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Old 11-12-2008, 10:33 AM
 
28 posts, read 184,214 times
Reputation: 27
Red face divorce final!, still love each other, what now?

Well, I quess I am still in love with him and he is with me...wondering if a lot of counseling, both individual and together, can help us fix this relationship and put the family back together again. I would like some input from any of you and your oppinions. I was signed in as bikermom1 before and couldn't retrieve my old password so I am signed up now as nanamom2. You can go back and read my old post if you wish to to get more history on this relationship.

I left accusing him of being abusive and controlling of me and our five adoptive children. Which he was but I am feeling more guilt for my own bad choices and dishoesty to him during our relationship and know that any relationship has to be based on honesty, trust, and mutual respect in order to survive. We were married for 11 years and adopted the five children about 6 years ago. I tried to have his baby after a tubal reversal and my eggs were too old, so we fostered to adopt. He never had any bio children. He has been married 4 times, counting me. I have been married 4 times, 1st marriage lasted for 15 years with four children who are all grown and married, so I have 9 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. Now I am questioning this last divorce and taking resposibility for my own actions during the marriage. I lied about money and spending and paying the bills. Although he gave me all his pay checks, I felt I still had to answer to him for every dime, so I started lying and hiding things. When he found out he would blow up and fuss at me, so I would lie again later, to avoid confrontation with him. I admit, I need help with managing money, even now that I am on my own, with the five children, and couseling will help me. I am trying to budget to do things right and I am sorry for all the lying and deceitfulness that caused a wall to build up there between us in that marriage. I know it caused me a lot of stress that lying can do to a person, and that he felt I would continue the same behaviour after i would apologize and promise to never lie again. Maybe I am trying to take all the blame and I feel sorry for all the pain I caused him because of the divorce and him not getting to be with his children as much. Maybe I am still in denial and he really is controlling and abusive and not able to take any resposibility for his own mistakes, and actions, because he still doesn't own up to anything being his fault in the break down of our marriage of 11 years. He just says how hard he is working to pay off the debt I caused us.

I am missing him and we are talking about what went wrong, and why, and about our feelings, and how we could not communicate. Well, now there is another stumbling block on us trying to reconcile. We split up about a year ago. The divorce was a nasty one and we fought each other with our attorneys over custody of the children. Everything is finished to my favor and I am living in another town now and love where I am. I love my house that I am renting the kids are happy in their new schools and happy living without dad here. I worry if going back would do more damage to them. The oldest two are 12 and 14. The 14 year old really hates his dad and needs counseling and will be getting some soon.
Also, I looked up an old friend who was my second husband, married for seven years, who still loves me and always will. I just wanted to have someone to go dancing with on my off weekends from the kids. Well, we didn't have sex until the divorce was final, and now we just see each other on some weekends. I know I am not in love with this second husband and know that he will do anything for me, so I use him for a lot of honey dos around the house. The kids like him a lot and he spends a lot of time riding bicycles with them and fixing their bikes for them.

Well, now this is what I want to know is a normal reaction from a normal person or man. I was talking with my latest ex, the kids daddy, just last night we had a heart to heart about what went wrong in our marriage and about getting counseling and seeing if we could get things worked out and have a home together again in the future. Not right now, because we have a lot of work to do. I was already thinking in my head that if we went on with this I would have to discontinue any friendship or connection with the second ex. Here is the monkey ranch. He finally asked me if I had been sleeping with the ex whom he knows I have been seeing. I had to be honest and said since the divorce was final, I had a few times. Well, he said I can't do it, can't get back with you because of that. He said he had not slept with any one, and this would be a problem for him. He said he appreciated me being honest with him about it, but it was too soon to bring anyone else into the picture if I still loved him. So I said I understand and he said he had to go and did not want to talk any more. We said good bye. I do not plan on calling him any more. I will let him make the first call back to me and see where he stands. I am hurt a little, but I know it hurts him I was with some one else, but hey, we were split up, getting a divorce, I needed someone to talk to, someone whe believed in me, and really knows me inside, so I chose him to contact.
I am not in love with him, he is too high strung for me, and into history, and memories, which is fine for him. I respect him and it was his choice if he wanted to see me again and take a chance of being hurt again. I did not give him any false hopes, just told him I was getting a divorce and needed a dance partner. Anyway, is this a normal reaction for a man? So now he gives up all hope of getting me and the kids back because I slept with someone else? Maybe it is for the best, for me, and the kids, anyway, because I am feeling so guilty for breaking up our home. I am so vulnerable right now. I better get help and counseling right away.

