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When I met the boyfriend he had a job. When we started seeing each other he quit his job. He was unemployed for a year. Now he has been working at the same job for three years but it's off the books. He is 26. All his stuff is at his mom apt but he stays with me in my shared apt. I'm 25.
Last year he decided he was going to go back to school full time and work full time too. I warned him not to go back to school full time since he had pay for it himself and it would be better if he started of slowly. well anyways I don't think he passed any of the classes he didn't drop already. Which means he threw away $2000+.
So then I came up with the bright idea that we save money to move out together. Then he started acting weird about the money that was put away. Come to find out he used the money to buy me a birthday gift. Of course I made him pay me back. But then that turned me off from wanting to move in with him.
He is very irresponsible with paying his bills and managing his money. He doesn't take any of my suggestions to help manage things better. I get so irritated that he is throwing away money on overdraft and late fees. That is money that could be spent on me! (joke) But really we coulda at least been moved in together.
He is a great person. But he sucks as a boyfriend. He says he wants to change. he doesn't want to be irresponsible anymore. blah blah blah. I'm just sick of hearing it but not seeing it. He has great potential to be an awesome boyfriend/husband/father. How do I help this process along??
Do not ever work on potential. I wasted 5 years of my life on the hope of "potential" and put up with a blood-sucking leech that lost one job after another, went through unemployment, sucked up thousands upon thousands of dollars from my account to pay for his computer game obsession, and then ended up cheating on me after he finally got on his feet.
I have one word for you: Run.
You can do better. Don't try to change them, take them for who they are. And that's why they need to have all the qualities and quantities you look for first. Less work for you, less pain for you, and more happiness for you both.
You are not married to this guy. You are not responsible for him...yet. Just imagine what mess you might be in if you were actually married and his lack of responsibility affected your credit scores!
I agree with smerkygrl. \
He is too immature and irresponsible for 26. Find a man with the qualities you want. Dont waste your time trying to change someone.
I would leave immediatley. the best way for him to change is to do it by himself. he does not need you teaching him how to be responsible. That job was supposed to have been done by his parents not a potentia spouse.
Also what makes him such a good potential father/husband if he is so irresponsible?
See if they offer a time-management, money management course at the local community college in your area. See if that helps. I hear there are also courses like this offered by Goodwill, but I'm not familiar, so you'll have to research that.
I have to warn you though that the way a couple views financial priorities is the #1 reason for marriage conflicts. This is not a minor issue. It's not a she's right and he's wrong thing, its that you both see money very differently. This issue goes deeper than what he's buying, it's how he manages his life vs. how you manage yours.
You may either choose to stand your ground and lay down some rules w/ harsh consequences if broken (much like raising a child) or you can move on to someone who's more like you in that regard. The question is: Is he worth it? No one can answer that but you.
So many women make that mistake. They think they can "change" a man. If he doesn't want to change he never will. If you can't see eye to eye on things now it will only get worse with more responsibilities.
I say, move on and don't look back. If it was truly meant to be he will grow up and you will be together. Right now you need to "run as fast as you can".
I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear but he will only bring you down.
Another voice of experience here. My boyfriend, then fiance, then husband was the same way. Lots of potential, some great qualities, but no real motivation to combine the two. Poor (read: really, really lousy!) money management skills. Cost me lots of money, aggravation and time. 15 years later and a child later, we are divorcing. If he wants to change, let him. By himself. Don't help him, and don't try to do it for him (this is called enabling). If he truly wants to change and continue in a relationship with you at a future date when he has proven he can do it on his own, then consider it. But not now. Keep separate households, and keep your distance.
For the most part I agree, never get serious based on changing someone, I have seen some late bloomers but its always best to base your life plans on the here and now.
BTW... I married someone like this. It's a big mistake thinking that you can change someone. Unfortunately, by the time I found out he was like this, we were already married with children. There were many other issues too, but because of his financial dependancy, it took me years to get out of the marriage.
During the entire time, he wanted to change, be more responsible with money, hold down a job, etc... he just couldn't ever follow through because he always saw spending as a sign of happiness rather than savings. Buying stuff gives you a natural high, while saving offers no instant self-gratification.
I'm not wealthy, but I make a decent living and manage my money well while he's barely keeping his head above water and bouncing checks and has no financial future. The kids carry the heavy burden of his financial troubles and I fear that eventually, he will become a burden on them.
He could be a very decent man, but the best indication of future performance is past performance. It is nearly impossible to change people. I understand you want to help him, but you can lead him in the right direction. He has to help himself. Until that happens, you need to realize that your differences on this issue is a relationship nightmare that only gets worse with time and more committment. There's no need to feel guilty... no marriage, no kids, no ties. And don't start making ties by moving in together until he fixes himself.
26 is too old to be living at home. He should move out and have his own place and be independant before entering into any type of long-term relationship. This goes for everyone!
Thanks guys. It's not what I wanted to hear but you all are right. And it wasn't something i didn't know already. I just wanted to know I did everything possible. I don't want what ifs when looking back on this relationship.
Younglisa: you are right. he is going to bring me down considering he is holding me back as is.
MommyV: this relationship has been like raising a child. Which is probably why I don't have any and have changed my mind about having any in the near future.
Thanks again!!
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