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Women always say the most attractive quality in a man is confidence. But I think a lot of guys (and women) have false confidence. They're good-looking, in great shape, and make a ton of money. It's what gives them confidence, but at the same time, they use it as a crutch. If they ever lost their good looks, high-paying job or muscles, their self-esteem would come crashing down. Us men also find confidence attractive. But again, it has to be confidence that comes across as genuine. A woman can act confident cause she's gorgeous, but how many times have we seen the woman lose confidence in herself because she got older and gained a few pounds, got some wrinkles, or started showing gray in her hair? Some women (and men) can remain confident in themselves despite those changes. Now, I'm not saying a person should let themselves go as they get older. But there are some people who remain confident in themselves because they know they can accomplish whatever they put their mind to. Their confidence and self-worth is derived from something much deeper, things that don't really change over time.
I remember meeting a woman at a party one time. She was in her late 30s. So not old, but not really young. Attractive, but not stunningly attractive. She was a teacher so she didn't make a lot of money. She was in good shape, but not someone who looked like she lived at the gym. I'm sure she was thinner in her 20s. She didn't wear much makeup and dressed rather conservatively. But what made her so attractive was that she seemed to have a good sense of who she was. I never got the impression she was trying to impress me or anyone else. She never acted like she had to compete with younger, thinner women. She was intelligent, easy to talk to about a lot of things, and never came across as someone who had emotional issues or didn't like herself. I could tell that she was someone who really liked who she was. It's that kind of confidence that's truly rare. So many people out there try to project confidence, but it's the kind you can see right through.
Well I mean confidence is based on circumstances, I think. I'm muscular, keep myself in good shape and do my best to look good, I am intelligent and have accomplishments to my name for someone of my age, I mean I think I've done well for myself so far with a lot left to accomplish obviously, and I am financially secure. But if I suddenly was out of shape, ugly, lost my money, etc., yeah, you're right, of course I wouldn't have any confidence. As well I shouldn't.
People who are confident but with nothing to back it up, THAT is false confidence, so I think exactly the opposite way. I wasn't confident in my looks in high school because I had no reason to be -- I was a scrawny nerd with acne problems who dressed like a prep. What's to be confident about? I had a realistic appraisal of myself -- not very good looking. Then when I worked my butt off to get in shape, grew up and became better looking, I was confident because I received positive feedback. Good looking girls who would comment on how I looked, getting attention from girls who would formerly have scorned me, etc.
I'm confident in my intelligence because there is a track record, there is proof. A 3.85 in high school top 12.5% of the class and a 3.97 in college, probably about top 2-3% of the class, it's reason to be confident in my intelligence, plus my other intellectual achievements. If I had done poorly in school, I'd be insecure about my intelligence and not confident, it kind of makes sense. I mean confidence, ideally, should be based on reality not based on mere thin air.
And where I'm not confident there is very good reason for it -- I don't have that much confidence as a director yet because I'm still beginning, I learn on every shoot quite a lot, and I need to surround myself with more experienced, better professionals to cover mistakes I might make. I know it, and know my weaknesses, so I try to cover them the best way I can while I'm learning. If I was super confident as a director it would just be cockiness without merit. Who am I to be confident in my directing? I am new, I've only done a few types of projects, done them well and my confidence grows with each shoot, but if I was overly confident it would ruin the quality of my productions. I think my learning would suffer, and I would be less conscious of the need to hire people to surround me with who can watch my back.
JLB, I think what really gives you confidence is the drive you have to do these things and the faith you have in yourself that you can achieve what you put your mind to. You've accomplished a lot and that's something to be proud of. But what about the person who's just starting out? He's in high school. He hasn't achieved the kind of success you have. But he's sure enough of himself that he can. And he projects that confidence. People look at him and think he has a promising future. Because he gives that impression.
But when I talk about false confidence, I'm referring to the people whose self-image is wrapped up in what they've achieved to the point that they can't define themselves any other way or see themselves as worthy without them. These days, there are people on Wall Street committing suicide because of the financial losses they've incurred. The other day, I heard about a worker in silicon valley who killed himself after he was laid off from his job. A lot of people define themselves by their jobs. Take away the average doctor's title and see what he thinks of himself.