thanks for any input you may have.
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Old 11-12-2008, 10:41 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
21,124 posts, read 23,926,340 times
Reputation: 21964
Your next to last last sentence hit the nail on the head so go ahead and do it. You've made yourself quite a bed and perpetuating past mistakes is only going to have you going around in the same old circles for the rest of your life - and to the detriment of all those children. Pick yourself up, get a hobby, get a job if you don't have one, go for counseling and start sorting yourself out. You are of no use to anyone else if you can't deal with yourself. Cheers and good luck!
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Old 11-12-2008, 10:41 AM
 
3,485 posts, read 4,949,214 times
Reputation: 3832
Are you for real?

This whole story stinks to high heaven from every angle. It sounds like you are not good at being married and should try avoiding it for a while instead of rushing straight back to a relationship that you just left.
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Old 11-12-2008, 10:47 AM
 
1,814 posts, read 1,898,065 times
Reputation: 219
Quote:
Originally Posted by nanamom2 View Post
Well, I quess I am still in love with him and he is with me...wondering if a lot of counseling, both individual and together, can help us fix this relationship and put the family back together again. I would like some input from any of you and your oppinions. I was signed in as bikermom1 before and couldn't retrieve my old password so I am signed up now as nanamom2. You can go back and read my old post if you wish to to get more history on this relationship.

I left accusing him of being abusive and controlling of me and our five adoptive children. Which he was but I am feeling more guilt for my own bad choices and dishoesty to him during our relationship and know that any relationship has to be based on honesty, trust, and mutual respect in order to survive. We were married for 11 years and adopted the five children about 6 years ago. I tried to have his baby after a tubal reversal and my eggs were too old, so we fostered to adopt. He never had any bio children. He has been married 4 times, counting me. I have been married 4 times, 1st marriage lasted for 15 years with four children who are all grown and married, so I have 9 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. Now I am questioning this last divorce and taking resposibility for my own actions during the marriage. I lied about money and spending and paying the bills. Although he gave me all his pay checks, I felt I still had to answer to him for every dime, so I started lying and hiding things. When he found out he would blow up and fuss at me, so I would lie again later, to avoid confrontation with him. I admit, I need help with managing money, even now that I am on my own, with the five children, and couseling will help me. I am trying to budget to do things right and I am sorry for all the lying and deceitfulness that caused a wall to build up there between us in that marriage. I know it caused me a lot of stress that lying can do to a person, and that he felt I would continue the same behaviour after i would apologize and promise to never lie again. Maybe I am trying to take all the blame and I feel sorry for all the pain I caused him because of the divorce and him not getting to be with his children as much. Maybe I am still in denial and he really is controlling and abusive and not able to take any resposibility for his own mistakes, and actions, because he still doesn't own up to anything being his fault in the break down of our marriage of 11 years. He just says how hard he is working to pay off the debt I caused us.

I am missing him and we are talking about what went wrong, and why, and about our feelings, and how we could not communicate. Well, now there is another stumbling block on us trying to reconcile. We split up about a year ago. The divorce was a nasty one and we fought each other with our attorneys over custody of the children. Everything is finished to my favor and I am living in another town now and love where I am. I love my house that I am renting the kids are happy in their new schools and happy living without dad here. I worry if going back would do more damage to them. The oldest two are 12 and 14. The 14 year old really hates his dad and needs counseling and will be getting some soon.
Also, I looked up an old friend who was my second husband, married for seven years, who still loves me and always will. I just wanted to have someone to go dancing with on my off weekends from the kids. Well, we didn't have sex until the divorce was final, and now we just see each other on some weekends. I know I am not in love with this second husband and know that he will do anything for me, so I use him for a lot of honey dos around the house. The kids like him a lot and he spends a lot of time riding bicycles with them and fixing their bikes for them.

