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Same boat with multiple here that shared this story (36). I've been in a relationship with someone who was fighting depression for many years (36 also), things were fantastic, then work stress came, pressure and the relationship was the first to go after 1.7 years.
I would love to hear some stories down the road, things get better for those left behind? Do they try to reach out after a while of no contact?
It's hard to believe this now while you are still hurting, but it may be the best thing for you in the long run. Hopefully you will eventually have a partner that doesn't suffer from depression. A relationship is so much better with a person that is on an even keel. You may be the kind of person that wants to rescue people. If that's the case, just say no. People need to rescue themselves. Otherwise they will just drag you down with them.
It's hard to believe this now while you are still hurting, but it may be the best thing for you in the long run. Hopefully you will eventually have a partner that doesn't suffer from depression. A relationship is so much better with a person that is on an even keel. You may be the kind of person that wants to rescue people. If that's the case, just say no. People need to rescue themselves. Otherwise they will just drag you down with them.
I agree with this. I wouldn't view it as being left behind but rather she doesn't have the capacity for a healthy relationship when she is struggling so much. She doesn't have much to give to herself, let alone to anyone else.
While it really doesn't feel like it at all right now, it's likely a kindness to both of you to end things. Depression isn't something she's just going to get over one day. She needs to focus on her mental wellbeing and you don't need to linger on the sidelines if or until she sorts herself out.
I agree with this. I wouldn't view it as being left behind but rather she doesn't have the capacity for a healthy relationship when she is struggling so much. She doesn't have much to give to herself, let alone to anyone else.
While it really doesn't feel like it at all right now, it's likely a kindness to both of you to end things. Depression isn't something she's just going to get over one day. She needs to focus on her mental wellbeing and you don't need to linger on the sidelines if or until she sorts herself out.
Cheers.
Don't think she will ever get better.
She is fighting this since she was a kid.
But the story is similar to many, I am just really curious if anyone experienced this and where was he/she in 1 year or 2 years after the breakup.
Take it from someone who's been there, first-time poster: move on. You're hurting right now and hoping they'll come back. Just heal and move on. Don't put your life on hold for this person hoping for something that may never happen, and don't let them keep you on a string (not that it sounds like they are-- you're doing that to yourself). Advice someone gave me once: don't be {their} back-burner {person}. Don't sit around waiting for anyone to come back. Live your life and don't be on their string (whether they know/want it or not). If they ever come back, then if you are free you can decide if you want to be with them again-- but decide that based on who both of you are now (including whether they've healed from what split you up-- if not, it'll likely just happen again) and what/who you want in your life now, not on nostalgia and wishful thinking and a movie-romance sense of "what if."
Another piece of advice I find myself giving on this forum so often that I probably should just make a set document of "things I have to say ad nauseum" so I can just cut-and-paste, is: don't go nuts thinking you need an explanation of "why" it happened. You might never get one, so accept that instead of driving yourself to madness over not knowing.
(I actually thought from the thread title that this was going to be about being the survivor where the other person committed suicide.)
Unfortunately yeah , l can tell the tail first hand.
My partner of around 5yrs sadly now ex , has depression and anxiety right through, both divorced.
lt's nothing to do with rescuing someone you fall in love with the person warts and all simple as that. Nothing in RL is as black and white as the way people talk in forums if it was no one could even be in a relationship or married bc one or the other always or very often anyway has something, would they rather be with perfect but not in love.
You try to except things and hopefully they can get past it and sure yeah you hope you can help too just as you'd expect the same but only bc you fall in love and care for someone it's a very rare thing you don't just throw it away bc it isn't perfect , you hopefully get through things and go on to be happy.
Sadly with my partner things haven't passed though she's even worse. She's tried many things but it's always come back to the same. She's been on off, in and out right through can can't wants us but can't cope as someone said, it's very hard for them to even look after and cope with themselves.
Take it from someone who's been there, first-time poster: move on. You're hurting right now and hoping they'll come back. Just heal and move on. Don't put your life on hold for this person hoping for something that may never happen, and don't let them keep you on a string (not that it sounds like they are-- you're doing that to yourself). Advice someone gave me once: don't be {their} back-burner {person}. Don't sit around waiting for anyone to come back. Live your life and don't be on their string (whether they know/want it or not). If they ever come back, then if you are free you can decide if you want to be with them again-- but decide that based on who both of you are now (including whether they've healed from what split you up-- if not, it'll likely just happen again) and what/who you want in your life now, not on nostalgia and wishful thinking and a movie-romance sense of "what if."
Another piece of advice I find myself giving on this forum so often that I probably should just make a set document of "things I have to say ad nauseum" so I can just cut-and-paste, is: don't go nuts thinking you need an explanation of "why" it happened. You might never get one, so accept that instead of driving yourself to madness over not knowing.
(I actually thought from the thread title that this was going to be about being the survivor where the other person committed suicide.)
Thank you!
I think the answear I am searching is: if it gets better?
Because the initial shock I am feeling is taking it's toll and it's quite hard to swallow because I feel I did my best, I did everything right and I feel I failed.
I started therapy, finally I am doing that.
There is no chance I want her back. Love her with all my heart. But she did this and will most likely do it again.
Same boat with multiple here that shared this story (36). I've been in a relationship with someone who was fighting depression for many years (36 also), things were fantastic, then work stress came, pressure and the relationship was the first to go after 1.7 years.
I would love to hear some stories down the road, things get better for those left behind? Do they try to reach out after a while of no contact?
Hugs
My first wife did not just have depression but paranoid schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder. The advantage of that was, it was clear that it was over and there was no hope. Also no chance of catching them in the right spot in the ebb and flow of something more transient like some forms of depression.
There are plenty of people who are mentally sound and of good character. Don't waste your time trying to save the wounded bird. They can ultimately only save themselves. Even if you manage to in any sense save them, they will eventually resent it because it infantilizes them.
My first wife is still in the mental health system back in Michigan in the form of a Thorazine zombie ... she cleans people's offices for a living and men in white coats are around to make sure she stays on her meds. Is that what she wanted for herself, or what I wanted for her? Nope. But it is a life she is actually capable of living.
It is not a failure on my part or on her part, it is just the luck of the draw. Life is like that. It is not a drama with you in the lead role. It is just a series of things happening whether you like them or not.
Because the initial shock I am feeling is taking it's toll and it's quite hard to swallow because I feel I did my best, I did everything right and I feel I failed.
As per my post just above ... it is not a failure when you do your best. Sometimes your best isn't enough because no amount of anyone's best WOULD be. Some things aren't within your power. Sometimes you could improve based on lessons learned but even there you don't know what you don't know ... you can't change the past.
Your therapist will absolutely agree with what I'm saying (if they're any good).
To whatever extent it might happen that there were things you could have, in hindsight done better ... assuming you are not kidding yourself about that ... then the appropriate response would be to do a post-mortem, learn whatever lessons are there, incorporate that knowledge and do better next time.
Either way what's done is done. You'll be okay, if you allow yourself to be. Don't beat yourself up. No one can legitimately ask you to do anything but your personal best at the time.
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