I know a guy who's planning to start his own business. No, not Joe the plumber. This guy has never run a business, he's not rich, and he doesn't have a business degree. And yet, he has enough confidence in himself that he'll able to run his own business. Look at someone like Barack Obama. The guy was a first term Senator who had never run a major organization before and yet he was sure that he make a better President than people who had been governors and Senators a lot longer than him. Sometimes, people get confidence just from knowing what they can achieve.
Well, I mean that's a good point. I think a person is more than just a sum of their accomplishments. There is an underlying character and quality about a person that allows them to succeed, and if you stripped them of everything they would still find a way to triumph. It's not just about confidence, though, it's also about ability. I could be fully confident I'd make a great engineer if I really just tried hard, but honestly I don't think that's true, haha. I don't think I have the aptitude to be an engineer, it's just not really my thing. Part of life is figuring out what you are best at. I find it kind of frustrating when people (only online, never happens in person because I'm humble in person, the way I act and conduct myself) sometimes think I'm cocky or think I'm great at everything. That's not true at all, I know for a fact I suck at most things that I could try, but that's why I invest my energy in those things I am good at, because I've found my strengths and am confident in those. I mean I could list off a million things I cannot do, but the few things I can do very well it's only because I've put a huge amount of work into those things and thus gained confidence in them.
To some extent, though, you are right that you need some confidence before achievements. If you don't have confidence you can do something, you may not even try at all. I am not sure that I had any confidence in my ability to be a filmmaker before I came to Los Angeles, but I knew that I was a very hard working guy with an excellent background in film criticism and film history, who had a passion to tell stories and believed strongly this is what I wanted to do. It was still a big IF whether I'd be any good at it, or whether I'd still like it once I learned more. My confidence really only grows as my knowledge and achievements grow.
You are right, though, that you do need faith in yourself, but I think that's often based on past successes. For instance, in the last year and a half, and I'm not proud of this fact at all, I have been very busy and my lifestyle hasn't been up to my standards for healthiness, so I've probably started and stopped a workout routine no less than 6-7 times. So 6-7 times, I've decided to start working out again, and failed to be consistent. What made me try again, three weeks ago, is the knowledge that before this 1.5 year period, I worked out consistently, no significant breaks, and very successfully for 3-4 years. So I know I have it in me, and I tried again, even after failure, after failure, after failure. Because I know ultimately it doesn't make any difference, if the next time I succeed it won't matter whether I worked out regularly for a year and a half or not, I'll be in great shape once again and the past will be a blip on the radar.
But at some point, let's say I keep plugging away at my career, and 2, 3 years from now, I have not succeeded, I haven't gotten a good client base, I haven't found success as a director, or found a good way to make money, at some point that confidence in this pursuit will begin to wane as the results no longer support the idea that this is the best path for me. All I'm saying is that confidence is based on reality and results, and while you may start out with some confidence, failure after failure will eventually destroy that if not met with success eventually...
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Well I guess you're not going to agree with me then--and that's ok--because I've always told my kids and others who don't feel confident, that if they're afraid to do something, if they don't feel confident, fake it til you feel it. I say that because when I was younger I worked for my dad in his restaurant but I was so shy and nervous that when I'd go to people's tables I'd start shaking, visibly. I couldn't take the embarrassment of that anymore so I decided to start pretending I was confident. I shocked myself to find it was actually working. I even started walking different--like someone who knew where they were going. That helped me in cosmetology school a few years later and medical many years later. If I fake confidence, it soon takes me over and becomes real because it's a frame of mind I put myself in. I really got confirmation one day after starting cosmetology when some lawyer came up to me and handed me his card at a restaurant slash nightclub and asked me to call him sometime. Two months later, I thought, what the heck, I'm free and single, let's go out. We went out and he said I had a look of confidence about me that he was really attracted to. That confirmed it for me. I know this wasn't a come-on line because he told me this after I established I had two small children and he made it clear he didn't want any children. I said that's ok, I'm not giving them away and they already have a daddy. Anyway, because of him, I stuck with my fake it theory and it's always worked for me.
