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Old 12-23-2008, 06:54 AM
 
673 posts, read 2,712,013 times
Reputation: 421

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You probably spend your energy dealing with the abuse and the aftermath instead of nurturing your kids and enjoying your life. That's not right.
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Old 12-23-2008, 07:48 AM
 
Location: West Texas
2,449 posts, read 5,935,473 times
Reputation: 3125
Pam,

I'm jumping into this a little late, and will probably only reiterate what others have said... but you really have to stop justifying or enabling his behavior.

The guy is a jerk and should have probably been arrested a LONG time ago. You said he's not physically abusive, but then say he bumps you in passing, and head butted you once. NO man should ever do that to a woman unless she's trying to mug him in an alley. You deserve a hell of a lot better.

Without just regurgitating what others have said... I will say this. Stop worrying about what the future holds for you as far as relationships. Your relationship with your kids, as well as your and their well-being is at stake. I'd rather be alone with my kids (which I was for a while) than in a relationship that's not healthy for anyone.

You don't want your kids either imitating that behavior when they get older, nor thinking it's okay to accept those behaviors from another. And that's what I'm afraid will most likely happen if you stay there.

Take the kids and go. Get the divorce if you have to. Then take time to find yourself... discover who you are and what you like now. Once you discover yourself and are happy with yourself, then you'll find the relationships will line up accordingly (or not at all... and that could be okay too).

Good luck!
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Old 12-23-2008, 07:59 AM
 
Location: San Clemente, CA
13 posts, read 36,017 times
Reputation: 30
Thanks for all your advice - truly truly. I don't have any friends or family here (just moved to the boston area 6 months ago, for his job. He moved us from L.A. to D.C. to Philadelphia now to boston area - in 7 years - and I feel like I have post-traumatic stress disorder from these moves!!). And the people in my area are cold as ice. I really have no one to talk to here, and my old friends and sister are sick of hearing me talk about it. So I really really appreciate your input - even the ones that are less than kind.

The only thing I don't get is the stuff about "parameters" and the "filtering." I've just been honest about my situation. I hope no one expects me to just jump and do something immediately because of your opinions. While I've been thinking of all your advice nonstop, this is a very important decision that I must make after a lot of prayer, soul searching, thinking, etc..... But your opinions matter alot because when you're in the trees, it's almost impossible to see the forest. So thanks for your opinions, and keep them coming.

Also, my main thing isn't exactly in "finding another man." It's my long term future in general. And since he's not around much (he's a workaholic), my kids actually have a good, calm life. He kind of does it when they are sleeping, watching tv, etc... mostly. Although when he's around it does create kind of a volatile atmosphere.

The main thing that's hard is that the abuse comes in waves, and when he's being ok I really love him. The good times last long enough to think that maybe we're past it. And right now the kids don't seem to see it, because he usually does it when they're not looking.

Again, thanks for the postings!! It's very cathartic to put this out there, and have people commiserate with you. I feel like I live in a bubble, where the outside is pretty and nice, but the inside is hell. Thanks for letting me bare my private hell.
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Old 12-23-2008, 11:40 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,510,800 times
Reputation: 22472
Quote:
Originally Posted by pam721 View Post
Thanks for all your advice - truly truly. I don't have any friends or family here (just moved to the boston area 6 months ago, for his job. He moved us from L.A. to D.C. to Philadelphia now to boston area - in 7 years - and I feel like I have post-traumatic stress disorder from these moves!!). And the people in my area are cold as ice. I really have no one to talk to here, and my old friends and sister are sick of hearing me talk about it. So I really really appreciate your input - even the ones that are less than kind.

The only thing I don't get is the stuff about "parameters" and the "filtering." I've just been honest about my situation. I hope no one expects me to just jump and do something immediately because of your opinions. While I've been thinking of all your advice nonstop, this is a very important decision that I must make after a lot of prayer, soul searching, thinking, etc..... But your opinions matter alot because when you're in the trees, it's almost impossible to see the forest. So thanks for your opinions, and keep them coming.

