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Sorry this is long but I think I just need to vent and hear what people think about my situation. My boyfriend who I was very much in love with and have been with almost three years convinced me to move to his home state near his family after a very long period of time discussing it. I had lived in my current city my entire life and really liked it there but thought it would be good to try living somewhere else too. He also convinced me by using things like a cheaper cost of living and saying we could afford a house there.
I took this move very seriously and told him I wanted to be engaged if we were moving. He said we were then and we just needed to get a ring something that would be on hold until he had a little debt paid off and we were down in our new home.
So, we moved... after several months of planning. He got a job first and that was all it took. I quit my job and came with him and was lucky enough to find a great job fairly quickly. Well after only a few months of living here I felt like he gave threw in the towel on the relationship. I knew I would have a big adjustment and I was very homesick missing my friends and family but I tried to make up for it by coming up with things to do and making my own plans. He started working excessive hours so never hung out and trying to get him to do anything fun or explore our new area was like pulling teeth. We almost bought a house and then at the last minute with no notice to me he cancelled the contract. One day we were shopping for furniture and the next he came home and said he didn't want the house after all. After that things really went downhill.
I really tried my best to give this a chance but he seemed to have no interest in making things work. It really made me wonder why he wanted me to move. I should mention that his family was close to us and that is one reason he thought he wanted to be here but then he hardly spent time with them either. Meanwhile I was missing my friends and family like crazy, I had a great life I left behind and for what?! My new town was very nice and there are things I love here but it didn't make up for the things I miss. I am the kind of person that go anywhere and make the best of it, I love to explore new things but my bf had no interest in any of this. It also seemed like marriage and a wedding was on the backburner with no further discussion.
Finally in the fall I decided to make a trip home and I had such a great time seeing everyone that I decided I probably wanted to move back. In fact I thought my relationship would probably be better too if we had our old lives back with our old friends and activities. I asked him how he felt about it and he said he might want to move back too. We didn't discuss it for awhile and then out of the blue in November he tells me he knows I want to go up there but he doesn't know if he does or not. I decided to use that opprotunity to find out what the heck was up with our relationship since we were coming up on a year having been in our new location. I told him if he was not serious about getting married I should just move back. He said he wanted to think about it and decided to go stay with a friend for a week or two back in our old city.
Well he went up there for three weeks and basically never contacted me the whole time. I was pretty upset and did not expect that, I even tried calling and emailing and he ignored me. He finally came but just to get his stuff and move back up there. He still has not moved all his stuff out but will be getting the rest of this month.
What I think is nuts is that he could not even talk to me about it, he finally did a little but nothing satisfying, and to move back up there? He convinced me to move here and now I am going through a break up and absolutley isolated without a single friend. I work from home so it's lonely and hard to meet people.
Well I am moving back too, I own a home up there I was renting out and I had already planned to move back but I just think its so f'ed up that he went there and left me here. He is even lying to his family about it all because they would be so upset.
How do I deal with the anger and of course the sadness that comes from my break up. I am alone in our apartment and it just sucks! I can't wait to move home at least that will some comfort. Meanwhile I am sad things didn't work out here in the new place but he doesn't seem to care or miss a thing, it's really quite strange. I guess he was not ready to commit.
I hate hearing these stories!It breaks my heart and I feel for you. I definitely think he got "commitment phobic"............and ran. It's better now to know than if you get married to him!
If he is going to "bolt" if you have any problems or issues, do you think it would change if you got married? I think not, unfortunately. Who wants someone who is going to run at anything on his plate. Sounds like he is a bit immature, to say the least.
My mom once told me "love is blind", marriage is an eye opener! (in a case like yours, say, if it went to marriage)
I wish you all the best. I moved 400 miles away to be with my "fiance' and it was quite an adjustment at first as I lived in one place all of my life *except one other state!* and it was hard moving away from my friends!
Make yourself busy if you can...Maybe go the gym, get involved in a new hobby? keep busy, I had some bad breakups and kept busy and it helped.........
