there is somewhat of a void for him that he wants to fill, but he's turning to the wrong thing. Especially since we still are getting along, and talking on the phone and talking via texts all day long..... and I'm positive that is why he feels so guilty for having "feelings" for someone else when he KNOWS he should be focusing on me..... I know that's why he's so torn up...... he doesn't want to wait for me to be out there in february because he misses me so much, but he knows that if he pursues her in the hopes of having some sort of void filled that it could crash and burn and he would be left with nothing...... because I'd be gone....... i know this is why he's so torn up. In my minds eye it makes PERFECT sense to just stick with ME and get rid of that girl..... because we have so much history and have so many plans and such a strong bond..... it makes perfect sense to me to pick me. But he's a different person and has different ways of thinking............

He's also a scorpio.... and "thinks" with his feelings..... he goes by what he feels. (this fact my be irrelevant to some, but I do believe in astrology to a certain extent)..... and he is a scorpio thru and thru..... He knows in his mind what is right and what he should do..... but he listens to his heart, to his feelings. and right now his feelings are having all sorts of mixed connections. It's like two wires got crossed inside of him or something......

I just hope this ends soon. Because it is habit of him to "go away" for a few days to "think" and leave me waiting and wondering until he gets his thoughts straight. It's always torture for me (and no, he's never had these kind of issues, the other times he has "gone away" was because I told him about a health issue I was having with myself that scared the bejesus out of him)

I'm having a hard time eating and sleeping and pretty much doing anything...... I've lost like 5 pounds since monday because of this. My brain is telling me to knock this crap off and take care of myself, but my heart is acheing so bad that I'm just not even able to function. I hate love sometimes.
I know all about astrology, though I do not place much value in it, at the same time, there is one thing to be said about Scorpio men - a Scorp male is a very sexual and emotional being. Just as a Virgo female (me) is known as the most sexual/emotional. Noticed I placed sexual before emotional? I was married to a Scorp for 20 years, that "cross wiring" you speak of, means sex is in the picture with another. When a Scorp male has feelings only for YOU. Nothing can cross those "wires." They are generally very solid partners, but do not do well "isolated."

I'm now reading right through what you have written here. You really need to wake up. You've placed your relationship on a pedestal to such degrees and have overconfidence that he had given you the key to the secret passages of his mind.

You two just got serious last year, with one break-up under your belt? I was under the impression you two have been serious and stable for 5 years.

Hate to be the one to break it to you - but a man's mind does not get so messed up, confused and "need time" unless sex is not involved with another woman. When a man says that, there is a moderate hold on him from another woman, both sexual and emotional. If your guy was a chick, and he needed "time to clear his head" - I would believe that sex was not involved, but, he is a man, not a woman. They are not built like we are. If he is not having sex with her, I will be bowled over. His "having to think, confused" is because he does not want to tell you. It is the one omitted detail. It is the beginning of the end. I'm not even going to waste my breath about you moving to Denver, because I seriously doubt the opportunity will be there. Christmas is coming - another woman is in the picture. He is confused before Thanksgiving. Get it???
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Old 10-23-2008, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Lansing, MI
2,948 posts, read 6,994,889 times
Reputation: 3271
To everyone giving advice on thise thread:

SubaruFiend has already made up her mind and is now getting defensive, justifying behavior of another person (based on speculation, NOT on actually knowing), and coming up with an argument for every single reply so that she can justify not breaking it off with her BF.

So.... Why waste your breath (er... words) on a brick wall? The OP is hell bent on disagreeing with EVERY SINGLE OPINION offered so that she can't "lalalala" herself into not being in the position to make a real decision at this point.

SubaruFiend -- as noble as it is to keep this relationship together, it will not be held together. You're in for a world of hurt staying with him, whether you stay put in Chicago or move to Denver. If he truly loved you unconditionally and there was no chance of that changing, HE WOULD NOT BE "CONFUSED" !!!

My advice.. quit kidding yourself and start being honest. But, who are any of us to speak up.... not like ANY of us have had real world experience and have any clue about what we're talking about... right??
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Old 10-23-2008, 02:11 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,758 posts, read 40,013,892 times
Reputation: 18034
I hope that SubaruFiend realizes that the advice given has only been based on what she has posted about her situation. And her first post left out a lot of information that she's added to in her successive posts.

I do wish her the best of luck with her life. And I believe that all of us are truly on HER side, and wanting what's best for HER. If we are urging caution with moving to Denver, it's because it doesn't sound like her boyfriend is deserving of her devotion and love for him. I don't question her affection for him, but I do question the depths of his affection for her.
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Old 10-23-2008, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,501 posts, read 22,389,359 times
Reputation: 4353
Subaru,

Look, we know what you're going through. A lot of us have been there and back. At the very least, I hope you will take your time with one. Please don't toss your life plans out the window for this man. See where things are at in a few months. You sound panicked, and that's not a good place to make big decisions from. Cool your thoughts. Date some other men and see how you feel in January.
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Old 10-24-2008, 10:33 AM
 
809 posts, read 2,876,030 times
Reputation: 497
I know what you all are saying, and you're right, I have just been fighting everyones opinions.