Also, my main thing isn't exactly in "finding another man." It's my long term future in general. And since he's not around much (he's a workaholic), my kids actually have a good, calm life. He kind of does it when they are sleeping, watching tv, etc... mostly. Although when he's around it does create kind of a volatile atmosphere.

The main thing that's hard is that the abuse comes in waves, and when he's being ok I really love him. The good times last long enough to think that maybe we're past it. And right now the kids don't seem to see it, because he usually does it when they're not looking.

Again, thanks for the postings!! It's very cathartic to put this out there, and have people commiserate with you. I feel like I live in a bubble, where the outside is pretty and nice, but the inside is hell. Thanks for letting me bare my private hell.

What you might want to do is get something - part time job, classes - that get you out of the house on a regular basis.

In some places people are actually friendly enough but not with strangers, people they just see at stores or whatever. They have to have a reason to connect with you. Then you might have something to talk about apart from the family issues.

My brother's marriage was teetering until she went back to school, found other interests and in the process became more interesting to him, although at first he thought the kids needed her at home. Getting out made her less dependent on him for all her adult conversation and companionship. He felt she nagged, she probably needed someone to talk with, felt isolated. Now sometimes he's the one waiting at home for her to return home.
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Old 12-23-2008, 12:40 PM
 
1,300 posts, read 2,567,671 times
Reputation: 1295
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
Well, to ask for help and then put parameters on the advice is definitely silly...


Perhaps I should say "10 or more." As long it was more than 2 people offering some very good advice.
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Old 12-25-2008, 05:14 PM
 
43 posts, read 82,197 times
Reputation: 18
You don't need to be thinking about another relationship at this point. Need to stick it out for your children. Your husband needs anger management help. This should not happen in front of the children.
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Old 12-30-2008, 06:11 PM
 
616 posts, read 1,159,636 times
Reputation: 382
Quote:
Originally Posted by restorationpromise View Post
You don't need to be thinking about another relationship at this point. Need to stick it out for your children. Your husband needs anger management help. This should not happen in front of the children.


Unfortunately, hardly ever works! And, hanging in for the children is what just might make those children bitter old people in the future. Patterns, this late in life will be hard if not impossible to break. Pam has a big problem and an even bigger decision. Either way, I feel for ya.
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Old 12-30-2008, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,435,945 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by pam721 View Post
Hi all - I need help in a big way. I'm in a very bad marriage. Husband is verbally abusive, can't control his temper, leaves house when even slightly irritated for many hours, curses in front of kids, calls me a b**** at the slightest hint of a disagreement. I can be a little bit of a nag sometimes (what woman isn't), hate it when he spends too much money (he put $8000 on a credit card in about 3 months on ... I'm not really sure on what). But I'm calm and rational, and want to rationally discuss things. My husband basically has tantrums over almost nothing, slamming doors, throwing things, etc. He refuses medication. He's not really physical abusive - will bump into me when passing me, head butted me once, screams in my face "f*** you" - but I'm just dumbfounded because these disagreements are actually very minor. I think he's pissed that he's being challenged or questioned about anything. His mother is extremely passive. He was married before - has son from previous marriage. Enough said.

I'd have left him long ago if not for my 2 kids. So here's the question: What are my chances at ever being remarried as a 44 year old woman (nice looking but not gorgeous, slim body more or less, but I'm interesting and fun and have a lot of good qualities I think, including cheerfully devoting myself 24/7 to my kids and husband, when he's being normal) with a 6 year old daughter and a 4-year-old autistic son who is very difficult but also sweet? I live in the Boston area, if that makes a difference. My father says forget it - stay with my husband as "What normal, successful guy would want to be with you?" (nice, huh) He has a point. I've never had any trouble attracting guys (they seem to like me, for some reason). But - well - I do come with a lot of baggage (namely my son).

Please please tell me what you think!!!
Your chances of remarrying are irrelevent. You need to get out of this situation. Single for the rest of your life is way better than staying in an abusive relationship.
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