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Old 10-24-2008, 08:31 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
2,807 posts, read 7,551,800 times
Reputation: 3294

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Okay, I guess I jinxed myself by posting how "happy" I've been in my relationship, because now it seems like it's going downhill at hyperspeed...a little history:

My BF & I have been together for over 3 years now, and from the beginning he's had a ton of problems. First he had a hernia and I turned into the caretaker after only a few months of dating...had to be there night & day b/c he couldn't move very well or do much of anything. His family (mom, dad & now sis) have had health problems from the beginning as well, which has been difficult for him, to say the least. Basically, he's been in turmoil for the duration of the relationship, and because of this he is completely unable to deal with the very real and very normal issues that come up. I can't tell him anything that I percieve to be an issue without him blowing it way out of proportion and getting angry for days, sometimes longer. He turns the situation around and makes me feel guilty for bringing things up b/c he's going thru a rough time. So it's either bite it and let it fester or speak up and risk the cold shoulder &/or ANOTHER mini-break up.

I lost my father to lung cancer when I was 25...my grandmother is very sick right now possibly due to a previous aneurism (she's 86!) and my cat died recently...but HE'S the victim b/c all his family & animals are still alive and there's at least a chance to save them?! Death happens, pain happens, loss happens, LIFE happens...it doesn't make it okay IMO to use these things to get out of trouble or manipulate people into acquiescence.

So today we're at work setting up art for a halloween party and our boss says "we've got time to kill, let me treat u to breakfast"...great! For the 3rd time in a row (and many other scattered times throughout) he walks ahead of me, right through the door, barely holding it open for me, let alone letting me walk inside ahead of him, which is the polite thing to do. (Let me point out here that I always hold the door, whether it's for a male or female if I'm walking first...this is how I was raised.) No, it's not a huge deal, but it made me feel like crap anyway, so I told him "you know, that's the 3rd time you've done that in a row...it really makes me feel bad!" He got so angry he refused to come inside the restaurant, went to his truck and started calling his friends, (probably to complain about me...) and didn't speak to me for the whole rest of the day. (Still not talking...just texted to say how he has "bigger problems" right now, and "thank you for pointing out my shortcomings when I'm going thru such a hard time".) We are both in our mid thirties, for heaven's sake, these high school dramas shouldn't even be part of our consciousness right now!!!

Am I in the wrong here in assuming that adult relationships require talking about issues as they arise and working through them, regardless of what else may be going on in life? Am I supposed to bite my tongue forever if his family continues to be sick? I'm so tired of all this...I love so many things about him, but this attitude he has toward me when we have a problem is wearing me down slowly but surely...I don't want to end up dragging this out if it's never going to change. Any suggestions? What would you do???!!!!
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Old 10-24-2008, 08:35 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 87,912,088 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmycat View Post
Okay, I guess I jinxed myself by posting how "happy" I've been in my relationship, because now it seems like it's going downhill at hyperspeed...a little history:
Sounds familiar. If I'm not mistaken, we told you back when you first posted about it... Or was I being nice for a change and shut up...?
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Old 10-24-2008, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,066,070 times
Reputation: 3787
Lack of communication is a VERY bad sign. The silent treatment is just childish. There are two people in a relationship and time doesn't stop just because there are issues. He may be using the issues to coast through the relationship and not deal with problems. You deserve as much of his time as he does yours and it sounds like you've given the majority of time in this relationship. You have to decide when is your breaking point and you want the time you deserve.
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Old 10-24-2008, 08:40 PM
 
3,562 posts, read 5,203,406 times
Reputation: 1861
Anybody who has been in turmoil for the entire relationship is a Drama Queen and some men are prima donna Drama Queens.

If it was me, I would take care of my own stuff and gradually pull out of taking care of his, because he isn't going to think your life and feelings are worth it until you do.

Nah, that's a lie. I'd kick him to the curb.
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Old 10-24-2008, 08:40 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,758 posts, read 40,008,193 times
Reputation: 18034
Could you post a list of his good points? Because so far, I see no reason for you to waste anymore time with this self centered jerk. What rays of sunshine does he add to your life? It seems like you've been hoping that once he gets his own problems straightened out, you think that he's going to be a great companion for you, that you think he's a hidden treasure. But I see no proof of that.
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Old 10-24-2008, 08:45 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,364 posts, read 24,319,862 times
Reputation: 17360
He sounds like one of my ex bf's. From your description I almost started to believe that you were his next victim. It won't get better. Start talking yourself into moving on.
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Old 10-24-2008, 08:55 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
2,807 posts, read 7,551,800 times
Reputation: 3294
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Sounds familiar. If I'm not mistaken, we told you back when you first posted about it... Or was I being nice for a change and shut up...?
Actually, this is the 1st time I've posted (complained officially) about him...

As for his good points...
he's funny, (hilarious, actually), intelligent, loves having lots of animals and rescuing them/finding them new homes as much as I do, a tremendously talented artist, (we do a lot of pieces together and make a great team in that sense), we have the same dreams concerning lifestyle and where/how we want to settle down, and he's very much there for me when I have problems that don't have anything to do with him...
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Old 10-24-2008, 08:59 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
2,807 posts, read 7,551,800 times
Reputation: 3294
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
He sounds like one of my ex bf's. From your description I almost started to believe that you were his next victim. It won't get better. Start talking yourself into moving on.
I think you're right...he's not going to suddenly change. Thanks for all the posts, you guys, I guess I just feel guilty breaking things off, like I'm abandoning him or something. And then there's the fact that I love him, and it's going to SUCK to be without him no matter how irritating his habits/actions are!!!
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Old 10-24-2008, 09:30 PM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,623,952 times
Reputation: 6381
My ex-sociopath was a pro at the silent treatment. Drove me up the wall. I looked it up during the marriage to see if I was nuts for thinking it was abusive. According to many psychiatric and therapy sites, it is one of the most severe abuses possible.

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse
Silent Treatment Is Severe Abuse *- Peter Griffiths Western Producer Column 1990 (http://www.lib.sk.ca/booksinfo/WesternProducer/1990/WP900614.html - broken link)

Tons more if you google them.
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Old 10-24-2008, 09:50 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, Az
461 posts, read 1,446,160 times
Reputation: 337
When I get really, really angry at someone I do the silent thing until I calm down enough to talk rationally. If I'm that mad I will say something really hurtful out of anger, probably something I don't even mean. Usually if I go out for a walk or a bike ride I come back much less angry and I can talk it through.
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