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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I've been there--bad dating scene, one after another sometimes--but I've always been very analytical, often overly, so I have a tendency to examine myself and my habits to see why things were going wrong. I don't ever recall blaming anyone or anything else. Mainly it came down to me looking in the wrong places or that I really wasn't ready to find anyone even tho' I thought I was. Babble babble babble, I know.
I see more and more people, both male and female, opting out of the dating scene. Yes, even attractive, young, twenty-something hot girls. This is a mistake.
Sometimes, all things considered, opting out of the dating scene is a persons best option. Dating requires a lot of investment, of time, emotions, money and the list goes on. For some people those resources are at a premium so there value goes up, and when compared to the risk vs. potential value of dating the best option is to opt out.
Take single parents for example. In my case, and the case of most single parents I know, we are short on money, time and specifically have less "personal time" with which to emotionally recover from romantic setbacks or heartbreak.
Some of us are able to balance family, self preservation, career, and dating but for the rest of us who can't - dating is the first to go. I know some single parents who place a high value on dating, and it usually doesn't work out well for them or their kids.
When I consider a potential relationship, there are very few benefits that I cannot get from some other interaction in my life. So it's not a matter of complaining, it's a matter of choosing the action that has the best option for me thus taking responsibility for my own happiness.
I didn't realize I had brought that up. Maybe I've written too much today to keep track.
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It does seem like people go out into the dating world feeling like they deserve only the best. They see themselves as attractive, smart, funny, and fun to be with. They think they're a great catch and expect the rest of the world to agree. And when someone dares to disagree, they get angry.
I think it's a matter of fitting with the other person, rather than better or worse. As soon as one differentiates between social value and real value, which I talked about in some other thread in the last week or so, they can recognize that their value may not count with someone else, and just shrug it off.
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I used to be that way when I was younger. But now I just accept that the other person has a better idea of who's right for them than I do. I don't take it personally and I don't find fault in them for passing me over. It's like jobhunting. You could have the greatest resume in the world and feel any employer would be lucky to have you. But if they pass you over and you start badmouthing the company, that says more about you than it does about the company.
Exactly.
Sounds like you got it. I use the job hunting analogy all the time. Bust your butt in one interview--nothing. Phone it in on another--you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, and here comes the offer letter. Most people, myself included, have had to come to terms with the fact that other people's opinions are often formed in spite of us and our attempts to influence them.
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The bargaining stage may be a positive stage, but it can potentially be a bad one. Too often, people who are rejected will try to change themselves, doing it more for others than for themselves. If someone is turned down cause of their appearance and then decides to lose weight just to appeal to someone else, I think that's the worst reason to do it. I work out and try to stay in shape, but I do it for me and only me.
I think the trick is to be the healthiest version of yourself you can be. Hard to go wrong there.
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I'm glad to hear that everything you do is for the good of the relationship. It does feel like too many people approach relationships in terms of what's best for them.
Well, what's good for the relationship is good for me in the long-run. The problem with doing something that's good only for me, is that it only works in the short-term. I'm long-term selfish. I want long-term benefit.
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People learn from experience. But too often, they draw the wrong conclusions.
I'm a big believer that people learn eventually. That's why I'm a Libertarian: let people fall flat on their face, if that's what they want, they won't learn any other way--no babysitting, no bailouts.
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I dated a girl who had a string of bad boyfriends. They lied, cheated, one even dumped her when she was sick. So she came away convinced that all men were jerks and not to be trusted.
I call that the "All Men are Bad" myth, and many women prefer to hold that view than slay their inner demons. You gotta walk from that. She'll learn eventually.
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But what I realized was that she was holding me to a higher standard because she was convinced I would eventually turn out like the others. She'd watch for signs and penalize me for things I hadn't even done yet. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last.
Some women suffering from AMAB syndrome actually create drama so that you'll react and they have justification for dumping you. I call that Victim Priming. They bait you for social violation, and go from there.
That particular woman would rather have a failed relationship with a good guy than think that she is contributing to her own problems. Again, she'll learn eventually.
