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More than likely, a brother-like relationship is the only one she feels comfortable with - with ANY man. Woman who had sexual trauma in childhood are usually frigid.
Consider yourself lucky and move on.
Robert, obviously this comment struck a sour note with you if you're offended to the point of not wanting to go see her. Maybe your male ego has been dented? I understand how you feel; you're taking her comment as code for: "Sleep with him? Not in a million years!" which is deflating, no matter how you look at it. It doesn't matter if you've always been platonic friends, it doesn't matter if it would never cross your mind to change the situation, it is a bit insulting to be told in so many words that you're not attractive enough to spark anything at all in her. Now, please note that she probably didn't mean for her comment to come across that way, so please just let it go, and go visit her. Don't even mention it to her, because then she will think that you're carrying a torch for her and have been for quite some time, and your friendship could suffer because of it.
You have been platonic friends with this woman for years, and now because you have managed to totally twist the meaning of her words (how DID you manage to read THAT into what she said??) you are reevaluating the energy you want to spend on her??
I find this bizarre. If as you claim, you have no romantic interest in her and you are just friends, then why would you consider dumping her as a friend because she paid you what I perceive to be a significant compliment, and you for some odd reason see as a slight to your attractiveness? It seems so..... unfair.
Do your long term friendships mean so little to you that they can be discarded willy nilly for no reason other than your dented pride? Even though she clearly didn't intend to dent your pride, and her misstep is nothing but an odd delusion on your part? Odd. Very odd.
This is a sad story, and kind of confirms the old When Harry Met Sally rule that men and women mostly can't be friends!
You and I have a bad history on this site (I don't think I would resonate with most ultra-liberal Manhattanites) so I'm not surprised you decided to go on a diatribe on ME about "how sad." We have been friends for a long time, I've never been called "like a brother" by her, and I'm now reevaluating the depth and energy I need to expend, given she lives far away. As I've said before: 1) there is previous sexual trauma and I know the details, she rebukes advances from virtually all men, and it kind of tires me to hear these guys get "shot down" when their approach was often innocuous, 2) I would never refer to a female friend as a "sister," it's a friendship, not a familial relationship.
Didn't realize how much mileage this thread would get. I figured about 15 posts. In fact, the pattern that most of the posters have been women and dissed on me is pretty concrete evidence that men and women should not be friends. I've been learning this lately.
More than likely, a brother-like relationship is the only one she feels comfortable with - with ANY man. Woman who had sexual trauma in childhood are usually frigid.
Consider yourself lucky and move on.
That kind of is the case, actually. That's where she operates best.
Huh?? Where did that come from? You're taking women's opinions from a message board, and reaching the conclusion that men and women shouldn't be friends? Your logic escapes me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertpolyglot
In fact, the pattern that most of the posters have been women and dissed on me is pretty concrete evidence that men and women should not be friends. I've been learning this lately.
Huh?? Where did that come from? You're taking women's opinions from a message board, and reaching the conclusion that men and women shouldn't be friends? Your logic escapes me.
No, not that post from up above, but numerous life experiences. Some of them were long-term friendships...grammar school, high school, college...out of the blue, like a rogue wave, something happened that made me question the friendship (and I'm not talking a "brother" comment, but a pretty bad breach of loyalty).
and at this point in time those friends, whom youve known for many many years, seem like a waste of valuable time; time you could spend finding the "one".
friends. platonic friends. and loyalty. i think i get it.
lets say a homeboy of mines from the old neighbor hood called me up and said, "dam the one, i aint seen you in a while? how you been? you know, we only live a short flight away, why dont we meet up. the other day i was telling the kids that youre like a brother to me."
how would i respond? what might seem like an appropriate answer to this oh so dear friend of mine?(whom i have no romantic interest in).
and given your particular time crunch/bio clock.
hmmmm...
i would say, "gee puppet, you are right! it has been a while. it sounds like a good idea to catch up on ol times. lets meet up in atlantic city for a couple days. except you gotta promise to bring your good lookin cuzn along. or have dutchess bring a girlfriend."
if puppet asks why, then as a friend i would be honest and let him know that at this point in life im ready to fnd the "one", so unless hes tryn to facilitate the process, my time is too precious.
with that in mind, the only option in this case would be to fly to atalantic city and tell your platonic friend that you are finally ready to find the "one".
then you pause for a short time. about 5 minutes, maybe 10, and wait to see what she says.
if she says "RP dont be silly, you know youre like a brother to me!"
you can say, "no, i meant that its about time you started introducing me to those succesful girlfriends you are always talkin about. i think im ready to find the one for ME. so be a doll and hook a brotha up!!!
this life is too short to squander valuable time on life long friends.
hurry on up bro and find the "one".
good luck, except that based on the type of friend you are, i dont know how loyal of a partner you would be...
the
balanced
one
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertpolyglot
You have processed all of the nuances without requiring getting graphic or offering too many stories. I will also add that she has relayed numerous complaints over the years of several guys who were acquaintances overstepping the threshhold of propriety, either verbally or with a trivial physical gesture, that really irked her. Believe me, this has registered with me. For me, the dilemma is that I have a long-term friend, and I tend to be incredibly loyal to those I've been friends with for a long-time, and the fact that, as I get older, I have "less time" so any time spent around women I relate to an a platonic level isn't exactly the "best use" of time. It's been a mental balancing act.
Location: from houstoner to bostoner to new yorker to new jerseyite ;)
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I'm confused by your guy logic on this one, and agree with those who think you're overreacting and taking your friend's comment wrong. This is a Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus kind of situation. The woman says and means one thing, and the man hears something totally different. I have to ask, though, and perhaps I missed it, but in the twenty years that you've known each other, did you ever once make a move on her? If not, why are you surprised to find yourself placed in her friend zone?
I've not read every single post in this thread so I hope my comments aren't repeating something someone else has already said - or that I've not got all of the facts...
Having said that, it sounds like the comment helped you to identify your real feelings for her.
After 20 years of friendship, I don't know what you would expect her to say.
But, they say that friends first make the best relationships -- especially when there's been some "trauma" in her past. To me her comment means, she really trusts you and cares about you.
If you're really interested in more from your relationship can I suggest sending a card, or flowers... with a simple note (not some long drawn out letter or intense conversation) that gently introduces your thoughts about possibly taking your relationship to a different level. Sending some flowers and a note from a distance and in a safe place, gives her time to consider her own feelings without any pressure for an immediate response.
It may be that she feels the same about you....
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and wait to see what she says. 
"no, i meant that its about time you started introducing me to those succesful girlfriends you are always talkin about. i think im ready to find the one for ME. 
