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Old 11-18-2008, 05:48 PM
 
3,088 posts, read 5,867,790 times
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I don't get what the fuss is about. He can't have kids. And???
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Old 11-18-2008, 05:53 PM
 
Location: CITY OF ANGELS AND CONSTANT DANGER
5,405 posts, read 7,973,505 times
Reputation: 2175
i dont think its a lie.

the truth is that both parties want children.

the truth is that both parties are still capable of being parents.

if i was with someone who it turned out was barren, i would stick it out. why would my love diminsh? thats a trick of nature(being sterile/barren). what can i do about it?
i would not judge them or alienate them and grill them as to why they never opened up (altho that is a red flag, what else are we unable to communicate about), i would just roll with punches.

it might suck if i was looking forward to seein our own [biological] offspring, but there are other procedures. and there is always adoption.

like i said, my biggest concern is... what else are we NOT talkin about. and why did i even get married if we cant communicate openly.

otherwise, no big deal
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Old 11-18-2008, 06:23 PM
 
25,250 posts, read 27,370,393 times
Reputation: 34488
Quote:
Originally Posted by the one View Post
i dont think its a lie.

the truth is that both parties want children.

the truth is that both parties are still capable of being parents.

if i was with someone who it turned out was barren, i would stick it out. why would my love diminsh? thats a trick of nature(being sterile/barren). what can i do about it?
i would not judge them or alienate them and grill them as to why they never opened up (altho that is a red flag, what else are we unable to communicate about), i would just roll with punches.

it might suck if i was looking forward to seein our own [biological] offspring, but there are other procedures. and there is always adoption.

like i said, my biggest concern is... what else are we NOT talkin about. and why did i even get married if we cant communicate openly.

otherwise, no big deal
Of course it's a lie. Because the subject of kids enters into just about every discussion of marriage plans among young people. So when wife-to-be says, "Golly, I just want to have three kids, and I hope they look just like you," and the husband-to-be just nods dumbly like something out of Johnny Belinda, then he just told a lie. Sure it's a sin of omission as opposed to a sin of commission, but a lie nonetheless.

After all, some people are perfectly content with adopting. Others want their genetic heritage continued and are pretty adamant about it. A woman closing in on 35 probably wants to start trying immediately with the man she's chosen in life, so the last thing she wants to hear is how he can't give her a baby a few months or even years after the ceremony. Some people are totally against artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization--not just from a cost standpoint, either.

So, yeah, withholding knowledge of this issue is tantamount to lying, along the same lines as admitting to $50,000 in credit card debt on the wedding night. In either case, the person with the problem only brings it to his or her spouse's attention once they've reached the Point of No Return, essentially beginning the marriage with a fait accompli. All idealism aside, it destroys trust and complicates something that, for most, is a very important part of married life.
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Old 11-18-2008, 06:44 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,120 posts, read 56,997,117 times
Reputation: 38315
Quote:
Originally Posted by the one View Post
i dont think its a lie.

the truth is that both parties want children.

the truth is that both parties are still capable of being parents.

if i was with someone who it turned out was barren, i would stick it out. why would my love diminsh? thats a trick of nature(being sterile/barren). what can i do about it?
i would not judge them or alienate them and grill them as to why they never opened up (altho that is a red flag, what else are we unable to communicate about), i would just roll with punches.

it might suck if i was looking forward to seein our own [biological] offspring, but there are other procedures. and there is always adoption.

like i said, my biggest concern is... what else are we NOT talkin about. and why did i even get married if we cant communicate openly.

otherwise, no big deal

Withholding the truth is a lie of omission - and lying is always a "big deal". Anyone who doesn't see that needs to find a new moral compass.
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Old 11-18-2008, 06:48 PM
 
25,250 posts, read 27,370,393 times
Reputation: 34488
I think there's a lot of idealism run amok in here. Marriage is about the love between two people without question. At the same time, marriage is a partnership. And if you start out a partnership by withholding important information, you undermine things at the very outset.

What's more, the infantile "I was afraid to tell you argument" is also insulting, for it basically says, "I didn't trust you with the truth about me."

