Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi,
I read your post and can empathize with you. I went through a divorce after 20 years and everyone on the outside thought everything was fine. I just was not happy at all. I wasn't that my ex-wife was a terrible person, she wasn't. It was just that we did not fit together and while I won't go in to all of the details, she was very religious and I had tried for 42 years to be what everybody else wanted me to be and it wasn't me. I had thought about divorce many years before but thought I was in too deep to change.
I once read a quote that stated "Betrayal of yourself, in order not to betray another is still betrayal. In fact fact, it is the highest betrayal." It is a matter of searching within one's one heart and finding out who you really are. No one else can make that decision for you. They can advise you, but NO ONE is in your shoes. So you alone, will make the ultimate decision and you will be ultimately responsible for what happens, not anyone else. So after examining your heart and making your decision, do it in the best possible way. If you have chosen to leave, then try to keep the best possible relationship with your former husband and your children.
I am now 13 years past that divorce, have re-established my relationship with most of my kids, and am in a wonderful marriage of almost 9 years. If I never made the decision to leave, I would probably be as miserable as I was then. Was it all wine and roses since, hardly. There will be difficult, heartbreaking times. But no one has a crystal ball to see what might have been.
I do now judge you at all but can empathize with you. There will be those who think your choice is completely selfish, and there will be those who understand where you are at. The decision for the choice is yours WILL affect others as decisions always do. BUT, to stay in a marriage 'for the sake of the kids' and not being happy will have certain consequences too. My heart is with you on this new path and journey that is opening up for you. In love and light....
The roles in a marriage are very different for a man and a woman. Your ex-wife was wrong to expect you to reinvent yourself for her needs. Because of this she MADE your life miserable. Think back, I would wager that all of your unhappiness was based on her FAILED expectations of YOU. If she had been a good wife, she would have loved you for the MAN THAT YOU WERE and not make you unhappy by trying to make you into someone else. The reason your marriage was unhappy and failed was because of HER FAILINGS, not yours.
In the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", the author puts forth the theory that a marriage is pretty much made or broken by the behavior/attitude of the wife. Therefore, it is really our responsibility to maintain the happiness of our spouses by our actions. If we fail to do that, the marriage will fail. The OP is failing to maintain the joy of the marriage by putting her needs and wants first and not recognizing that it is her actions and HER ACTIONS ALONE that are destroying what could be a happy, wonderful marriage. Just as your wife did to you.
I'm happy you have found someone who is smart enough to understand that having a happy husband and happy marriage is just a matter of doing it. LOL It's so simple, and yet, so many people miss the point.
Another thought I had is after losing 120 lbs which you deserve cudos the amount of estrogen that was stored in that 120 lbs of fat if now raging and you need time to get straightened out. It messes with you please trust this is truth,
20yearsinbranson - I read all of your post and I understand what your trying to say. The problem is I dont feel like we are a team. I really have never felt like we were a team. I feel I have been the one holding him up emotioally all these years. I feel I am more a mother to him then a wife. I need someone to Hold me up sometimes. and if I cannont feel that way with him then I rather be alone.
erosinspirit - Thank you so much for your post. I feel like if I stay and longer I will lose myself completly. I need this for MY emotioanl well being. It that is selfish, then so be it. If I am not happy in my life, then noone in my life will be happy either.
Someone can be the most perfect person in the world, and you just don't feel that way about them.
It can't be controlled. You either have it or you don't. Obviously you don't, so go ahead and leave. Your level of confusion now shows that even if you stay down the line you are going to do the same thing again. It's delaying the inevitable. If he is such a great guy, don't drag this on like everyone else is saying to... leave now so he can start healing and putting his own life back together.
The roles in a marriage are very different for a man and a woman. Your ex-wife was wrong to expect you to reinvent yourself for her needs. Because of this she MADE your life miserable. Think back, I would wager that all of your unhappiness was based on her FAILED expectations of YOU. If she had been a good wife, she would have loved you for the MAN THAT YOU WERE and not make you unhappy by trying to make you into someone else. The reason your marriage was unhappy and failed was because of HER FAILINGS, not yours.
In the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", the author puts forth the theory that a marriage is pretty much made or broken by the behavior/attitude of the wife. Therefore, it is really our responsibility to maintain the happiness of our spouses by our actions. If we fail to do that, the marriage will fail. The OP is failing to maintain the joy of the marriage by putting her needs and wants first and not recognizing that it is her actions and HER ACTIONS ALONE that are destroying what could be a happy, wonderful marriage. Just as your wife did to you.