I agree with you, they tell us the same thing in Hollywood, I mean you read that in books or hear it in film school, just fake the confidence until you actually have it.
But some people, I include myself in that, aren't able to fake it well. I'm either confident or I'm not, and I have trouble acting like I'm confident if I'm really not at all.
Jonathan, I see this is one of your long posts again, (just kidding, babe!)
but I can relate to what you're saying. I have some issues with confidence myself, not physically, but when it somes to starting a business. I really want to start one because I'm feeling like I'm hitting a wall professionally, I have a great career, but I want something more. But the problem is I feel a lack of confidence to do it. Even though I know I am good at it? I guess it's mostly fear of the unknown, and fear of failure! and even a lack of motivation for me.
Same with exercise, I want to work out and lose a little weight, but my motivation has really tanked lately.
I agree with finding something you are good at and excel at it, you made a bold move by moving and pursuing your filmmaking, congrats on that, I feel like I don't want to leave the security of my current career to pursue a business venture, I think to myself "self, I know I can do that". I just need to actually believe it and put it into action!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JonathanLB
Well, I mean that's a good point. I think a person is more than just a sum of their accomplishments. There is an underlying character and quality about a person that allows them to succeed, and if you stripped them of everything they would still find a way to triumph. It's not just about confidence, though, it's also about ability. I could be fully confident I'd make a great engineer if I really just tried hard, but honestly I don't think that's true, haha. I don't think I have the aptitude to be an engineer, it's just not really my thing. Part of life is figuring out what you are best at. I find it kind of frustrating when people (only online, never happens in person because I'm humble in person, the way I act and conduct myself) sometimes think I'm cocky or think I'm great at everything. That's not true at all, I know for a fact I suck at most things that I could try, but that's why I invest my energy in those things I am good at, because I've found my strengths and am confident in those. I mean I could list off a million things I cannot do, but the few things I can do very well it's only because I've put a huge amount of work into those things and thus gained confidence in them.
To some extent, though, you are right that you need some confidence before achievements. If you don't have confidence you can do something, you may not even try at all. I am not sure that I had any confidence in my ability to be a filmmaker before I came to Los Angeles, but I knew that I was a very hard working guy with an excellent background in film criticism and film history, who had a passion to tell stories and believed strongly this is what I wanted to do. It was still a big IF whether I'd be any good at it, or whether I'd still like it once I learned more. My confidence really only grows as my knowledge and achievements grow.
You are right, though, that you do need faith in yourself, but I think that's often based on past successes. For instance, in the last year and a half, and I'm not proud of this fact at all, I have been very busy and my lifestyle hasn't been up to my standards for healthiness, so I've probably started and stopped a workout routine no less than 6-7 times. So 6-7 times, I've decided to start working out again, and failed to be consistent. What made me try again, three weeks ago, is the knowledge that before this 1.5 year period, I worked out consistently, no significant breaks, and very successfully for 3-4 years. So I know I have it in me, and I tried again, even after failure, after failure, after failure. Because I know ultimately it doesn't make any difference, if the next time I succeed it won't matter whether I worked out regularly for a year and a half or not, I'll be in great shape once again and the past will be a blip on the radar.
But at some point, let's say I keep plugging away at my career, and 2, 3 years from now, I have not succeeded, I haven't gotten a good client base, I haven't found success as a director, or found a good way to make money, at some point that confidence in this pursuit will begin to wane as the results no longer support the idea that this is the best path for me. All I'm saying is that confidence is based on reality and results, and while you may start out with some confidence, failure after failure will eventually destroy that if not met with success eventually...
Jonathan, I see this is one of your long posts again, (just kidding, babe!)
but I can relate to what you're saying. I have some issues with confidence myself, not physically, but when it somes to starting a business. I really want to start one because I'm feeling like I'm hitting a wall professionally, I have a great career, but I want something more. But the problem is I feel a lack of confidence to do it. Even though I know I am good at it? I guess it's mostly fear of the unknown, and fear of failure! and even a lack of motivation for me.
