Someone's Past (dating, marriage, women, single)

[DennyCrane]

I think most of us have made mistakes in the past that we aren't particularly proud of, things that we hope people won't judge us on or hold against us. Obviously, when you meet someone, you want them to evaluate you based on who you are today, not the person you were 5 or 10 years ago. But when we meet someone and try to learn more about them, naturally we ask about their past to get a better idea of who they are. Too often, people make assumptions or infer too much about a person. For example, you meet a girl in her 20s who's never been married and she's already a single mother. You might conclude that she's irresponsible. Or you meet someone who's been married twice and think to yourself this person isn't cut out for marriage. In those cases, the open-minded person wouldn't hold those things against the person. But suppose you meet someone who says their marriage ended cause they cheated? I would think, for most women, that would be a red flag. The thing I struggle with in the dating scene and being in my 30s is that most of the people I meet have a past. You don't want to judge, but at the same time, it's hard to ignore certain things. Does that mean we're all hypocrites to some degree? We don't want to be judged and yet we judge others.

[JonathanLB]

Well, I suppose so. I mean people can't help but judge other people's actions and character traits. One of the first things I say to a girl is about my past: "Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!"

[mrstewart]

I am not in the dating scene but when I hear a friend is dating someone who has been married a few times before I ask them about it...another red flag would be long bouts of unemployment, jail/prison time, children they do not have contact with, rehab...the normal things that one would have to look into further.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

I think most of us have made mistakes in the past that we aren't particularly proud of, things that we hope people won't judge us on or hold against us. Obviously, when you meet someone, you want them to evaluate you based on who you are today, not the person you were 5 or 10 years ago. But when we meet someone and try to learn more about them, naturally we ask about their past to get a better idea of who they are. Too often, people make assumptions or infer too much about a person. For example, you meet a girl in her 20s who's never been married and she's already a single mother. You might conclude that she's irresponsible. Or you meet someone who's been married twice and think to yourself this person isn't cut out for marriage. In those cases, the open-minded person wouldn't hold those things against the person. But suppose you meet someone who says their marriage ended cause they cheated? I would think, for most women, that would be a red flag. The thing I struggle with in the dating scene and being in my 30s is that most of the people I meet have a past. You don't want to judge, but at the same time, it's hard to ignore certain things. Does that mean we're all hypocrites to some degree? We don't want to be judged and yet we judge others.

Hi Denny,
it's a double edged sword...and hard to know what to think and feel at times...as we age, we become much more selective and rightfully so. I don't believe looking for a compatible candidate is judging, but more so, searching for someone who mentally is a good fit. Meaning, do they possess the same morals fibers and feelings that we do, regarding a healthy relationship. If they don't, it might not be a good fit.

People do change, but only if they've had a large tramatic experience in their lives that wake them up, but the problem is, does one want to chance not only the time involved, but the heart? It is a lifetime investment...

Need-less-to say, Denny, I think it wise to not compromise one's values, morals to have someone in your life...if you do, then you go against your own personal institution...you compromise your identity...

no, I don't think it's judging...but more so, looking for someone compatible, and it's allowed, and should be.

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

I think it wise to not compromise one's values, morals to have someone in your life...if you do, then you go against your own personal institution...you compromise your identity...

no, I don't think it's judging...but more so, looking for someone compatible, and it's allowed, and should be.

I definitely agree that you shouldn't have to compromise who you are and I certainly wasn't suggesting that. But being open-minded, nonjudgmental and giving people the benefit of the doubt are qualities we usually praise. That's a lot better than the opposite. But it can be difficult at times to not let your mind fill in the blanks with the worst thoughts. I mean if you meet someone who says they cheated on their ex-husband, how can you not think to yourself "once a cheater, always a cheater."

[cpg35223]

First thing's first. Everybody has a past. Everybody has things they wish they hadn't done or said.

I think the key is when it happened. If it happened fifteen years ago, then who cares? After all, people learn from their mistakes every day. And people under the age of 30 tend to do and say stupid things almost every waking minute of their lives.

On the other hand, if it happened last month, then that's completely different--particularly if you're dealing with a true adult. For you're dealing with a person who lacks wisdom at this point in his or her life, and they'll force you to deal with whatever boneheaded things they do next. And while the impulse is to be charitable and hope that they've learned from it, what if they don't?

[Lucario]

Originally Posted by JonathanLB

Well, I suppose so. I mean people can't help but judge other people's actions and character traits. One of the first things I say to a girl is about my past: "Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!"

I'm sure that really puts her at ease..............................

[Mr.Cat]

I'd be worry if they didn't have a past.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by Mr.Cat

I'd be worry if they didn't have a past.

True. Perfect people are actually pretty uninteresting. And they're also stressful to hang out with.

[Mr.Cat]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

True. Perfect people are actually pretty uninteresting. And they're also stressful to hang out with.

Thank God nobody's perfect.