He's living in protracted adolescence, wanting everything to be easy and handed to him. Good for you that you have a good head on your shoulders and did not pull up, sell up, and completely relocate. You tried the situation, and it didn't work. And, you saved yourself and your house from any potential claims if it came to a divorce. In essence, he abandoned you rather than work on the relationship and its current issues, and if he did it once, he's likely to repeat the pattern if you were to continue. Abandonment in work, sports, etc. can be just as destructive as loss of physical presence.
Focus on your move back home, plan some changes to your house if you want to repaint, redecorate. You're entering a new phase in your life without excess baggage, but you have learned from this relationship. And, I am sorry that it ended, since breakups are never easy, but they're much easier than living with a relationship that is so fundamentally flawed that it's beyond confining. You have nobody to answer to, but yourself, and you can find a healthy relationship when you're back home.
How do I deal with the anger and of course the sadness that comes from my break up. I am alone in our apartment and it just sucks! I can't wait to move home at least that will some comfort. Meanwhile I am sad things didn't work out here in the new place but he doesn't seem to care or miss a thing, it's really quite strange. I guess he was not ready to commit.
Suck it up, cupcake. You made your choices, now figure out how to rectify the mistakes. We've all had bad relationships, and a lot of us have been used by users. You deal with it and move on. Make a plan for the next year or two of your life, figure out what you want, and figure out how to go about getting it. Forget the loser, and concentrate on yourself. Better to find out how he is before you married him, than after getting hitched and having a couple kids.
this might be a time to make your own path. if you already have a home then you know that you have somewhere to go back to if you really need to. i suggest you make a new successful life in your new city. hes weak for not being able to communicate. he is a sad individual for not trying to work things out. he is pitiful for leaving you high and dry.
you will do better without him. learn to be on your own. even in a new place. what might have stopped you from making friends was him. i suggest you join a running group. a yoga class. a book circle. get a dog. go bowling. go speed dating. why do you want to go somewhere that his person is. i suggest you take the cues and be happy for yourself. without him.
above all, dont get back with him. he sounds like a serious loser.
So sorry about your situation, but it sounds like he was a creep anyway to do that to you. I wonder if some guys want to "test" us and see if we will drop everything and move with them, and then they break up? I don't know why guys do that. If he wanted to break up, he could have just sat you down and talked to you about it, but he chose to let you uproot yourself and move, what a &@&@!! Thank goodness you still have your home, that was the smartest thing you could have done!! It will be tough, but the anger you feel that he is doing this should override any sadness or emotion you had for him!
Good riddance to him, hurry and pack your s**t and get out of there!! you deserve better, and DON'T let him talk you into staying or trying to make it work, he has burned his bridge with you!!
Good luck!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JLK706
Hi,
Sorry this is long but I think I just need to vent and hear what people think about my situation. My boyfriend who I was very much in love with and have been with almost three years convinced me to move to his home state near his family after a very long period of time discussing it. I had lived in my current city my entire life and really liked it there but thought it would be good to try living somewhere else too. He also convinced me by using things like a cheaper cost of living and saying we could afford a house there.
I took this move very seriously and told him I wanted to be engaged if we were moving. He said we were then and we just needed to get a ring something that would be on hold until he had a little debt paid off and we were down in our new home.
So, we moved... after several months of planning. He got a job first and that was all it took. I quit my job and came with him and was lucky enough to find a great job fairly quickly. Well after only a few months of living here I felt like he gave threw in the towel on the relationship. I knew I would have a big adjustment and I was very homesick missing my friends and family but I tried to make up for it by coming up with things to do and making my own plans. He started working excessive hours so never hung out and trying to get him to do anything fun or explore our new area was like pulling teeth. We almost bought a house and then at the last minute with no notice to me he cancelled the contract. One day we were shopping for furniture and the next he came home and said he didn't want the house after all. After that things really went downhill.
I really tried my best to give this a chance but he seemed to have no interest in making things work. It really made me wonder why he wanted me to move. I should mention that his family was close to us and that is one reason he thought he wanted to be here but then he hardly spent time with them either. Meanwhile I was missing my friends and family like crazy, I had a great life I left behind and for what?! My new town was very nice and there are things I love here but it didn't make up for the things I miss. I am the kind of person that go anywhere and make the best of it, I love to explore new things but my bf had no interest in any of this. It also seemed like marriage and a wedding was on the backburner with no further discussion.
