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Old 10-27-2008, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,435,573 times
Reputation: 40197

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
Capt. Cave Man, I really do understand what you are saying. I know that the grass is probalby not greener on the other side. That is a chance I have to take. I need to do this. I cant live this way anymore. I feel like I am living a lie. Everyone we know thinks we have this perfect marraiage. Everyone is SOOO wrong. I feel like I am losing my mind. I need my space. I need to be by myself.
Only you know in your heart what the right thing to do about your marriage is - just be REAL sure you can deal with the fallout and consequences for what you are about to do - they will be staggering, but not necessarily insurmountable.

Word of advice - do take the time to be by yourself - grow up some more - for AT LEAST 3-5 years before you get involved with any other men. Focus on yourself and your kids ONLY. If you do this your life will be a lot richer in the long run and you'll be more likely to be married FOR GOOD the next time around. PLEASE TAKE THIS ADVICE - YOUR KIDS ARE DEPENDING ON YOU.
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Old 10-27-2008, 08:39 AM
 
Location: SUNNY AZ
4,589 posts, read 13,143,056 times
Reputation: 1850
Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
I did not make this decision in the matter of days - this has been ongoing for months - now that I look back, I have been unhappy for years
IMHO....I think you are going to be very very disapointed in how this other guy turns out......if you haven't been happy for years....changing men won't do it honey sorry . But, best of luck to you....hope i'm wrong.
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Old 10-27-2008, 08:47 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 5,075,166 times
Reputation: 2048
After 40+ pages of all this, and agreeing you need professional help, you've at least got an appointment with a councilor right?

Look, you're young. Make your mistakes. I've always maintained you're not some soccer Natzi mom. You're looking ahead and saying I want something better. You get a job, you started looking around at everybody socializing. You're probably in some office somewhere where everybodies in a suit, and your husband is jeans and a tee-shirt. You get invited out with co-workers and he doesn't want to hang out with suits? Unique? Yeah your rare as hell, probably only 50,000,000 or so women feel like this. Spoiled? Selfish? We all are a little! We're Americans! We can't understand how immagrants can come over here and thrive, and think it's all some sort of tax insentive advantage, when it's really just their willingness to work 80 hours and employ their wife and kids to have a better life, one we take for granted.

We think loving our kids is spending an extra hour shopping at three stores to find that guitar hero they want. Then the kid gets it and asks us to play it with them and we say "do you realize what I went through to track that down for you?, Go play and leave me alone!" But in our minds we're great parents, because we're getting them STUFF we didn't have.

And that's been going on since you and your husband were kids. Bill Clinton messes around with a girl, and half the nation brags about it. And his wife stays with him for her own political ambitions. And they are just one of many examples of a MARRAIGE OF CONVIENANCE.

Our TV ads all trumpet "you deserve..."

Basically society is breaking down fast and furious. And the Lawyers all get rich.

Motherhood? We're about to elect a partial birth abortion advocate in as president, because his other issues are palpable. And the other guys a senile old idiot, and these were the best choices around! Because everybody else qualified was busy making their millions in private sectors.

Why shouldn't you yearn for something better? Everybody else is!
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Old 10-27-2008, 08:57 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,181 posts, read 3,050,340 times
Reputation: 464
Ms. Confused.... if this work guy wasn't in the picture, would you be in such a rush to leave your husband? Go to counseling and find out... alone and together. What do you have to lose? Why are you so reluctant? You're posting on this board for advice from strangers, but when you have the opportunity to get advice from a professional, you're reluctant? WHAT????

Just a note, if the work guy knows you're married, he's a jerk. An honorable man would not pull a wife and mother from her family by preying on a weak moment in her marriage. And one more thing... if he doesn't respect your relationship with your husband, he will not respect your relationship with him. He will cheat or dump you when he gets what he wants. Add that to the uncomforable nature of an office romance where it's always the girl that gets the bad reputation and the guy comes off scott-free, you're headed for disaster there.

