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Old 10-25-2008, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Cheshire, UK
306 posts, read 1,159,971 times
Reputation: 219

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
Sandoco-I know you are right. and I really do wish I could listen to you. I know that I am probably making a mistake but I cant stay. Maybe I deserve to be unhappy. I know right now my bigest issue is my kids, but I dont want to stay just because of that. Then one day they will move out I will be 10 years older and it will be that harder to leave. And on top of all that, the home they live in now, is far from peace and happiness. Maybe that is becasue of me, I dont know. All I know is I feel I cannot breath here. I need to find out who I am. This thing with the guy at work - It went as far as kissing. and that was yesterday. I did feel like I was a teenager again and that felt great. It feels like it is what I need right now to get through this. AS far as me thinking he loves me or even cares deeply about me, I know he dosent. BUt it feels so good to know he wants me. That I am attractive to someone other than my husband. To feel like a beautiful women, instead of a mom and wife. I know in my heart he probabaly thinks I am easily manipulated, but some part of me hopes he really does care. and maybe He can help ease my pain in all this. I know I sound like a fool and you all are thinking I should get what I deserve, but I cannot help how I feel. This guy does got me all twisted thought. I think about him constenly. I doubt he spends this much time thinking about me. but I my own emotioanl mess I think maybe he is sitting thinking about me, just as much as I am about him. And before anyone says anything - In my heart, my marraige was over LONG BEFORE this guy was in the picture

I dont know you or your situation. My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage for 32 yrs. All 5 kids did a happy dance when they finially divorced. I am a child of divorce. So is my step daughter. We are both fine.

Do not beat yourself up for doing something to make your life happy. Dont think you dont deserve happieness. Dont allow anyone to make you go down that road.

I suggest you read a book called, Eat, love, Pray. Its about a woman who is in an unhappy marriage and can not take it anymore. Its not the life she wants. So she changes it. Great and uplifting story.

Good luck to you. Being true to yourself is the best thing you can do for your children. Would you want any of your kids to live a life they are unhappy in. No. Why should you?
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Old 10-25-2008, 01:29 PM
 
305 posts, read 372,836 times
Reputation: 47
ButerflyUK - Just reading your words made me cry. You give me hope that everything might turn out alright. Thank you sooo much. Hearing that is just what I needed. I will pick up the book. And thanks again
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Old 10-25-2008, 01:59 PM
 
1,009 posts, read 705,544 times
Reputation: 525
Ms. Confused, listen everyone including myself are just trying to help you here. Not tell you what to do , a big difference. You asked for opinions you are getting them. Some of us have been down that road and some of us are older and experienced life to a certain degree . We trying to help you that's all, the ultimate decision of course is yours. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Listen I am older than you and I have big issues in my marriage, yes I should have left and didn't. At the moment I am concentrating on me. I work make money and make me happy. We are responsible for our own happiness and misery. My children are grown and beautiful adults whom are finishing school and moving on to their careers. I felt a lot of what your saying, trust me. All I am saying to you is to put things in perspective, have a plan. Money is important today and you seem to have these feelings that you don't care you will make due. Yes if things are really bad at home where he would be beating you and the kids, then definitely run to the nearest door. But that's not so, personally I think someone has caught your attention and you are not thinking rationally.

Just get some professional help for yourself, and you will find your way.. Good luck!
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:04 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
2,807 posts, read 7,562,392 times
Reputation: 3294
I know I haven't commented up to this point, but I have been reading both threads and also have a book to reccomend. It's called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a very deep and uplifting take on the human state and talks about how unhealthy it is to beat ourselves up. Ruiz points out that animals make a mistake and they pay for it once, while we humans punish ourselves again and again. I hope you read it and it helps you realize that staying in a marriage/relationship solely for the sake of others is not a good choice...I know a lot of people have bashed you on here, and you must be feeling pretty bad about yourself right now. Just remember you have the right to be happy and you are the architect of your own existence. I don't believe counselling will change your feelings about being with this person...it's not your fault you don't love him the same way he loves you, and you shouldn't have to justify that to anyone or be made to feel that your emotions are wrong. Good luck, and I hope you find the peace of mind you seek.
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:11 PM
 
1,882 posts, read 4,609,810 times
Reputation: 2683
I guess kids just don't matter to people anymore. MS. you'll get want you deserve, and I honestly don't know what that will be.
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:22 PM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,633,729 times
Reputation: 6381
Hey adulterer, have fun in what will now be your downward spiral.
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:23 PM
 
Location: So Cal
51,956 posts, read 52,386,711 times
Reputation: 52458
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
Hey adulterer, have fun in what will now be your downward spiral.
Funny post.

