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jimboburnsy-GEE Thanks- well at least I am trying to be as honest as I can. I am only human. I make mistakes. I am in a tough situation. I have no excuses. Just confusion
You better clear your fog somehow before it's too late!
lola8822- maybe your right, I am just selfish. I just have lived so many years unhappy. I have not enjoyed sex with him for years. We never laugh together. We never have fun together. We never have deep conversations together. I dont know what went wrong. I feel like if I was to stay, I would be merserable forever. He gets up very early for work, he works hard so by the time the kids get to bed he is falling asleep too. So we never go anywhere, we never do anything. It just took its toll. I really dont know what else to say.
lola8822- maybe your right, I am just selfish. I just have lived so many years unhappy. I have not enjoyed sex with him for years. We never laugh together. We never have fun together. We never have deep conversations together. I dont know what went wrong. I feel like if I was to stay, I would be merserable forever. He gets up very early for work, he works hard so by the time the kids get to bed he is falling asleep too. So we never go anywhere, we never do anything. It just took its toll. I really dont know what else to say.
Have you ever heard that saying "bored people are boaring"?? How much fun do you think he had living with you? Apparently he wasn't having fun either.....i'm assuming. Why not make an effort to make it better instead of sitting there pouting that your soooo unhappy?? It doesn't matter if you start dating Brad freekin' Pitt.....you have that attitude now with this man....you'll have it with the next one and the one after and the one after that. You can't expect other people to complete you or to make you whole.....you have to put in the effort. If you were bored one night and you guys were just sitting there doing nothing why not suggest something or just start horsing around with him......you create your own world, your own existance.....no one can do that for you and no one can fix what you create.....it's not that he is boaring or dull it's that you were.
maybe your right maybe i am boring. He does not like to meet new people. I would not be able to bring him out with people I work with he would be meserbable and that would make me mersarable. Even with my kids, he is a great dad, but he never seems like he is really enjoying himself when he is with them, He seems tense and he seems . And he is a little jealous. I wouldnt be able to go out without him, he thinks married people have no reason to go out for drinks alone. All this stuff over the years has taken its toll on me
and you know what....if you had come on here and said look.....I've tried counseling, therapy, changing my behavior, talking till i'm blue in the face and anything and everything else I knew how to do....it might be a different story. Instead, you come on here talking about some work guy and how you lost so much weight and you want time with your girls......how do you expect us to react? That's crazy. I really do think that once you have the opportunity to come out of the daze your in....you really will regret it.
sierraAz- How do I clear the fog? I dont know, I really feel like I am drowning here. I have never felt this messed up before
I know the feeling... been there... That's the reason you're pissing me off. That's why I believe I told you on the first thread to not make any decisions in this state of mind and you did anyway. You might be throwing a good life away instead of putting effort into improving it and you'll live to regret it soon. Then again, I'm not behind your closed doors and you might have legitimate reasons for feeling this way you can't quite verbalize. Insidious emotional abuse CAN have the same symptoms and it’s extremely hard to explain to strangers... I don't know... However, based on what you’ve said about your husband, I don’t think so… What I do know is it's not only your marriage you're unhappy with. You’ll be unhappy after this train wreck, too, most likely even unhappier after you’re hit with many burdens you don’t even take into account now. And you have children. Just trust me on this one.
IMO, one should make a choice between wanting to be married or not. Some people feel suffocated in a marriage and it’s not the fault of the marriage. That’s due to their own emotional problems. I don’t believe the choice of a partner matters all that much, unless they have totally unacceptable behavior. With each new partner you only get a brand new set of problems which can be more serious than the ones before. You’ve lived a sheltered life. You’ve no idea what scum there is out there and how much of it. I would understand your decision if you wanted to be alone, but you don’t. I can promise you right now that the next guy in your life will be worse, possibly much worse.
You need time alone to try to calm down, think rationally, and reevaluate the situation. And for Pete’s sake, drop that loser from work who’s mudding the waters even more. Think, read some relationship books, go to a therapist, quit talking with various strangers. Just don’t file for a divorce in a haste before you get your head out of that place where it doesn’t shine!
sierraaz- your post really hit home for me. I dont know if my relationship has any emotional abuse issues. I think so. We have both been through so much stuff over the years. And in some ways, a lot of ways we have abused eachother. I know I need therey. I am going on Monday. I really hope it helps. Do you think I can get help with someone who is not a licened phycologist? this person I am going to see is just a therpist, so I am not sure if I should search for someone else, this is what my husband insurance pays for. I think I do need to be alone. I am trying to distance myself from the guy at work. I know he cant have my well being in mind if he keeps pursuing me when he knows what I am going through. He claims he really cares about me and he will not presure me he will wait until I figure things out. I am staying as far away as I can right now. I just need time to figure it all out. I already told my husband I was not going to file for divorce right away. How long in therepy do you think it will take before I know for sure? I know that is probably not a question you can anwser, but I would like opioions. It just this in between state is killing me.
sierraaz- your post really hit home for me. I dont know if my relationship has any emotional abuse issues. I think so. We have both been through so much stuff over the years. And in some ways, a lot of ways we have abused eachother. I know I need therey. I am going on Monday. I really hope it helps. Do you think I can get help with someone who is not a licened phycologist? this person I am going to see is just a therpist, so I am not sure if I should search for someone else, this is what my husband insurance pays for. I think I do need to be alone. I am trying to distance myself from the guy at work. I know he cant have my well being in mind if he keeps pursuing me when he knows what I am going through. He claims he really cares about me and he will not presure me he will wait until I figure things out. I am staying as far away as I can right now. I just need time to figure it all out. I already told my husband I was not going to file for divorce right away. How long in therepy do you think it will take before I know for sure? I know that is probably not a question you can anwser, but I would like opioions. It just this in between state is killing me.