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I would be very interested in reading some of what you've written online. Can you send me a DM with links?
Most of it is under wraps now with members only login access. I've thought about re-releasing it publicly on my own website (since I technically own it,) but I need to re-edit. It would be a little rough for this crowd.
My true contribution to the relationship zeitgeist was in the realm of online dating. And I peruse the threads here on that subject with great interest. So much so, that I don't want to post in them and alter the conversation taking place--Heisenberg effect, and all that.
I've been there--bad dating scene, one after another sometimes--but I've always been very analytical, often overly, so I have a tendency to examine myself and my habits to see why things were going wrong. I don't ever recall blaming anyone or anything else.
You do know that that is a sign of being a good person, right? Bad people never take personal responsibility. Good people worry that they've done something wrong, even if they know intellectually that they haven't.
Sometimes, all things considered, opting out of the dating scene is a persons best option. Dating requires a lot of investment, of time, emotions, money and the list goes on. For some people those resources are at a premium so there value goes up, and when compared to the risk vs. potential value of dating the best option is to opt out.
Take single parents for example. In my case, and the case of most single parents I know, we are short on money, time and specifically have less "personal time" with which to emotionally recover from romantic setbacks or heartbreak.
Some of us are able to balance family, self preservation, career, and dating but for the rest of us who can't - dating is the first to go. I know some single parents who place a high value on dating, and it usually doesn't work out well for them or their kids.
When I consider a potential relationship, there are very few benefits that I cannot get from some other interaction in my life. So it's not a matter of complaining, it's a matter of choosing the action that has the best option for me thus taking responsibility for my own happiness.
You're right. Mine was a general statement. Yours is an excellent example of an exception.
Sometimes, all things considered, opting out of the dating scene is a persons best option. Dating requires a lot of investment, of time, emotions, money and the list goes on. For some people those resources are at a premium so there value goes up, and when compared to the risk vs. potential value of dating the best option is to opt out.
Take single parents for example. In my case, and the case of most single parents I know, we are short on money, time and specifically have less "personal time" with which to emotionally recover from romantic setbacks or heartbreak.
Some of us are able to balance family, self preservation, career, and dating but for the rest of us who can't - dating is the first to go. I know some single parents who place a high value on dating, and it usually doesn't work out well for them or their kids.
When I consider a potential relationship, there are very few benefits that I cannot get from some other interaction in my life. So it's not a matter of complaining, it's a matter of choosing the action that has the best option for me thus taking responsibility for my own happiness.
That's a great point that many people completely fail to understand. For me, the "cost" of dating, after I split from my ex, far exceeded the possible benefits. I had a young child to raise, and that was my priority, for 7 years. And I've never ever regretted that decision.
Most of it is under wraps now with members only login access. I've thought about re-releasing it publicly on my own website (since I technically own it,) but I need to re-edit. It would be a little rough for this crowd.
My true contribution to the relationship zeitgeist was in the realm of online dating. And I peruse the threads here on that subject with great interest. So much so, that I don't want to post in them and alter the conversation taking place--Heisenberg effect, and all that.
Do you write for The Game's site by any chance? When it was discussed here I looked at their forums. Quite insightful...
Are you nuts? We are in a financial crisis; however, at least you are open to a long term relationship. I personally do not believe in marriage. No way. No how.
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Originally Posted by Black Jack22
I will do everything at this point with a woman but get married at my age of 26. I want to develop my natural abilities and talents like put out jazz and hip hop CDs, get poetry published, write books ect.
People learn from experience. But too often, they draw the wrong conclusions. I dated a girl who had a string of bad boyfriends. They lied, cheated, one even dumped her when she was sick. So she came away convinced that all men were jerks and not to be trusted. I tried to be a good person and prove to her that not all men were like that. But what I realized was that she was holding me to a higher standard because she was convinced I would eventually turn out like the others. She'd watch for signs and penalize me for things I hadn't even done yet. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last.
It's funny all those women that think men are jerks, always end up with, drumroll please, jerks! It's kind of a self fulfilling prophecy.
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When it was discussed here I looked at their forums. Quite insightful...
