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Old 01-06-2009, 10:26 AM
 
Location: SUNNY AZ
4,589 posts, read 13,141,743 times
Reputation: 1850

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I'm sorry, when you are seriously ill and facing a life or death situation you do not need to waste your energy taking care of other people and their feelings.

Not all parents/relatives know how to be helpful and unobtrusive in these situations and the sick person is better off without them hovering or zapping their energy. THIS IS NOT SELFISH. Have you ever had to fight for YOUR life? Do you know the sheer will power and energy something like that takes? Wanting to recover and to do so as quickly as possible is not selfish OR being a bad "child". Parents who whine about their lack of place would be being childish. Sure, any loving parent would want to be involved but mature, emotionally healthy parents would understand giving the patient what they say they need to deal with all they are going thru.
Cry me a river it takes absolutely no effort what so ever to allow your parents....ya know...the people who gave you life and who raised you....to sit in the waiting room so that they feel better.......rediculous
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Old 01-06-2009, 10:27 AM
 
Location: SUNNY AZ
4,589 posts, read 13,141,743 times
Reputation: 1850
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Brainwashed by society?? Not even sure what that means

I was referring to caretaking of peoples feelings - not actual taking care of someone physically.
Awesome
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Old 01-06-2009, 10:48 AM
 
378 posts, read 770,908 times
Reputation: 327
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I'm sorry, when you are seriously ill and facing a life or death situation you do not need to waste your energy taking care of other people and their feelings.

Not all parents/relatives know how to be helpful and unobtrusive in these situations and the sick person is better off without them hovering or zapping their energy. THIS IS NOT SELFISH. Have you ever had to fight for YOUR life? Do you know the sheer will power and energy something like that takes? Wanting to recover and to do so as quickly as possible is not selfish OR being a bad "child". Parents who whine about their lack of place would be being childish. Sure, any loving parent would want to be involved but mature, emotionally healthy parents would understand giving the patient what they say they need to deal with all they are going thru.
Is there a test for a helpful and unobtrusive parent out there? It's sad that people view others' concern and compassion as waste of their own energy. If she knew her parents would be difficult, then it would've been wiser to keep it confidencial. It was very manipulative to make them worry and then tell them to stay away. This seems like some sort of revenge, a pay back time for real and imaginery past transgressions. Unfortunately when you get sick, people that love you (imperfect as they are!) will want to be there for you. It's a fact of life. Again, she could've minimized their visits; banning them all together seems cruel. Emotionally healthy people have compassion for each other. I don't see any compassion here.
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Old 01-06-2009, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,421,908 times
Reputation: 40197
Quote:
Originally Posted by joyBeing View Post
Is there a test for a helpful and unobtrusive parent out there? It's sad that people view others' concern and compassion as waste of their own energy. If she knew her parents would be difficult, then it would've been wiser to keep it confidencial. It was very manipulative to make them worry and then tell them to stay away. This seems like some sort of revenge, a pay back time for real and imaginery past transgressions. Unfortunately when you get sick, people that love you (imperfect as they are!) will want to be there for you. It's a fact of life. Again, she could've minimized their visits; banning them all together seems cruel. Emotionally healthy people have compassion for each other. I don't see any compassion here.
I think we will just have to agree to disagree

One of the points I am trying to make is that when you are truly in a life and death serious situation you need all your energy to be focused on surviving - expending any energy on compassion for your family members is not always possible or a wise use of that energy. Loving parents would understand that.

Just because a sick person wants to "cacoon" with only one or two support people and exclude the rest of the family does not mean they have any agenda for "revenge" or any kind! They are only focusing on surviving, and that is not selfish.
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Old 01-06-2009, 11:05 AM
 
378 posts, read 770,908 times
Reputation: 327
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I think we will just have to agree to disagree

One of the points I am trying to make is that when you are truly in a life and death serious situation you need all your energy to be focused on surviving - expending any energy on compassion for your family members is not always possible or a wise use of that energy. Loving parents would understand that.

Just because a sick person wants to "cacoon" with only one or two support people and exclude the rest of the family does not mean they have any agenda for "revenge" or any kind! They are only focusing on surviving, and that is not selfish.
You're right! We'll just agree to disagree.
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Old 01-06-2009, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,507 posts, read 9,036,977 times
Reputation: 3360
Quote:
Originally Posted by lola8822 View Post
Cry me a river it takes absolutely no effort what so ever to allow your parents....ya know...the people who gave you life and who raised you....to sit in the waiting room so that they feel better.......rediculous
You've never met my mother...
You think she would just sit quietly in the waiting room? HA!! She wouldn't feel better unless she herself was the full center of attention.
Sorry, but the fact that she decided to give me life and raise me does not entitle her to impose herself on the life I am now making for myself and my family. Yes, she was hurt and offended when I told her not to come see her new grandson for 6 weeks while DH took care of me and we both cared for new DS. My mother was NOT going to help, she would be in the way and it would take more effort than any of us had to have her with us. Ridiculous...I agree....but not on my part, on hers!!

