Married woman with married man (wife, marriage, women, lover)

[pikachu67]

i just turned 40, have a child and stuck in a loveless and useless marriage for 14 years. 2 years ago, i met a wonderful married man. we hit it off immediately and have so much in common, it is unbelievable. we believe we found our soul mates. we are so much in love and cared about each other sincerely. we were planning to share a life together after we've made our divorces final. unfortunately, although his wife is aware that he is seeing me, his side has been delayed due to his children who are undergoing their final exams in 2 years time. until then, he has no heart to break his family to ensure his children do not suffer the ordeal of divorcing their mom while they are still studying for their exams. we talked about this many times and i had believed him to be sincere and genuine. i do not doubt his love for me is real even to this day. he promised me never to leave me even if his wife refuses to divorce him, he will still live with me in future. i knew we just had to wait.

Recently, we had a big fight where i revealed to the wife the extent of our relationship. it got to him so bad that he broke off with me, there and then without hesitation.

why did he change so suddenly? i told him with this happening, i will still be there for him to wait for him till he settled everything but now he seems to want to go back to the wife instead of wanting me to wait. in other words, he has asked me to leave him for good because he is so confused and cannot bear to put his children in this agony.

what should i do? should i hang on and wait for him or walk away from all this? we had so much going, i cannot imagine life without him. please tell me what to do? has anyone been in a similar situation who can advise me? i would also like to hear success stories on such relationships, not just the negative ones (the ones with bad endings) but good endings or are these relationships just doomed to fail? would appreciate your thoughts.

[Chowhound]

Now, you know that you're gonna get lambasted here don't ya....

[Ivorytickler]

Ouch. You've been used. He never intended to leave his wife and, if he had, probably woudln't have stayed with you. I read, somewhere, that a relationship that begins like this has a 95% failure rate. (I have a friend who just went through this but had already left her husband when she figured out this guy was just using her.)

My suggestion is work on your marriage. Get into counesling. Figure out why you're unhappy. Work things out if you can. If you can't, try to do the least amount of harm to the kids.

Good luck.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by pikachu67

why did he change so suddenly?

Because this is the oldest scam in the book - he'll divorce when <fill in the blank ad nauseam with every excuse>, which would be NEVER! It was gonna be even more interesting had you held your end of the bargain... Thank your lucky stars you didn't and try to make your existing marriage exciting.

[Mr.Cat]

Have you been intimate with this guy? If so, your marriage may still have hope.

[Kazz]

Originally Posted by pikachu67

Recently, we had a big fight where i revealed to the wife the extent of our relationship.

What was the purpose of doing this?

[yankeegirl313]

I will have to say that you should do what he asks, and leave him alone.
If this has been going on for two years, and nothing has changed, its highly unlikely that it will.
I wouldn`t think that it would be an easy task, walking out on your children. I`m assuming that his marriage is useless also, right?
I think that you both need to take a step back, before trying to move forward, especially with kids involved.
Make your decisions separatley about your own marriages. You both probably need to spend some time apart, to make those decisions anyway.
Then...if you decide to get your divorce, fine. If he decides to the do same, its his decision. Then...if you both still feel it may work, take it slowly.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Kazz

What was the purpose of doing this?

Some women resort to this low tactic as an attempt to expedite the divorce of the lover.

[Huckleberry3911948]

i am all for happy hookup but please one at a time. otherwise its the burglar yelling ive been robbed.

[CESpeed]

He didn't change suddenly! He was always ambivalent about your relationship, that's why you had to "wait". I guarantee that when two years had gone by, he would have had another reason for you to wait.

Instead of looking for hope that this man will leave his wife for you, you need to get you together. You are so unhappy that I think you fell in love with the idea of getting away from your present situation and starting your imagined future with this new man. You got so anxious to start your "new life" that you put your relationship on front street, you forced him to make a decision and he did--his wife.

Accept it and move on.