I am just really scared is all, because I love him so much. But I guess if he doesn't love me then just MY love isn't enough and I shouldn't fight for something like this....

I'm just really sad to see such a long, awesome relationship go out the window all cuz he met someone about two weeks ago and within a WEEK was having some sort of "feelings" for her..... it just doesn't make any sense to me. Really, I'm pretty sure he just wants sex at this point. And I KNOW he's going to call and tell me he doesn't want to be with me because he can't wait for me, and we're too far away and yada yada yada.... and I'm going to tell him fine, then I'm never speaking to him again, he's going to get angry in response to that (because he'll want to stay friends... ie... string me along in case it doesn't work out with her).... and then in 2-3 weeks after he's done the deed, gotten it out of his system he'll try to start talking to me again and I will NOT. sigh. sad how I can see the future.....


What REALLY is bothering me is I had bought tickets like a month ago to fly out in about 3 weeks not only for his BIRTHDAY but also to look at apartments..... they're non-refundable, non-transferable! UGH!!!!! Why do men have to only think with their penis! It's so infuriating and annoying!
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Old 10-24-2008, 10:40 AM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,624,903 times
Reputation: 6381
The glass half full is this - those plane tickets are a lot less than what you would lose in the long run. This ordeal could have cost you thousands in stress and in cash down the line.
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Old 10-24-2008, 11:16 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,758 posts, read 40,013,892 times
Reputation: 18034
Quote:
Originally Posted by SubaruFiend View Post
I know what you all are saying, and you're right, I have just been fighting everyones opinions.

I am just really scared is all, because I love him so much. But I guess if he doesn't love me then just MY love isn't enough and I shouldn't fight for something like this....

What REALLY is bothering me is I had bought tickets like a month ago to fly out in about 3 weeks not only for his BIRTHDAY but also to look at apartments..... they're non-refundable, non-transferable! UGH!!!!! Why do men have to only think with their penis! It's so infuriating and annoying!
Your relationship is really lopsided. You love him a lot more than he loves you. Sooner or later, you will get fed up with being the one keeping the relationship together and call it quits. You need to find a man that will put as much effort into the relationship as you do.

Did you ever answer my earlier question.... does his mom like you? Does she think that you two make a good couple?
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Old 10-24-2008, 01:35 PM
 
2,066 posts, read 4,319,104 times
Reputation: 1992
I'm in the same boat as the OP.
Slight difference is that it was a summer fling that evolved into something more.
There's distance and sparse calls some weeks and lots of closeness and calls most weeks.
I have no advice because I don't know what I'm going to do myself.
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:38 PM
 
809 posts, read 2,876,030 times
Reputation: 497
Ya his mom likes me.... she is REALLY sweet and loving. I don't know if she really has an opinion of who he's with. I just know she knows we've been on and off for years.... but she always is SO nice to me. (she kind of reminds me of those little grannies who buy candy or little toys for kids she doesn't really know.) I don't really know her THAT well but she bought me something for christmas last year and bought me a T-shirt once when she travelled.
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:51 PM
 
809 posts, read 2,876,030 times
Reputation: 497
So we had a conversation this morning. He claims he's not going to ever date that girl. But that he wants to focus on HIM right now. As in focus on his singing "career"
(he got into singing and taking lessons like two months ago) and focus on work and working out. Which is fine and dandy. Whatever. I am a little more at ease with him breaking it off with me because he wants HIM time then to go date that girl........ Of course he "still wants to talk, and be cool and be friends" because we've always said "we're like family, and we're best friends" ..... GOY!!!!!!!

Funny thing is I wanted to sort of "test" him after he basically broke up with me and I asked him "So would you be upset if I saw other guys?"..... and he said "it would suck" and that "he's not leaving me for another woman" and I was like, you're right, you're NOT leaving me for another woman, but you ARE setting me free, so whats not say I end up meeting someone else that sweeps me off my feet????? Of course in response he says "I don't appreciate you saying that".......... WELL ITS THE FRICKEN TRUTH!!!!!!! DERRRRRRRR!!!!!!! I was like you DO realize you take a risk of losing me to some other guy when you push me away!!! his response was just like "YA i KNOW how it is when couples break up" .........

UGH! I swear..... I duno what the crap to do..... I duno if he's just pushing me away right NOW because he doesn't want to deal with a long distance relationship and he's planning on trying to pick it up later when I'm actually living there and THATS why he's being "jealous"....... I duno..... erggggg........ I DO NOT want to put my life on hold for him that's for sure..... I'm guna do what I want.

I just gota figure out if as a SINGLE woman I wana still move to Denver..... NOT for him. But for ME. THAT is the biggest decision I gota make....... ugh..... MEN!!!!!!!!
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