Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Honestly, I see myself in you. You are defending him, and his actions, and no matter what a "nice person" he is, he doesn't deserve it. You came here asking for our opinions and help, and you don't like what you are hearing. So be it. The decision is yours to make - you are a grown up/adult/however you want to put it. But the simple facts are that he won't change if you are there supporting him (emotionally, financially, or otherwise). He can and WILL suck you dry - and not just your money - because you are willing to let him. There are things that healthy relationships have - they are called boundaries. And you don't have any. I don't mean to sound harsh, because like I said - I have been you. But you didn't come here for help. You came here for justification for your actions. And I, for one, can't give it to you. I hate to see anyone go through the garbage I went through, but at least you will go into it having been informed. This isn't just about money - it's about a healthy relationship, and you don't have it.
And when he starts being responsible with his money then what is there left??
What is there left??? What do you mean?
Being responsible with money is not the only characteristic of a good man - there are things like leadership ability, emotionally stable, strong character, someone who lives up to his committments, spiritual, mature, selfless rather than selfish, and with a firm understanding of what "love" really is - a verb, an action, not an emotion.
No one is saying your guy is a "bad" guy - but he is a boy - a boy who doesn't seem to want to grow up. Boys like this sometimes never do. You would be smarter to look for a real man.
And when he starts being responsible with his money then what is there left?? I know people who aren't even decent human beings but fake it well.
Look, do you want our opinions or not? Nobody on this thread is hating on you. Almost all of us are older, wiser, and have seen this sad story play out time and time again. I'm 46, and I've witnessed more than my share of feckless girlfriends/boyfriends who are nice, but are terrible people to go through life with.
And there's the rub. Right now, you don't realize it, but your life is easy. You have a job that pays the bills. You don't have a mortgage, and you don't have kids. Yet this guy can't even hack it now. What do you think is going to happen ten years from now when you mix a house payment and two kids into the equation? Do you really trust this guy further than you can throw your car? I don't mean his ethics, mind you. I mean his general reliability. For intentions are one thing. Actions are something completely different.
Now, we all certainly understand that you're reluctant to let go of somebody with whom you've invested so much. But there's such a thing as cutting your losses and moving on. Because, quite frankly, you have no idea how good it feels to be in a relationship with someone who holds up their end of the bargain and can actually be trusted from day to day. It's a great thing to have in life.
Honestly, I see myself in you. You are defending him, and his actions, and no matter what a "nice person" he is, he doesn't deserve it. You came here asking for our opinions and help, and you don't like what you are hearing. So be it. The decision is yours to make - you are a grown up/adult/however you want to put it. But the simple facts are that he won't change if you are there supporting him (emotionally, financially, or otherwise). He can and WILL suck you dry - and not just your money - because you are willing to let him. There are things that healthy relationships have - they are called boundaries. And you don't have any. I don't mean to sound harsh, because like I said - I have been you. But you didn't come here for help. You came here for justification for your actions. And I, for one, can't give it to you. I hate to see anyone go through the garbage I went through, but at least you will go into it having been informed. This isn't just about money - it's about a healthy relationship, and you don't have it.
An excellent post. The OP should really read this and take it to heart. We're only trying to help you, you know.
Look, do you want our opinions or not? Nobody on this thread is hating on you. Almost all of us are older, wiser, and have seen this sad story play out time and time again. I'm 46, and I've witnessed more than my share of feckless girlfriends/boyfriends who are nice, but are terrible people to go through life with.
And there's the rub. Right now, you don't realize it, but your life is easy. You have a job that pays the bills. You don't have a mortgage, and you don't have kids. Yet this guy can't even hack it now. What do you think is going to happen ten years from now when you mix a house payment and two kids into the equation? Do you really trust this guy further than you can throw your car? I don't mean his ethics, mind you. I mean his general reliability. For intentions are one thing. Actions are something completely different.
Now, we all certainly understand that you're reluctant to let go of somebody with whom you've invested so much. But there's such a thing as cutting your losses and moving on. Because, quite frankly, you have no idea how good it feels to be in a relationship with someone who holds up their end of the bargain and can actually be trusted from day to day. It's a great thing to have in life.
SO well said You are exactly right...young women sell themselves short time and time again because they "L - O- V- E him!"
There is no substitute for having a real man in your life
Why would I pay for his debt??? he already knows that I'm not doing anything with him until he straightens EVERYTHING out and keeps it that way.
And you are willing to waste your youth away on this guy that just has "potential" when there could be someone out there that has it all?
You are getting mighty defensive and that's fine, I was in your shoes. I suppose those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeve will ultimately have to learn the same way---but making our bed and laying in it. I was lucky, yes LUCKY, that he cheated on me before I wasted away my youth and before I made any major commitments so I learned to get myself out of that mess early. But it was still 5 years of my life I can't get back and that I could have dedicated to someone else more worthy. How much are you willing to put down on the table?
Make a list of all your failed relationships. You know, the soul-scarring bastages who made you miserable.
Now, sit down and figure out what attracted you to those people in the first place. Now go out and look for the opposite person. For you are probably ignoring great guys right now because they don't fit into some preordained box of your own construction.
When I was dating, I kept going out with the same type of woman over and over again: Artsy, introspective, and neurotic. After a bad breakup, I finally decided to go out and date the exact opposite kind of person. Two months later, I met my wife.
Cpg, don't you really understand that not everybody who wants to eat a steak is willing to eat spinach for the rest of his/her life just because it happens to be "good for ya"?!
I'm not saying your advice is wrong because it isn't; however, not all of us are as evolved as to be so calculating in the romantic department.
Cpg, don't you really understand that not everybody who wants to eat a steak is willing to eat spinach for the rest of his/her life just because it happens to be "good for ya"?!
I'm not saying your advice is wrong because it isn't; however, not all of us are as evolved as to be so calculating in the romantic department.
Well, let's try a different analogy. Instead of giving up steak for spinach, why not lobster?
And, really, it's not about being calculating. It's really about breaking out of a rut in one's life. The types one chooses to date in life can be just as habitual as smoking. And just as bad for you.
Yes I am defending him because you all don't know him. And I don't appreciate comments calling him a loser or whatever. I know what his faults are and when I am tired of dealing with it that is when I will leave. I'm not about to give up on someone just because everyone else's experience were horrible. People can change. Yes some don't. I'm not about to pretend I'm perfect or that I got my life all figured out. I'm far from it. Which is why I wouldn't want someone taking a look at my life and think she doesn't deserve for me to help her. Justifications to what actions?? My being with him?? I don't need anyone to justify my relationship. I put up with it because I want to. Not because I'm blinded by love. I'm giving this relationship everything I have because I treat this relationship as a marriage. So that when I do get married I know I am ready. I know I'm not going to get a divorce just because things aren't working out. I can't hack it now either. I think every other day about moving back with my mother but I'm a trooper and I rather suffer thru it then give up. And i obviously know what is going to happen ten years from now when I mix in kids and mortgage with him. Which is why I haven't gotten married or pregnant to him. And I asked for advice not peoples opinion on what type of person my boyfriend is.
Last edited by mir_ny; 10-29-2008 at 10:12 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You are exactly right...young women sell themselves short time and time again because they "L - O- V- E him!" 