Well, now this is what I want to know is a normal reaction from a normal person or man. I was talking with my latest ex, the kids daddy, just last night we had a heart to heart about what went wrong in our marriage and about getting counseling and seeing if we could get things worked out and have a home together again in the future. Not right now, because we have a lot of work to do. I was already thinking in my head that if we went on with this I would have to discontinue any friendship or connection with the second ex. Here is the monkey ranch. He finally asked me if I had been sleeping with the ex whom he knows I have been seeing. I had to be honest and said since the divorce was final, I had a few times. Well, he said I can't do it, can't get back with you because of that. He said he had not slept with any one, and this would be a problem for him. He said he appreciated me being honest with him about it, but it was too soon to bring anyone else into the picture if I still loved him. So I said I understand and he said he had to go and did not want to talk any more. We said good bye. I do not plan on calling him any more. I will let him make the first call back to me and see where he stands. I am hurt a little, but I know it hurts him I was with some one else, but hey, we were split up, getting a divorce, I needed someone to talk to, someone whe believed in me, and really knows me inside, so I chose him to contact.
I am not in love with him, he is too high strung for me, and into history, and memories, which is fine for him. I respect him and it was his choice if he wanted to see me again and take a chance of being hurt again. I did not give him any false hopes, just told him I was getting a divorce and needed a dance partner. Anyway, is this a normal reaction for a man? So now he gives up all hope of getting me and the kids back because I slept with someone else? Maybe it is for the best, for me, and the kids, anyway, because I am feeling so guilty for breaking up our home. I am so vulnerable right now. I better get help and counseling right away.

thanks for any input you may have.
My brother & SIL are going through the same thing. They are planning on getting married again. The problem with it, is that they still have the same problems that they divorced for. She has a shopping addiction of which I have never witnessed before and he is back drinking again. He had quit for a long time, but she always offered him a drink and have one herself, so off the wagon he went.
I hope things work out for you. My husband and I were separated for a year, and things could not be better, I think we both learned lessons during that year.
Best of luck for you.
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:06 AM
 
28 posts, read 184,214 times
Reputation: 27
Cmon now take it easy on me. I expected some criticism, but I was goood at marriage, just not good at managing the money. I treated him like a king, waited on him hand and foot and he thought it was too much trouble to pick up his own dirty underwear and socks. Anyway, we were in love and had a good relationship for many years. He was controlling, probably does not respect women, and does not like being lied to, about anything. Everything is black and white to him, and I did loose his trust. I don't plan on getting married again to anyone. Just was thinking maybe we could fix what was wrong and get back together for the kids. I Don't know if he can change, but counseling would help us to see if we can work it out. Maybe I am totally wrong about him and the way I interpret him. This is where counseling will help us both in our relationship with each other. I guess I am doing some soul searching and am needing quidance and need to know myself better and build my self up to that stronger woman in me. I need to love me no matter what any one else thinks. I need to be alone and be ok with that.

Definantly am going to get counseling.

Last edited by nanamom2; 11-12-2008 at 11:16 AM..
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Whiteville Tennessee
8,257 posts, read 10,794,257 times
Reputation: 9720
WOW! I honestly dont think you should be married to ANYONE again. EVER! Good luck though!
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:19 AM
 
28 posts, read 184,214 times
Reputation: 27
Ouch, maybe I should just go shoot myself? sorry, I know I am a good person with a good heart, too good for my own good....anyone is lucky to have me! I just need to learn how to manage money and not lie about money!
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:36 AM
 
28 posts, read 184,214 times
Reputation: 27
thank you, that is incouraging. I hope you brother and SIL get some help and eveything works out for them. My family has such a lowwww opinion of my recent ex now, it would be hard getting them all to give us a chance. But when it comes to love and doing what youwant to make yourself happy does their opinions really count and matter?
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,413 posts, read 4,465,474 times
Reputation: 2923
Does the guy you are currently using for sex and honey-do's know that your using him? Or does he really think you guys have a future together?

I ask because to me this is potentially telling: if you are using this guy and leading him on, I see some ongoing big red flags with you regarding honesty, maturity, communication (it would be different if you both know that you are using each other for some temporary companionship and neither side is expecting anything long term). It sounds to me that both you and your most recent ex-husband may be hot-headed, short tempered? I find your story very credible but you strike me as overly moved by feeling and emotions and that may cloud your better judgment (i.e. FOUR marriages???)
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:38 AM
 
Location: Incognito
6,987 posts, read 12,466,832 times
Reputation: 5265
If the divorce is final and you still love each other then, why not get married?
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