Ever have an ex finally realize they screwed up big? (marriage, man)

[geekduo]

Ok, it's been over 5 years since I split from my ex-husband because of his abusive behavior. Most of it was due to bipolar disorder that he refused to stay with treatment on and alcohol abuse. I finally gave up giving him second chances to get his act together and got me and the kids away from him.

My life improved almost immediately and I am now married to a man whom I love dearly. Being a bit older and wiser, this time I married a man who had become my best friend and soulmate. My first marriage was when I was just too young and for the wrong reasons. Anyway, the first few years during and after the divorce, my ex went downhill into drugs and more instability. I was always battling with him about custody and child support issues and kept a restraining order on him.

So anyway, the last couple of years he's been finally waking up and working on improving his life. He has gotten on medication and has been keeping a steady job. We are finally able to talk about the kids and act as adults to work out anything that comes up. This has been good for everybody, especially the kids as it makes visitations easier and so on. Lately though, he's been making the phone calls longer and seems to see me as his new best friend when he needs someone to talk to. I'm not entirely comfortable with this. The other day, I traveled to his house to pick up the kids and bring them home. Later, he admitted that he is pretty much kicking himself in the *ss because he still has feelings for me and he knows what he has lost, and seeing me and how good I looked made it really hit home.

I've let him know that I am very happy in my current life and would never consider changing that. Heck, even if I was single, I would never go back to life with him. He put me through too much h*ll and I'll never forget it. Anyway, one of my faults is that I can be way too nice and have a soft heart. I want to stay on good terms because that is best for the kids. I really don't mind being on friendly terms and chit chatting on the phone a little bit. But, there is a fine line between being friendly and being friends. How do you define that boundary? I had thought I was keeping him at a safe distance, but now I'm not quite sure. I don't want to give him the wrong idea, I just want to get along and be able to be partners in parenting our kids.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by geekduo

Ok, it's been over 5 years since I split from my ex-husband because of his abusive behavior. Most of it was due to bipolar disorder that he refused to stay with treatment on and alcohol abuse. I finally gave up giving him second chances to get his act together and got me and the kids away from him.

My life improved almost immediately and I am now married to a man whom I love dearly. Being a bit older and wiser, this time I married a man who had become my best friend and soulmate. My first marriage was when I was just too young and for the wrong reasons. Anyway, the first few years during and after the divorce, my ex went downhill into drugs and more instability. I was always battling with him about custody and child support issues and kept a restraining order on him.

So anyway, the last couple of years he's been finally waking up and working on improving his life. He has gotten on medication and has been keeping a steady job. We are finally able to talk about the kids and act as adults to work out anything that comes up. This has been good for everybody, especially the kids as it makes visitations easier and so on. Lately though, he's been making the phone calls longer and seems to see me as his new best friend when he needs someone to talk to. I'm not entirely comfortable with this. The other day, I traveled to his house to pick up the kids and bring them home. Later, he admitted that he is pretty much kicking himself in the *ss because he still has feelings for me and he knows what he has lost, and seeing me and how good I looked made it really hit home.

I've let him know that I am very happy in my current life and would never consider changing that. Heck, even if I was single, I would never go back to life with him. He put me through too much h*ll and I'll never forget it. Anyway, one of my faults is that I can be way too nice and have a soft heart. I want to stay on good terms because that is best for the kids. I really don't mind being on friendly terms and chit chatting on the phone a little bit. But, there is a fine line between being friendly and being friends. How do you define that boundary? I had thought I was keeping him at a safe distance, but now I'm not quite sure. I don't want to give him the wrong idea, I just want to get along and be able to be partners in parenting our kids.

Well, one thing to do is to restrict your conversations with him to issues regarding your kids ONLY. You can make light small talk to be polite but be careful not to be overly interested in him. Sounds like in the past you've had a problem establishing boundries (too nice and soft hearted when you shouldn't have been) - so be sure to stick to one now, it'll be best for all of you. Good luck!

[At1WithNature]

im not going to lie. that ex was me. but the damage was done and it was too late to kiss and make up one last time...although that is the most fun and the hottest part. it started when i called her by her best friend's name during sex...let's just say that's a no-no!

[geekduo]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Well, one thing to do is to restrict your conversations with him to issues regarding your kids ONLY. You can make light small talk to be polite but be careful not to be overly interested in him. Sounds like in the past you've had a problem establishing boundries (too nice and soft hearted when you shouldn't have been) - so be sure to stick to one now, it'll be best for all of you. Good luck!

Yeah, you're right, I think I need to keep the conversations short. We are moving this week, so I have a good excuse for being too busy to talk for now. It's just been the last couple of weeks where phone calls have gotten a bit too long. I'll have to remember that I just can't be his friend. I think it dredges up too many old emotions for him because he hasn't been able to move on.
I'm just lucky I have a husband who isn't the insecure jealous type. I really hope he is able to move on and form a good relationship with someone new. For some reason, it just makes me uncomfortable that he still has a torch for me. I don't want that. I don't think he expects anything, it just makes things awkward and uncomfortable.

[Driller1]

My X wanted to make up in the three days he had to get out of the USA after I called the INS. Isn't love grand!!!! He is out of here!!!!!!

[Jaxson]

Boundaries must be set and respected but it is also healthy for your children to see a better form of communication between the 2 of you. After all in the beginning there was something that attracted you to your ex. Having children together binds you forever, good & bad, even if it is in separate houses now.

[Mr.Cat]

She realized it when I called my local oldies radio station and dedicated "96 Tears" by ? and The Mysterians. She knew it was over.

[Amy S in PBC]

Yes, he realized he screwed up big when I was telling him I was leaving him for another guy! Then the begging, the crying, etc., started. It was too late!