I'm happy you have found someone who is smart enough to understand that having a happy husband and happy marriage is just a matter of doing it. LOL It's so simple, and yet, so many people miss the point.
20yrsinBranson
I don't way to blame my ex wife for MY happiness. I think my trying to do things to please other people started with trying to please my Mom and being the religious person SHE wanted me to be. I can see that my pleasing just carried over to a spouse when I got married. I don't think anyone, at any time really ask ME, "What is it YOU want out of life?" and "Who is it that you really are?" The religion dictated who I should be and what I should want and it just was never there in my heart. Some people call this religion a cult, but I was taught that this was the truth. It had a major affect on my mind. It was 43 years before I finally decided to walk away from the religion AND the marriage. I actually had family members who understood my walking away from the marriage easier than from the religion.
I am fortunate to have a wonderful spouse who loves me unconditionally and I love her likewise. Had I stayed in the situation that I was in, which all of my family wanted me to, I would be miserable today. But each of our situations is different and my success story is not a reason for someone else to follow suit. I think that it IS an individual choice and know that either way, is going to be rough going.
If we can't be true to ourselves, how can we be true to others? A very insightful question that begs an answer. And the answer is unique to each individual. Trying to find that answer, is the million dollar question.
HI, So I told him I wanted a divorce. (for everyone who does not know my my story, you can read all 30+ pages on my other thread). He wants to try counsiling. I agreed, but told him I did not think it would change the way I feel. He said it will help him feel like we at least tried. What is your thoughts on it.
getting out is the easy way, You took vows? Did they mean anything? You promised to love, honor and cherish in good times and bad times,in sickness and in health, keeping only unto him as long as you both shall LIVE. Now you have kids in the mix and you have lost all that weight. So now go divorce him and forever screw up your children. You lost all that weight and men are noticing and it is flattering, You want to get you some of that YUM YUM. Well you will find out the yum yums are either taken or just faken. All the good ones they say are married up. Which I believe but alot of them will do ya anyway. Christian counseling would be best but any counseling will be good. You may have already blown it by breaking his heart. You should bring him honor he deserves nothing less. 2nd marriages have a low stay together % . The grass is not greener. There is absolutely no chance it won't mess up you kids. Then if he remarried she might mess them up more.I feel bad for the kids they had no say about birth or divorce or who they will live with or were you planning on letting him take them so you can party? I would have stayed in my 1st marriage even tho he cheated until my son was grown. It would not have been fun but my son would have been less damaged. I am sorry but I am 1000% against it but I am nobody to you. you will have to do and live with your mistakes. good luck on that.
20yearsinbranson - I read all of your post and I understand what your trying to say. The problem is I dont feel like we are a team. I really have never felt like we were a team. I feel I have been the one holding him up emotioally all these years. I feel I am more a mother to him then a wife. I need someone to Hold me up sometimes. and if I cannont feel that way with him then I rather be alone.
I find that people who have needy spouses, choose them that way. You got something out of being the strong one, maybe a personal sense of satisfaction, maybe a sense of control. Maybe you were the caregiver in your family's emotional life. People do not choose needy people unless it serves them in some way to do so.
Another thing to consider is you and your husbands communication. Perhaps you are not getting the signals that he is sending. You say that you have been holding him up emotionally all these years, and perhaps that is how you have shown him that you love him, in your way. You may think that just because he is not behaving the same way toward you that he is not showing you love. You are using your definitions. His definitions may be completely different. His way of showing love (as many men do) might be paying the bills, going to work, doing yard work, etc. Unless you both communicate what your definitions are, there will be much misunderstanding.
My question is this. Have you TOLD him that you need him to hold you up emotionally? Have you told him EXACTLY what this means and how to do it? You cannot tell a two-year-old to go put up their own swing-set and then get mad at them because they don't know how to do it. Husbands (and wives) must be taught what the other party needs, wants, etc., and how it is defined in their minds. If you haven't taken the time and effort to sit down and communicate fully, then you cannot expect him to be a mind-reader.
20 years in branson- No I never told him how or what I needed. I have a hard time trying to figure out what I need for myself- let alone try to articulate it to someone else.
But at this point honestly, I have no energy or desire to try to fix this at this point.
I just want the smoothest trasition positble
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.