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An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation. He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face," the robber asks. There are a few moments silence.
Then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse?
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to give a specimen for a
sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then
with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! He exclaimed "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
A guy is at his 20th wedding anniversary getting drunk and crying, his best friend ask what's the matter, he say's "when I met this woman I wanted to kill her, my lawyer said don't do it ! you'll go to prison for 20 years, his friend say's "so what's up" he says "today... I would be free man"
This was from a newspaper article; it really happened:
A radio station in Ireland was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary but could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan...spelled G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: what sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f*** yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until...
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee...spelled S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: what sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f*** yourself!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk toher, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..'
Two that I heard on "Click and Clack" on NPR this morning, and my favorite joke of all time.
She got her good looks from her father-he's a plastic surgeon.
We were married by a judge-next time I want a jury.
A guy goes into a bar with his dog, orders two beers. Bartender says, no dogs, get out of here. The guy says, but he's a talking dog. If he talks can we stay? Bartender says, if he talks you can stay and both drink for free!
Guy; Hey skippy, what do you call the outside, top part of a house?
Skippy; ROOF,
Guy; Pay up bartender.
A few minutes later he orders another round. Bartender says nope, get out! Guy says, hey I'll get him to say something else.
Guy; Hey skippy, what did it feel like when you sat down on the sandpaper?
Skippy; ROUGH!
Bartender is PO'd but serves them. A half hour later the scene repeats itself but the guy says he'll get skippy to answer a sprots question.
Guy; Hey skippy, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?
Skippy; RUTH!
The bartender grabs them, knocks their heads together and tosses them into the street. They're both sitting there rubbing their heads and Skippy looks at the guy, shrugs his shoulders and says, DiMaggio?
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive
blonde woman from Alabama arrived ..and bet twenty-thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless.'
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, 'Come
on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and
squealed... 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'
Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blonds are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.
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