Same with exercise, I want to work out and lose a little weight, but my motivation has really tanked lately.
I agree with finding something you are good at and excel at it, you made a bold move by moving and pursuing your filmmaking, congrats on that, I feel like I don't want to leave the security of my current career to pursue a business venture, I think to myself "self, I know I can do that". I just need to actually believe it and put it into action!
Well... it is a big risk. The thing I think you realize in life, or that I have realized, is that no matter what you want to accomplish that is worthwhile, the odds are against you. Even something as simple as you want to get married and have it last -- 56% against. But I want to be a very successful, working director. I would "settle" for being at least a paid, working union director ($10,000/week pay minimum for DGA directors sounds good to me still!). Let's say that there are 1,000 people who want that same goal, I'm not sure how many are going to succeed, what, maybe a dozen? Maybe 20? The odds are horrible. But whatever I can think of that is worth accomplishing, the odds are against me, so I may as well dive in and give it a go because if I just sit around and only attempt to do things where I basically can't fail, I'll never know what I could have accomplished.
I love Roosevelt's quote on this: "It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
I'd rather fail at doing something great than succeed at doing something mediocre. I'll accept the label of a failure if it comes to that, but at least I will know I gave it my best and I was brave enough to pursue something that was risky but potentially rewarding. That's one reason I enjoy the company of other filmmakers in Los Angeles. Other people see all of these bartenders, waitresses, valet parkers, and think, "God what a bunch of losers, all trying to make it in film, most of them will fail." See that's not how I see it at all! I think, "Wow, what a bunch of courageous people, to believe in their dreams enough to move to Los Angeles and do whatever it takes to pursue what they really love." To me, those people have already proved they are made of something different than the average person. They may not have "made it" yet, but they took the plunge and for that they have gained my respect already.
Starting your own business is scary, I've done it three times now, and I've failed twice already. My first business was in college, I gained a lot of experience, made some money for a bit, but the dot-com collapse and dropping online ad revenue crushed my small business and I had to shutter things up. Basically I would have been making $600 per month and spending $300 to maintain the site, and at that rate $300 per month for the work required was not worth it, especially because before I was making $3,000 per month with not that much work and as my revenue fell I had to work harder, for less, which was just annoying and disheartening. Still, learned a lot from that whole experience.
The main thing with a legitimate business, like my film company now, is the amount of paperwork required to get it going. You can get a business started without too much effort by using a company like Direct Incorporation, but you need to know what you want already. I already know the tax advantages of starting an S-Corporation and so I knew that to do that, I had to first start a C-Corp in California, then file Form 2553 with the IRS to elect to be taxed under subchapter S of the Internal Revenue Service's tax guidelines. Then you have to register with your city so you're not evading local business taxes. Besides that you got business cards, a Website to launch, procedures for your company you should have written up, figuring out what equipment needs to be purchased, how you need to pay people legally (despite this making little sense in some ways, most film employees have to be paid as employees not as independent contractors, so you have to use a payroll company to do your payments if you want to be fully legitimate about it). Then for what I do, you have to know how to get film permits for your shoots, or when you might be able to get around getting a permit (just don't film in Los Angeles County, haha, that's one advice).
Any business has its own difficulties. I spend a lot of time doing paperwork. When I shoot a one-day music video I can generate 150 pages of paperwork easily. Petty cash log, contracts with the band that need to be signed, copy of the lyrics, director's shot list, photo / video / audio releases for everyone on the shoot, copies of receipts from vendors, I-9 and W-9 forms from independent contractors, crew deal memos everyone must sign, etc. Any business now days generates a lot of headaches with paperwork. If you want to go into business for yourself you have to understand fully all of the annoyances that come with it. And at first, I think you work twice as hard for half as much money. But the goal is eventually you want to work half as hard for eight times as much money
Jonathan's intellectualizations, rationalizations, and arrogance will destroy any decent relationship.
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Anyway, because of him, I stuck with my fake it theory and it's always worked for me. 