I agree.
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:32 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,588 posts, read 17,510,797 times
Reputation: 9462
There is something you may not have tried. It's calling "acting as if". If you act as if you're in love with your husband, if you start treating him like he's special and means the world to you, your emotions might become engaged again. If you commit yourself to doing this for a month or two (maybe until after the holidays?), it could change everything. I'm not saying it would be easy. It's not. It's the most difficult thing in the world to reconnect with someone when you already feel 99.9% disconnected! But considering your family, I think you owe it to everyone to give every last bit of effort you can before you walk away.

However, if you're really sure you want to leave, then do it now. Why go through the holidays if your marriage is so uncomfortable and such a farce? Putting it off won't lessen the pain at all for your husband and kids. If you are at all unsure, though, then I would urge you to go to individual counseling to try to clarify things a little, plus trying what I mentioned above.

You're still young enough, by the way, to "find out who you are" after your kids are grown up. I'm 45, and I'm about to do just that. And who's to say you can't have an interest of your own while you're married and raising a family? I know how busy life is, but you can take half an hour for yourself every day to investigate a new hobby, like photography, for example.

And about this guy who kissed you yesterday, this is identical to the situation I was in when I was still married (but disconnected emotionally). Believe me, any man who cared about you as a person would not put himself in the middle of your marriage - period. Any man who had any regard for you at all would stay out of it completely. He's in this now because he doesn't care about you at all. He only cares how quickly and easily he'll be able to seduce you. He's not helping you through this; he's making the problem worse, and confusing you. I'm not trying to dissuade you; I just hope you see him for who he really is if you choose to go that route.

I do wish you the best of luck. I understand how you feel, and yet I also wince for your children. They didn't ask for any of this, and no matter how it goes, divorce will be devastating for them. I only hope that they won't have to switch schools, etc., and that everything will be okay financially.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MS. Confused View Post
Sandoco-I know you are right. and I really do wish I could listen to you. I know that I am probably making a mistake but I cant stay. Maybe I deserve to be unhappy. I know right now my bigest issue is my kids, but I dont want to stay just because of that. Then one day they will move out I will be 10 years older and it will be that harder to leave. And on top of all that, the home they live in now, is far from peace and happiness. Maybe that is becasue of me, I dont know. All I know is I feel I cannot breath here. I need to find out who I am. This thing with the guy at work - It went as far as kissing. and that was yesterday. I did feel like I was a teenager again and that felt great. It feels like it is what I need right now to get through this. AS far as me thinking he loves me or even cares deeply about me, I know he dosent. BUt it feels so good to know he wants me. That I am attractive to someone other than my husband. To feel like a beautiful women, instead of a mom and wife. I know in my heart he probabaly thinks I am easily manipulated, but some part of me hopes he really does care. and maybe He can help ease my pain in all this. I know I sound like a fool and you all are thinking I should get what I deserve, but I cannot help how I feel. This guy does got me all twisted thought. I think about him constenly. I doubt he spends this much time thinking about me. but I my own emotioanl mess I think maybe he is sitting thinking about me, just as much as I am about him. And before anyone says anything - In my heart, my marraige was over LONG BEFORE this guy was in the picture
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Cheshire, UK
306 posts, read 1,159,971 times
Reputation: 219
Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. Cave Man View Post
I guess kids just don't matter to people anymore. MS. you'll get want you deserve, and I honestly don't know what that will be.
So you think living with parents that are unhappy is the best thing for them? [mod cut: personal attack] From a kid who lived it let me say...you do not know what you are talking about.

[mod cut: personal attack]

Last edited by SandyCo; 10-25-2008 at 02:58 PM..
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:43 PM
 
Location: in purgurtory in London
3,722 posts, read 4,294,768 times
Reputation: 1292
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmycat View Post
I know I haven't commented up to this point, but I have been reading both threads and also have a book to reccomend. It's called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a very deep and uplifting take on the human state and talks about how unhealthy it is to beat ourselves up. Ruiz points out that animals make a mistake and they pay for it once, while we humans punish ourselves again and again. I hope you read it and it helps you realize that staying in a marriage/relationship solely for the sake of others is not a good choice...I know a lot of people have bashed you on here, and you must be feeling pretty bad about yourself right now. Just remember you have the right to be happy and you are the architect of your own existence. I don't believe counselling will change your feelings about being with this person...it's not your fault you don't love him the same way he loves you, and you shouldn't have to justify that to anyone or be made to feel that your emotions are wrong. Good luck, and I hope you find the peace of mind you seek.
I've had that book on my shelf for 3 years and yet have to read it. Still waiting to resolve my various neurosis first.
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