Finally in the fall I decided to make a trip home and I had such a great time seeing everyone that I decided I probably wanted to move back. In fact I thought my relationship would probably be better too if we had our old lives back with our old friends and activities. I asked him how he felt about it and he said he might want to move back too. We didn't discuss it for awhile and then out of the blue in November he tells me he knows I want to go up there but he doesn't know if he does or not. I decided to use that opprotunity to find out what the heck was up with our relationship since we were coming up on a year having been in our new location. I told him if he was not serious about getting married I should just move back. He said he wanted to think about it and decided to go stay with a friend for a week or two back in our old city.
Well he went up there for three weeks and basically never contacted me the whole time. I was pretty upset and did not expect that, I even tried calling and emailing and he ignored me. He finally came but just to get his stuff and move back up there. He still has not moved all his stuff out but will be getting the rest of this month.
What I think is nuts is that he could not even talk to me about it, he finally did a little but nothing satisfying, and to move back up there? He convinced me to move here and now I am going through a break up and absolutley isolated without a single friend. I work from home so it's lonely and hard to meet people.
Well I am moving back too, I own a home up there I was renting out and I had already planned to move back but I just think its so f'ed up that he went there and left me here. He is even lying to his family about it all because they would be so upset.
How do I deal with the anger and of course the sadness that comes from my break up. I am alone in our apartment and it just sucks! I can't wait to move home at least that will some comfort. Meanwhile I am sad things didn't work out here in the new place but he doesn't seem to care or miss a thing, it's really quite strange. I guess he was not ready to commit.
He didn't care, so you shouldn't either. The guy sounds like a complete moron and you deserve so much better than that. Pick yourself up, brush off the dust, move forward and don't look back. And never, ever have anything to do with this guy again.
How do I deal with the anger and of course the sadness that comes from my break up. I am alone in our apartment and it just sucks! I can't wait to move home at least that will some comfort. Meanwhile I am sad things didn't work out here in the new place but he doesn't seem to care or miss a thing, it's really quite strange. I guess he was not ready to commit.
You poor thing, that totally sucks. You are obviously what every guy would want. Heck with that jerk. At least now you know.
Based on what you wrote, stay-away from him is the only good option you have! I hesitate to give people the sign of walk-away. I am more into negotiation, compromise and tradeoffs etc. But, in your case, you MUST make the move to leave this guy behind!
this might be a time to make your own path. if you already have a home then you know that you have somewhere to go back to if you really need to. i suggest you make a new successful life in your new city. hes weak for not being able to communicate. he is a sad individual for not trying to work things out. he is pitiful for leaving you high and dry.
you will do better without him. learn to be on your own. even in a new place. what might have stopped you from making friends was him. i suggest you join a running group. a yoga class. a book circle. get a dog. go bowling. go speed dating. why do you want to go somewhere that his person is. i suggest you take the cues and be happy for yourself. without him.
above all, dont get back with him. he sounds like a serious loser.
Thanks everyone, all good suggestions and I am actually doing most of them. I already have a dog and take yoga I have been in constant communication with my friends and family in my old city but there is no way I am staying here and not moving back. My move date is already set. I know it sucks that he is there again, thats the part that makes me mad. It's like he wanted to be here and convinced me and then he ran away to where we came from. Well I am from there born and raised and he is not, he just misses his friends I guess so he went back there. I have a home there and all my family and friends so there is no way I am staying here. I couldn't do it anyway, could not afford to pay my mortgage still and rent here (he was paying the rent).
So while starting a new life seems like it might work for a break up I really miss my old life before we moved and everything got so bad. Back then we were happy so its hard to remember those times and it will be hard to be back in some of our old haunts but trust me its much much worse down here alone.
I know things changed though and I could never get back with him now unless he got some serious therapy. Even then it would be hard.
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I have been in constant communication with my friends and family in my old city but there is no way I am staying here and not moving back. My move date is already set. I know it sucks that he is there again, thats the part that makes me mad. It's like he wanted to be here and convinced me and then he ran away to where we came from. Well I am from there born and raised and he is not, he just misses his friends I guess so he went back there. I have a home there and all my family and friends so there is no way I am staying here. I couldn't do it anyway, could not afford to pay my mortgage still and rent here (he was paying the rent). 
