Tough love with an adult... (woman, therapy, older, family)

[mrstewart]

As many of you know my grandmother lives with me and my family. She did not go to live with her children because my father is almost completely deaf from artillery ear and my aunt, is well, a loser.

So Grannie is here, had Lymes Disease this summer, went through physical therapy and was doing great. Well, now she had to start PT again because she refuses to get up and out of her suite. She sits and watched tv. This woman was a book editor and she just prefers to rot.

Her doctor has her on antidepressants which seem to help some. Her PT said we should not request she do her exercises because she needs to do it herself.

Her doctor has instructed us not to take her meals to her but she can come out and eat with the family...well, when we do this, she will stay in there for 2 days at a time and will not eat and then when she comes out she will pretend to fall...we have seen her pretend to fall

Now her PT and doc are telling us to put her in a nursing home...not assisted living, but a nursing home if she is not compliant. She was fired from her PT this morning for non compliance...

Anyone have any tips?? She is such a great lady but very stubborn...I wonder where I get it

[artsyguy]

What is a PT? And have you had a two way discussion with her? Did you set rules with her like you would a child? Schedule activities and quality time with her? Or maybe she flat out doesn't like you and living with you and is being rightfully passive aggressive....

[GloryB]

Maybe she would want to move in with my 19 year old daughter and they could both sit around all day doing absolutely nothing.....waiting for you or I to pay their bills.

Seriously, I have no idea how you would get out of that particular situation unless another family member is willing to take her in or if you can indeed find a nursing home situation that will leave you guilt free.

[mrstewart]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

What is a PT? And have you had a two way discussion with her? Did you set rules with her like you would a child?

PT is short for physical therapist...sorry

We have had very open two way discussion with her. She has no dementia, no illnesses, she is just stubborn.

There are no real rules to make...she is only expected to do her exercises that are assigned by the PT and come out for meals.

When we start to get on her about her lack of committment she does crazy stuff for attention...pretends to fall down, calls my aunt (the one I wanted to send to you!) and tells her I will not let her home health care worker give her a bath, and on and on. When she pretended to fall last week I called the Ambulance and she was giggling and flirting with the men

I don't want her to go into a nursing home but she is painting herself into a corner...she wants to be ill so my aunt will come home but she won't do that. So she chooses to be sedentary and she is becoming harder to care for...

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by mrstewart

As many of you know my grandmother lives with me and my family. She did not go to live with her children because my father is almost completely deaf from artillery ear and my aunt, is well, a loser.

So Grannie is here, had Lymes Disease this summer, went through physical therapy and was doing great. Well, now she had to start PT again because she refuses to get up and out of her suite. She sits and watched tv. This woman was a book editor and she just prefers to rot.

Her doctor has her on antidepressants which seem to help some. Her PT said we should not request she do her exercises because she needs to do it herself.

Her doctor has instructed us not to take her meals to her but she can come out and eat with the family...well, when we do this, she will stay in there for 2 days at a time and will not eat and then when she comes out she will pretend to fall...we have seen her pretend to fall

Now her PT and doc are telling us to put her in a nursing home...not assisted living, but a nursing home if she is not compliant. She was fired from her PT this morning for non compliance...

Anyone have any tips?? She is such a great lady but very stubborn...I wonder where I get it

I think you have to have a serious heart to heart with her - give her a chance to express her frustrations at getting older, that kind of thing. THEN after she has let it all out, you have to very matter of factly tell her that as much as you love her and want her to remain with your family that if she can't take care of herself like a grownup that you'll have to find a facility that can help her to do that. Play hard ball because if you give in to her she'll only get worse.

[msina]

Get her a pet to care for? Perhaps having "someone" she has to care for may give her a reason to get up and do things? This is what worked for my Mum after my Dad passed. She "needed to be needed". Best wishes to you.

[mrstewart]

Originally Posted by GloryB

Maybe she would want to move in with my 19 year old daughter and they could both sit around all day doing absolutely nothing.....waiting for you or I to pay their bills.

Seriously, I have no idea how you would get out of that particular situation unless another family member is willing to take her in or if you can indeed find a nursing home situation that will leave you guilt free.

It is a bad situation...the nursing homes are nasty...just nasty. She cannot pass the basic tests to get into assisted living so that is the only other choice. There is a way to send them to respite care for a week, sort of a scared straight program, and I am thinking about that for a week to open her eyes to what her life could be.

She hardly came out to see my brother who was here from Egypt!

[lovesMountains]

Also, talk to her doctor about considering another anti-depressant. Depression in folks her age is rampant and she might do better with another type or dosage.

[mrstewart]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

I think you have to have a serious heart to heart with her - give her a chance to express her frustrations at getting older, that kind of thing. THEN after she has let it all out, you have to very matter of factly tell her that as much as you love her and want her to remain with your family that if she can't take care of herself like a grownup that you'll have to find a facility that can help her to do that. Play hard ball because if you give in to her she'll only get worse.

When I talk to her and ask her about her goals in the next 6 months she says she sees herself moving back to her home...she knows she can't do that! I also ask her what I can do to make it better and she tells me to just let it "ride out"...that means "leave me alone".

You are giving me the same advice that the doctors, PT and OT have given and I know it is the right thing...I just hate seeing her this way.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by mrstewart

When I talk to her and ask her about her goals in the next 6 months she says she sees herself moving back to her home...she knows she can't do that! I also ask her what I can do to make it better and she tells me to just let it "ride out"...that means "leave me alone".

You are giving me the same advice that the doctors, PT and OT have given and I know it is the right thing...I just hate seeing her this way.

Bless you for having her in your home and trying to do the right thing in the first place. This can be a very frustrating time in any family's life - you want to treat grandma with the respect she deserves but she is acting more and more like a child. Have you looked into any support groups nearby to have folks to talk to in similar situations?