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Jake,
Your post really hit home for me. After 45 years of marriage my dad left my mother for another women about 3 years ago. He has been in poor health for many years and my mother has given up her life to care for him. She even went back to work after being retired so that they would have better insurance. While she was working he was cheating.
My mother was destroyed by all of this. She had never been on her own having married him right out of high school. Poor thing couldn't take care of anything. She lost her job because of all of the stress and never had any friends due to always doing what my father wanted. We (my DH, kids and self) were all she had. Dad had the new girlfriend.
What I learned echos much of what others have said. You can't let them put you in the middle. I had to tell both my parents that I was unwilling to listen to them trash the other. I told them that they were both my parents and that I loved them equally. My mother was upset by this at first. She wants me to hate my dad for what he did to her. I told her that he did it to her, not to me, not to my kids but to her. I hate what my Dad did but I can't hate him. He's my Dad.
Tell them both that you are unwilling to talk about their problems. It is the only sane way to get through this.
Another way to think about it is "to listen more than speak." Both may just need a sounding board rather than advice.
I disagree; your parents shouldn't burden you with the details. You're their adult child and they shouldn't use you as a "sounding board." If they HAVE to talk to someone, they should go to a friend or counsellor.
Expecting you to listen to their tales of marital woe is rather selfish IMHO.
Good luck
anyone have any tips for the holidays? they are still living together, but have both seen lawyers and are planning on initiating the divorce process in january... i havent been with both of them together since i found out. my dads acting like nothings happened, and my mom said she will be fine and wants to do whatever is easiest for me... she said she can deal with having him around if it's what i want.... is it? or is it best to just keep them separate now?
Thats correct. Another way to think about it is "to listen more than speak." Both may just need a sounding board rather than advice. Good luck young man.
I think you have been given some good advice here..good luck and I"m sorry you are somewhat put in the middle of this.
anyone have any tips for the holidays? they are still living together, but have both seen lawyers and are planning on initiating the divorce process in january... i havent been with both of them together since i found out. my dads acting like nothings happened, and my mom said she will be fine and wants to do whatever is easiest for me... she said she can deal with having him around if it's what i want.... is it? or is it best to just keep them separate now?
Have you considered taking a trip? Just you, leave them behind. Maybe you could talk a few of your friends into a ski trip, or hop down to the Bahamas? OR, maybe you just travel to spend Christmas with your best friends family, something like that? It's just that at this point where you all are emotionally it seems a bit of a sham to try to share the holiday. Hopefully in the future things will be better between them again (even if they get divorced) and you can all share a holiday together another year. But if you can't get away this year I'd recommend a small celebration with each individually. Best of luck honey.
I am 24 years old and I recently found out my dad has been having an affair with another married woman for the last 6 months. My mom discovered it, and he admitted it. I talked with him recently and he isn't sure what he wants next in life. I'll be moving to a new city soon, and he said that things would really need to change between he and my mom for him to stay in that relationship.
My real problem is that I pretty much completely understand where he is coming from and why he wants this. My mom isnt the easiest person to live with... but at the same time, I know what he did was wrong and I don't want to take his "side" on this. My mom is not doing well with the whole situation.
How can I be comforting to her while also being understanding to my dad?
I know this isn't a unique situation, so I was hoping you all could shed some light on things.
Thanks!
Time will clarify things for all. The "death" of a marriage will run the course of all grieving parties, for whatever reason.
I feel the real mistake your dad made was by choosing to bring in the other party into his family. Would it have been different had he chose to leave your mother prior to his having an affair? Nobody is perfect in a relationship. They must have a reason for drifting apart, but it seems to me that it would have been better to get out of a relationship prior to committing adultry just because someone might be hard to live with.
Either way, parents certainly change who their children are when they make the choices they make, regardless of the reason. Being of your age, I would certainly let them know how their actions have affected you. Let the "blame" fall where it may. Time will tell who is devoted to whom, in easy times as in hard times. This is called LIFE. You deserve an explanation regardless of your age. You are still their son. Families stick together and try to help one another during times like these. It may be easier to duck out on both of them, but they each need you in their own way. Don't try to imagine what each one is thinking and why. I feel it's better to learn from each, and be honest. Gosh, if you are uncomfortable talking with your parents, what is your life going to be? Maybe they need your insight. Good luck.
I think this is your Mom and Dad's relationship and has nothing to do with you. There is no reason for you to take anyone's side. Your parents should understand this and not ask you to take sides.
anyone have any tips for the holidays? they are still living together, but have both seen lawyers and are planning on initiating the divorce process in january... i havent been with both of them together since i found out. my dads acting like nothings happened, and my mom said she will be fine and wants to do whatever is easiest for me... she said she can deal with having him around if it's what i want.... is it? or is it best to just keep them separate now?
You say they're still living together. If they're still getting along okay (it IS possible during a divorce), then I see no reason you couldn't celebrate the holiday with both of them together. It might be wise to talk with each separately ahead of time to make sure you don't end up in the middle of a squabble.
Don't judge either one. You shouldn't judge a person's life for one error in judgement, assuming it was an error. You don't know all the details and never will. Just continue to love each of them. They both need your love and support at this difficult time in their lives.
I've been the "bad guy" in a divorce. My wife was quick to let our kids know that, and I wasn't about to place any blame on her in defense. In reality, I was certainly no more at fault for the split than was their mother. They both wanted to hear my side of it, but all I said was, we just weren't getting along well enough to stay together for the rest of our lives. That was the truth and all they need to know. We all get along well now, and the divorce was good for their mother as well as for me.
Jake stop being a cry baby. You have no business having any emotions or feelings whatsoever over your parent's issues. Stay out of it. Now stop your crying.
My parents stopped loving each other when I was a kid but they stayed together for financial reasons. I got over it and realized people can't really love for long periods of time. You are an adult so stop it now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jake786
anyone have any tips for the holidays? they are still living together, but have both seen lawyers and are planning on initiating the divorce process in january... i havent been with both of them together since i found out. my dads acting like nothings happened, and my mom said she will be fine and wants to do whatever is easiest for me... she said she can deal with having him around if it's what i want.... is it? or is it best to just keep them separate now?
anyone have any tips for the holidays? they are still living together, but have both seen lawyers and are planning on initiating the divorce process in january... i havent been with both of them together since i found out. my dads acting like nothings happened, and my mom said she will be fine and wants to do whatever is easiest for me... she said she can deal with having him around if it's what i want.... is it? or is it best to just keep them separate now?
I guess it depends on how important attempting to continue old traditions is to you.
The fact is your lives have changed now and how you spent the holidays before is not how you will ever be spending them again.
The situation with their marriage means that you will have to redefine how you go about all these things. Holidays and the important milestones in your life. It's understandable they may be angry and not communicating well with each other at the moment and the only way that will fix is with time and a genuine effort on the part of all parties to keep themselves civil.
Your parents are ending their marriage, they quite likely will divorce, but whilst they are going to no longer be husband and wife, they will always be your parents. SO it's time for you to step up and say what your expectations are of them as your parents.
It's not ok for them to unload their marriage issues on you.
It's not ok for you to miss out or have to feel divided loyalties due to their actions.
My advice would be to make it crystal clear that you love them both and that you want to spend the holidays with both of them ONLY if they are fully committed to being civil and enjoying the season with you. If they don't think they can cope with that then I suspect that you need to make other arrangements for this year until the sting has worn off the situation a little. Good luck. It can be a minefield in the beginning.
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It can be a minefield in the beginning.
