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Old 11-10-2008, 04:54 AM
 
2 posts, read 14,514 times
Reputation: 15
Default Husband says i dont listen

I try to avoid asking my husband any questions or join him in conversation because often i will ask him something he has apparently told me before, and then snap at me. He will reply with, "Like i said" or "Like i told you before" etc etc etc....Only he finds this irritating, my friends dont even notice.. and when i find they have had to repeat themselves, i will apologise for my bad memory and they will tell me to stop beating myself up!!

I admit, my memory is not the best, but i dont believe i deserve to be spoken to in such a belittling way. (well it feels belittling to me anyway! )thats what I'm battling to define, if i really have a problem or if this is mild verbal abuse. He doesnt shout but says it in an incredibly irritated way. I'm getting a huge complex and it used to hurt me so much. but now it just pisses me off.

Does ANYONE else in the world feel like this??
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Old 11-10-2008, 05:03 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,366 posts, read 14,254,600 times
Reputation: 21718
Yes, this happens to us and I just tell my husband that he has "selective hearing."
Seriously, maybe you should explain to him that you don`t remember him telling you that. He shouldn`t get so upset over it. Let him know that this upsets you.
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Old 11-10-2008, 05:28 AM
 
Location: Incognito
6,987 posts, read 12,706,945 times
Reputation: 5278
I used to have the same problem with the wife until I started to stop what I was doing and give her my undivided attention. Things are way much better now.
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Old 11-10-2008, 06:06 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,183 posts, read 11,209,277 times
Reputation: 49394
Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren... View Post
I try to avoid asking my husband any questions or join him in conversation because often i will ask him something he has apparently told me before, and then snap at me. He will reply with, "Like i said" or "Like i told you before" etc etc etc....Only he finds this irritating, my friends dont even notice.. and when i find they have had to repeat themselves, i will apologise for my bad memory and they will tell me to stop beating myself up!!

I admit, my memory is not the best, but i dont believe i deserve to be spoken to in such a belittling way. (well it feels belittling to me anyway! )thats what I'm battling to define, if i really have a problem or if this is mild verbal abuse. He doesnt shout but says it in an incredibly irritated way. I'm getting a huge complex and it used to hurt me so much. but now it just pisses me off.

Does ANYONE else in the world feel like this??

I can feel for both of you...my husband has a short memory too and I get frustrated on having to repeat things. At one time I got so used to repeating myself I find myself telling or saying the same things twice even when it's not necessary.
I don't belittle him tho...I'm a firm believer in the adage, people only talk to you the way you allow them too.
Tell him that you don't like the way he talks to you about this. Ask him to help you find a remedy.
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Old 11-10-2008, 06:30 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
5,261 posts, read 6,371,047 times
Reputation: 6117
My mom tends to have this problem as well - and while it is annoying, I don't think she deserves the treatment she gets for it. I admitt, I've snapped at her sometimes but I usually wind up feeling really bad about it so I try not to anymore. But other people in our lives don't seem able to tone it down and still get really irritated with her if they have to repeat things to her. They make her feel like she's an idiot for not remembering.

She's taken the approach of apologizing for it with a lot of hurt in her voice, which usually makes them realize they are overreacting and are being intolerant. If someone snaps at her and says "I told you this yesterday!" she sighs like she is hurt and humbly says something like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you so much" - then the person usually feels bad and you can hear the guilt in their voice when they timidly say "Oh... it's okay."

Basically, she's not really apologizing, what she is really saying is "it hurts me when you snap at me for something I can't help and am not intentially doing". And she has an excellent way of getting that message across without actually saying it.

What I try to do now is instead of snapping at her, I say something like "Just so you know, you asked me this a few days ago" but not in a mean spirited way. She usually says "Oh, sorry, remind me again please?" - so I tell her again but without getting annoyed.
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Old 11-10-2008, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Texas
28,117 posts, read 22,906,116 times
Reputation: 33601
From your husband's point of view, it's not just that it's irritating to find out that someone didn't listen to what you said, but it hurts your feelings. Like, "I guess I'm not worth paying attention to when I talk?!" It is not so much the irritation of having to repeat yourself; rather, it's the feeling of disrespect. Like you blew him off when he was talking before, so that's why you didn't hear what he said/remember what he said.

I'm sorry, but this is one of my pet peeves. When my wife talks (and usually when anyone makes an effort to talk to me), I make an effort to pay close attention and respect them that way. I think multitasking when someone is talking to you is another way politeness has been robbed from society.

However, no one is perfect and no one can be expected to remember everything all the time. If you're doing it "all the time," check with yourself. Are you turning him out when he talks? Are you giving him your full attention? Of course, you should expect the same from him.
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Old 11-10-2008, 06:53 AM
 
Location: Naptowne, Alaska
14,872 posts, read 24,713,208 times
Reputation: 13040
WTF? Next time he snaps at you like that...calmly walk into the kitchen...fill a pitcher full of ice cold water...return to the grumpy guy...toss that cold water on him...tell him in a stern voice to chill out...run like hell. Keep the pitcher in your hands...you may need it to defend yourself. Repeat as neccessary. Glad I could help.
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Old 11-10-2008, 06:59 AM
 
Location: Whiteville Tennessee
8,257 posts, read 11,009,610 times
Reputation: 9731
I'm sorry. What did you say again?
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:07 AM
 
2 posts, read 14,514 times
Reputation: 15
Thanks everyone

I have realised both of us are at fault. I should pay more attention and take in more of what i'm told ,and he should calm down!
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Old 11-11-2008, 07:01 PM
 
809 posts, read 1,855,009 times
Reputation: 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
My mom tends to have this problem as well - and while it is annoying, I don't think she deserves the treatment she gets for it. I admitt, I've snapped at her sometimes but I usually wind up feeling really bad about it so I try not to anymore. But other people in our lives don't seem able to tone it down and still get really irritated with her if they have to repeat things to her. They make her feel like she's an idiot for not remembering.

She's taken the approach of apologizing for it with a lot of hurt in her voice, which usually makes them realize they are overreacting and are being intolerant. If someone snaps at her and says "I told you this yesterday!" she sighs like she is hurt and humbly says something like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you so much" - then the person usually feels bad and you can hear the guilt in their voice when they timidly say "Oh... it's okay."

Basically, she's not really apologizing, what she is really saying is "it hurts me when you snap at me for something I can't help and am not intentially doing". And she has an excellent way of getting that message across without actually saying it.

What I try to do now is instead of snapping at her, I say something like "Just so you know, you asked me this a few days ago" but not in a mean spirited way. She usually says "Oh, sorry, remind me again please?" - so I tell her again but without getting annoyed.

That way may work with SOME people..... but some people are utter DUNCES in reading between the lines and reading peoples body language (in other words they DON'T know how to read between the lines) My boyfriend is like that and when I try to do the whole "I'm sorry" all sheepish bit....... he usually gets MORE irritated. So I have to FIRMLY tell him when he is belittling me and let him know it's hurting my feelings and I CAN'T control if I forget something....... he usually realizes he's being a jerk for getting huffy with me and tries harder and harder to fix it....... it all depends on the person. Some people can read between the lines, some can't and NEED you to tell them
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