I don't know if the writer to Dear Abby has a similar situation but there are always two sides to a story. Its not right to assume the daughter is selfish and ridiculous and that the parents are the victims.
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Old 01-06-2009, 12:09 PM
 
Location: SUNNY AZ
4,589 posts, read 13,141,743 times
Reputation: 1850
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCyank View Post
You've never met my mother...
You think she would just sit quietly in the waiting room? HA!! She wouldn't feel better unless she herself was the full center of attention.
Sorry, but the fact that she decided to give me life and raise me does not entitle her to impose herself on the life I am now making for myself and my family. Yes, she was hurt and offended when I told her not to come see her new grandson for 6 weeks while DH took care of me and we both cared for new DS. My mother was NOT going to help, she would be in the way and it would take more effort than any of us had to have her with us. Ridiculous...I agree....but not on my part, on hers!!

I don't know if the writer to Dear Abby has a similar situation but there are always two sides to a story. Its not right to assume the daughter is selfish and ridiculous and that the parents are the victims.
I went off of the info that was presented.....sorry but I won't ASSume if that's the case then maybe my thoughts might be different however, given what I read.........sounds pretty lame
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Old 01-06-2009, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,507 posts, read 9,036,977 times
Reputation: 3360
Quote:
Originally Posted by lola8822 View Post
I went off of the info that was presented.....sorry but I won't ASSume if that's the case then maybe my thoughts might be different however, given what I read.........sounds pretty lame
I am sure personal experience has tainted each of our interpretations of the letter to Dear Abby. I think it is the mother who sounds lame....wait until the daughter is feeling well enough (physically and emotionally) to have visitors....what's so unreasonable about that?

If I was really going to assume I would go so far as to say that this mother is VERY controlling and manipulative, to the point of having to write to Dear Abby when she doesn't get her way. She doesn't have a friend to talk or vent to, she has to write to Dear Abby? If I was really going to assume, I would bet that if Dear Abby had sided with the mother the daughter would have gotten a phone call, possibly even sent a newspaper clipping in the mail, pointing out how even Dear Abby thinks she is a horrible and selfish daughter to deny her mother the chance to be at her side. I would think this mother will bring this event up to the daughter (and anyone else who will listen) whenever she thinks she can get some guilt/pity mileage out of it..."Poor me, my daughter didn't want me there at the hospital."


But, I didn't assume, I just figured there are two sides to any story and posted (from personal experience) what the other side might look like.
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Old 01-07-2009, 08:23 AM
 
Location: SUNNY AZ
4,589 posts, read 13,141,743 times
Reputation: 1850
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCyank View Post
I am sure personal experience has tainted each of our interpretations of the letter to Dear Abby. I think it is the mother who sounds lame....wait until the daughter is feeling well enough (physically and emotionally) to have visitors....what's so unreasonable about that?

If I was really going to assume I would go so far as to say that this mother is VERY controlling and manipulative, to the point of having to write to Dear Abby when she doesn't get her way. She doesn't have a friend to talk or vent to, she has to write to Dear Abby? If I was really going to assume, I would bet that if Dear Abby had sided with the mother the daughter would have gotten a phone call, possibly even sent a newspaper clipping in the mail, pointing out how even Dear Abby thinks she is a horrible and selfish daughter to deny her mother the chance to be at her side. I would think this mother will bring this event up to the daughter (and anyone else who will listen) whenever she thinks she can get some guilt/pity mileage out of it..."Poor me, my daughter didn't want me there at the hospital."


But, I didn't assume, I just figured there are two sides to any story and posted (from personal experience) what the other side might look like.
Tainted is exactly where advice goes wrong.... since your assuming....."what if" the daughter is vindictive and looks for ANY reason to hurt her parents?? What if her husband is trying to kill her and that's why she's fighting for her life and her parents know this so they are trying to protect her???? See how stupid it sounds when you ASSume??? Who knows why all i'm saying is that with the info given it doesn't sound logical to not allow your parents the right to sit in the waiting room......seriously
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Old 01-07-2009, 08:27 AM
 
Location: Iowa
918 posts, read 1,633,830 times
Reputation: 373
Quote:
Originally Posted by lola8822 View Post
Tainted is exactly where advice goes wrong.... since your assuming....."what if" the daughter is vindictive and looks for ANY reason to hurt her parents?? What if her husband is trying to kill her and that's why she's fighting for her life and her parents know this so they are trying to protect her???? See how stupid it sounds when you ASSume??? Who knows why all i'm saying is that with the info given it doesn't sound logical to not allow your parents the right to sit in the waiting room......seriously
Still at it I see!

*disappears*
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