Let me put it this way. All I had to do is give Mrs. CPG a smoldering glance and--BINGO--she was with child. At the same time, if she had told me before the wedding ceremony that she couldn't conceive, I would have married her anyway.
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Old 11-18-2008, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
754 posts, read 943,109 times
Reputation: 685
I totally agree cpg, if you're talking about spending the rest of your life with someone you really need to have a little more trust in the relationship. Also, I would feel incredibly manipulated as well, if I tell you that I want children then you need to tell me upfront you can't/don't want them. It's one thing to tell me and I make the decision to stay but it's another to manipulate me into a legal contract under false pretenses. I'm not against adoption but I don't want the option of natural childbirth "taken" away from me either. That's a terrible position to put the person you supposedly love. I don't think I could get over that, no matter how much I loved him. I would see him as an immature, selfish and a manipulator.
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Old 11-18-2008, 09:45 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
12,172 posts, read 11,041,394 times
Reputation: 14847
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron. View Post
Let's say you married someone that never told you that they could not have children for medical reasons but you mentioned it several times while dating that you wanted children and your new bride/groom agreed that they wanted children also.

Well, you finally found out the truth......( in this order)

You ask them why they lied and never told you and their reponse was: I did not want to lose you. You're the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

What would you do: stay and work it out or go

Ron
I'd get the hell out of there faster than George Bush at a Mensa convention.

What a betrayal. I wouldn't hesitate to hit the road.
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Old 11-18-2008, 10:16 PM
 
Location: Cincinnati via Chicago...Michigan next?
929 posts, read 1,736,852 times
Reputation: 393
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron. View Post
Let's say you married someone that never told you that they could not have children for medical reasons but you mentioned it several times while dating that you wanted children and your new bride/groom agreed that they wanted children also.

Well, you finally found out the truth......( in this order)

You ask them why they lied and never told you and their reponse was: I did not want to lose you. You're the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

What would you do: stay and work it out or go


Ron
whoa! Id feel decieved but I married this person because I wanted to spend my life with them and though I may not get the full dream, the best part of it would be my husband

I dont want to have kids and I would tell whoever straight up before we got too serious, I dont wanna send someone off. I know it would hurt me if that person was my soulmate but why should I have to sacrafice for them? Ill consider foster parenting to meet them half way
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Old 11-18-2008, 10:20 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
6,914 posts, read 9,164,238 times
Reputation: 8997
Quote:
Originally Posted by sportsfangal View Post
yes, "Wyo" but the OP said that it is known she/he couldn't have kids. that's a whole nother story, if it is a "natural" event that either person couldn't have kids, not a secret being kept on purpose.

Oh, I know it's a whole nuther story. Had she not known she couldn't have kids, it would be tough, but divorce wouldn't be considered by many. I just think it was a forgivable lie. If the OP can't forgive it, then he should just divorce her and put it behind him. If he can forgive, he should do so and still put it behind him.

I think every woman with whom I've been in a long-term relationship has lied to me about one thing or another. When I find out I'm disappointed, but I've never pushed it to the point of divorce. Obviously, some lies (secrets) are more disturbing than others, so it's not just the fact that she lied or misled. The fact that she can't have children AND didn't inform him of that fact is the problem.

I think.
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Old 11-18-2008, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Indiana
591 posts, read 934,602 times
Reputation: 411
Lying to someone you love wether a huge lie or a lil ol white lie isn't good I will agree with that but I'd hate to think someone would leave me because my body couldn't produce a child that we both wish it could. I can understand the fear of telling something like that even though I do think it is wrong. When I got with my Mr Country he wanted children. My tubes are tied. We tried 3 ivf cycles and I never got pg..we adopted. He does what me to untie my tubes. At times I want to and there are times I don't. I'm 37 years old, my kids are 20, 17 , 16 and 6. I'm not sure I want to have anymore. So I would hope he wouldn't leave me if I chose not to but I'd understand if he did. I wouldn't like it..would probably pretend I was a sailor for a day or two and tell him all the pretty words I know but I'd understand it even if I didn't like it. I know how having children was important to me and understand how that could make or break a relationship.
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