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When I get really, really angry at someone I do the silent thing until I calm down enough to talk rationally. If I'm that mad I will say something really hurtful out of anger, probably something I don't even mean. Usually if I go out for a walk or a bike ride I come back much less angry and I can talk it through.
I consider that a preventative measure. In person, I do that too after mentioning I need a few minutes to collect myself and gather my thoughts. But dang, my ex, he could go days and weeks. . . I don't know how anyone shuts up for that long.
My ex-sociopath was a pro at the silent treatment. Drove me up the wall. I looked it up during the marriage to see if I was nuts for thinking it was abusive. According to many psychiatric and therapy sites, it is one of the most severe abuses possible.
The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse
Silent Treatment Is Severe Abuse *- Peter Griffiths Western Producer Column 1990 (http://www.lib.sk.ca/booksinfo/WesternProducer/1990/WP900614.html - broken link)
Tons more if you google them.
Thanks so much 4 these links...I have felt his silence was a form of abuse, but like you I thought maybe I was nuts!!! I've been so hurt by this so many times, and made to feel like I was wrong for "creating a problem"...but I didn't create the problem, I now realize, I only reacted and pointed it out. As much as it hurts to end it, I'm going to have to...I'm so glad we didn't get married!!!
I'm very sorry you are experiencing it. My ex used his silent treatments often as a form of control to break me down and get me down on my knees, per se. It worked for a long time, until I woke up one day and realized that I allowed him to do so to a point where I was his submissive, push-over, etc. Hope it all works out for you.
I consider that a preventative measure. In person, I do that too after mentioning I need a few minutes to collect myself and gather my thoughts. But dang, my ex, he could go days and weeks. . . I don't know how anyone shuts up for that long.
None of my x's were ever able to shut up... with a couple of them silent treatment would have been sweet relief. Especially the lead singer in a suck band guy
None of my x's were ever able to shut up... with a couple of them silent treatment would have been sweet relief. Especially the lead singer in a suck band guy
I had one of those too! Oh, how I hated being at those awful gigs!
Taking a few hours to cool off is perfectly normal...but this guy does it for days, sometimes weeks, at a time, which is uncalled for. I really believe that we end up with the wrong people for a reason, maybe sometimes it's just because we have to teach them something or vice-versa, so I'm not going to sit around and mope about it. I'm going to hope that by my leaving him, he will realize that he can't take people for granted or manipulate them emotionally, and that the prolonged silent treatment is a form of abuse that no one should have to endure. (I'm also going to hope that I will have better judgment, and that the next guy I date is mature enough to talk things out instead of getting defensive and angry!!!)
Im a practical person. You say he has some redeeming qualities. The way I see it if you break up with him he will be gone anyway so I would lay it on the line. Tell him how you feel and what you want to change. If he shapes up fine . If not then carry on with your plans.
Yes yes silent treatment and cold shoulder is emotionally abusive. My aunt does it, classmates do it to me, a few professors have done it to me, gay people I've tried to connect with have done it to me, yep I've pretty much given up on people having the capability to have respectful and friendly conversations, discussions or negotiations.
I'm guessing so many people come from really dysfunctional and pitiful families and backgrounds ..... otherwise relationships at work, school, and with friends and lovers would be so much more easier ya know lol... I know my parents taught me to be friendly and caring towards others since I was a child....they also enforced it....as an adult I'm really caring and friendly towards people; however, I've had to pull back over the last few years to prevent major and constant disappointments.
Thanks again for all the input, you guys...!
Artsyguy, I'm so sorry you've had this happen to you by so many unkind souls...people can be horrible sometimes!
I feel much better today, and am going to take the advice (thank you Cecelia Rose...!) to sit him down and talk to him before ending this relationship (though I don't really believe he'll be receptive to it, he's so used to being in control of everything...) because unlike him I don't do the silent thing...I care enough to give him the chance to redeem himself, but if he still tries to play the "poor me" card and doesn't agree to stop giving the cold shoulder every time we have a misunderstanding, I am strong enough to walk away. He needs to realize that it's abusive and NOT okay to do to people, whether it's a girlfriend, friend, or family member!!!
Actually, this is the 1st time I've posted (complained officially) about him...
As for his good points...
he's funny, (hilarious, actually), intelligent, loves having lots of animals and rescuing them/finding them new homes as much as I do, a tremendously talented artist, (we do a lot of pieces together and make a great team in that sense), we have the same dreams concerning lifestyle and where/how we want to settle down, and he's very much there for me when I have problems that don't have anything to do with him...
Maybe he relates to animals better than people? He might be best as a friend, but not a s/o. It's not good if he always put his problems ahead of yours. You have an unbalanced relationship and while it may work for him, it's no good for you.
I don't get the cold should treatment from my boyfriend, however if we are too emotionally heated about the topic, we will wait until we cool down before discussing the situation. Even issue does get talked about and resolved in a way that both of us are satisfied with the outcome.
No, she yells at me and throw at me anything she has at hand's reach at that time , usually fortunately only a glass of water!(which in summer is pretty refreshing!lol) then I yell back and slap her (lightly) sometimes...and then the argument is immediately forgotten ! "silent treatment"? unheard of in our couple, any disagreement is "treated" on the spot, no dally-dallying!
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