Also, marriage counselling is not always for reconciliation. Sometimes, it just helps to get everything out in the open with a neutral third party. It will help both of you even in the event that you decide to go separate ways.

It's time to be strong.

(1) Dump this work guy or if you have a problem being mean, tell him that your life is screwed up right now and you don't want to use him and you'll let him know when you're ready. Also, stop telling him your marriage problems. He's feeding off of that.

(2) Go to marriage counseling with your husband... not for reconciliation, but for communication. You will both identify the problems and you will both make a decision in the end.

(3) Take yourself to another counselor to help you and only you. You need this most of all.
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:05 AM
 
305 posts, read 372,860 times
Reputation: 47
My issue now is, how do I deal with being under the same roof as him for the next 2.5 months if he keeps on trying to act like everything is going ok? He text me this morning telling me he loves me. then he asked if I made the appt. with the councelor. Which I did. i am kind of nervous to go. I dont know what kind of questions she will be asking. Does anyone know what I can expect. And how long to you think is sufficent to go so he will be content with us trying.
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:09 AM
 
305 posts, read 372,860 times
Reputation: 47
mommyv- I know I should stay away from the work guy. I just cant. I have such an attraction to him. and I am positve that even if it was not for this guy I would still want out of my marriage. I am so not happy. As a matter of fact my husband just text me again saying " i want you in my life. I am so sorry if I didnt make you happy." That is the stuff I cannot take. He just wont let me go
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:14 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,181 posts, read 3,050,340 times
Reputation: 464
Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
mommyv- I know I should stay away from the work guy. I just cant. I have such an attraction to him. and I am positve that even if it was not for this guy I would still want out of my marriage. I am so not happy. As a matter of fact my husband just text me again saying " i want you in my life. I am so sorry if I didnt make you happy." That is the stuff I cannot take. He just wont let me go
I said: IT'S TIME TO BE STRONG.

There's no room for "I can't..." talk right now. Yes, you can and you will...
You will stop seeing this guy.
You will go to counselling with your husband.

Think positive and be strong. There's nothing you can't do. You don't need to be scared.

One of the first things the counselor will ask is "Are you willing to work on your marriage?" If you say 'No', then it's not over. They will most likely help you communicate all the "Why's" to your husband. No, it won't be easy, but you're not going just for yourself. They might go a totally different route, but you have to just take the plunge and find out. What's the worst that could happen? You get a divorce?
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,307 posts, read 38,701,875 times
Reputation: 7185
Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
The funny thing is he does love me and respect me. He is great. IF you are interested read some of HELP ME thread and tell me what you think
I think you're f*cking up. "You" ceases to be important in the shadow of the kids (make NO mistake, this will have an enormous impact on them) and this is probably the most selfish thing I've ever heard of. I would never judge someone for leaving an abusive relationship, but it sounds like you partnered with a good man whom you have subsequently decided isn't good enough. You're going to do what you're going to do but don't come here looking for affirmation of your hedge.
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:20 AM
 
305 posts, read 372,860 times
Reputation: 47
I am not worried about getting a divorce. To me the worst that can happen is he will never leave me alone. He will always have that hope that we will get back together. Or worst he will break emotionally and do something horrible to himself. Those are my biggest fears. That is why I am afraid to go to couceling. I am afraid I will be the one to make him snap
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,435,573 times
Reputation: 40197
Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
mommyv- I know I should stay away from the work guy. I just cant. I have such an attraction to him. and I am positve that even if it was not for this guy I would still want out of my marriage. I am so not happy. As a matter of fact my husband just text me again saying " i want you in my life. I am so sorry if I didnt make you happy." That is the stuff I cannot take. He just wont let me go
OH MY GOD, GROW UP!!! Listen to MommyV - she is giving you GREAT advice. You are someone's mother for Pete's sake - you do not get to be this selfish any more. And if you insist on being so selfish and continuing along this path you will reap what you sow - believe me, it won't be pretty and it will be something you will have to live with for YEARS. Trust me, your selfishness will come back to haunt you in your childrens choices as adult in ways you cannot even imagine right now.
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