You're right. I can't answer any of your questions, Ms. Confused, but I can give you some food for thought with a story of mine. I tend not to share much serious personal stuff and I've been biting my fingers for a while now as I don't like showing weakness in public. I could've sent you a DM, but somebody else may benefit from it.
The reason I'm inclined to share it is in a way you remind me of me. I also made a decision in a state of fog similar to yours. It's like we both my ex and I were possessed (well, our marriage was rocky all along). I was alone, was thinking a lot, reading a lot, assigning personality disorders first to my ex-husband... then to both of us... going back and forth like crazy... I had "support," too from a friend who might've (only subconsciously and/or unknowingly) not had the best for my marriage in mind... Granted, my ex and I did try to "work things out" after being separated for a few months. What we did, though, was basically reenacting the initial infatuation and not really working in any way on the issues we had, so soon enough we were back to square one. In our case, we were both short-tempered, impatient, and stubborn. We hadn't been together for a long time and had to overcome many serious obstacles (logistics) while not even being used to each other enough. Things could've been different. We could've tried some professional help, but we didn't. We could've lived in a state that doesn't dispense divorces as quickly and easily as a Pez container, but we did. I could've been less efficient and not converted an unassumable loan into an assumable one in no time, but I was. So... things moved pretty quickly in friendly AZ all through the fog ... no-fault... no kids... house & other financials taken care beforehand... all it took was $400 and a stop or two at a paralegal...
Where are they now...? My ex who apparently needs company more than I do lives with some ho-hum woman who apparently can't hold a candle to me, but they have lower highs and higher lows I've been told... I'm alone because the menu on the market scares the daylights out of me, not to mention how much I hate job interviews what essentially dates are these days. I achieved my lifetime dream of having a nice, clean, and decorated to my taste house. Is it fun being alone in it...? Not very much and as you can imagine my financial situation is not the best because single households are the most expensive. My life consists of working and house issues (having two left hands doesn't help with any of them) peppered with attempts at some fun. I think some subconscious guilt was partially a reason for my house purchase, too, as I felt somewhat guilty for my ex being stuck with the other house bought at the end of '05, mind you. I feel responsible for this decision because I hadn't lived through house bubbles and thought we were gonna be priced out while he had and was nervous about that purchase. Sooo, instead of having a very comfortable life together, we're both struggling. Because he was fiscally quite irresponsible his whole life despite making good money, I'd taken the matters in my hands and was planning on making up for it, which is why he's now stuck with a 15-year mortgage on a grossly overpriced house he might be even upside-down on despite the substantial downpayment. He'll probably never retire as we were planning to do together in about 6 or 7 short years and get out of the country (he's much older than I am), which made me stand life here a whole lot easier. I'm looking at decades at slaving away now. The lady he lives with will some day lament on a forum like this how he doesn't wanna marry her. She's paying her own house. Not that we were a great team, but they're not a team at all... they're just killing each other's time. There IS a difference between being married and living together and it's not only the piece of paper... Most people living together have their own goals. Me... I doubt I'll get even that brave... I know some things for a fact - I'm not leaving my city, my job, or my house for anybody or anything AT ALL provided I'm in my right mind and I hope it doesn't ever leave me.
What am I getting at... We're both essentially decent people - good-looking, smart, educated. On paper we had it all - attraction, no financial problems, no influence from parents, no burdens from children... nothing at all. It was supposed to be "us against the world"; only it turned into "us against each other"... We had almost no other social outlets, though. I think having no family and/or friends around really makes people concentrate too much on each other and start looking for faults with a magnifying glass. Nobody was a bum, nobody was a drunk, an abuser, a cheater, nobody went to strip clubs, watched secretly porn, flirted online, played video games, you name it... Just normal, clean-cut, hard-working people who could've made it had we been more patient and had we had less idealistic expectations of each other and demands on each other. Then again, perhaps we were people who brought the worst in each other and couldn't have continued... who knows... and we'll never know since it was so easy and convenient to just part our ways in haste... Perhaps we were unhappy for other reasons and blamed it on each other... We see each other by chance occasionally. We don't hate each other... we don't love each other... but I'm not sure we'll be ever truly indifferent to each other... There always seems to be this lingering "what if" feeling in air... "we were crazy for each other; how did we get here?"...
At least there were no innocent victims in our self-destruction. You guys have children. Think about it... Don't rush anything! Good luck!
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