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Old 01-17-2009, 11:00 AM
431 posts, read 1,462,543 times
Reputation: 311


no you can not work on making your marriage work if you are planning to get out because you whole heart and soul are not into making it work. I would suggest that you get a part time job and get out of the house even if it is just for 8 hours /week just so you have an outlet. seeing someone for therepy may help you to sort your feelings out and may help you unlock a hidden feeling of being in love with your husband. please use divorce as a last resort and try talking to a professional they are there to help.
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Old 01-20-2009, 12:15 PM
305 posts, read 329,246 times
Reputation: 47
cagedbird - Have you and your husband tried counseling together? Does he know that things are this bad?

My husband knew that I was unhappy but he did not think we were on the verge of divorce. We are in counseling now and we have been for over 2 months, but to be quite honest, I don't think it is making that significate of a difference. In spite of that, you really should go, maybe you will find a theripist better than mine.

I am still, confused but I am getting there.
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Old 01-20-2009, 01:27 PM
11,278 posts, read 12,240,307 times
Reputation: 12201
You will be even more unhappy when you leave. There will be days you want to tuck in your children and because they are gone for the weekend you WILL cry. It's not worth it.

Everybody is imperfect and makes mistakes. Your children will see you as a quiter and will resent you for leaving. Even now they can read the body language of you and your mate.

Watched a tape of the Clinton's dancing together and Bill wasn't even looking at her when dancing. Years later he cheated on her. The signs were there.

Don't leave or spend your waking hours thinking of leaving. It will just make you depressed knowing you can't leave for many years. Enjoy the ride while you have someone to share it with.
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Old 06-29-2010, 03:03 PM
17 posts, read 23,531 times
Reputation: 14
"A double-minded man (woman) is unstable in all his ways." It is impossible to try and work things out while planning for a divorce. If you have any doubt, don't go through with the divorce. You are lucky he is still in love with you.
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:44 PM
Location: Westchester County
1,096 posts, read 1,314,526 times
Reputation: 962
I really don't want to pass judgment here, but other than the OP at least one other poster in this forum has admitted that they no longer love their husbands even though their husbands (seem to be) doing the right thing by them. This is a sad new trend in relationships. Should the OP prepare for divorce and work on her marriage? It seems that no matter how much better things get between you and your husband you are just looking for a reason to walk away from this relationship, so no matter what he does to make it better you (seem to) have already determined that you will never be happy with him. If that is true I feel sad for your husband because in the end he will ask "What did I do wrong?" and all he'll get from you is the BS catch-all "Its not you its me" response. I do hope you fall in love with your husband, but understand it won't be based on the book of love YOU wrote. Women want men to love them the way THEY want to not seeing, or being open to the fact that men also have a way of showing that they love their women in their OWN way.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:02 PM
6 posts, read 6,458 times
Reputation: 10
I'm in a similar situation. Love my BF as a friend, we have 2 wonderful kids, but the emotional & physical intimacy just aren't there. He was a "safe" choice for me, and he's a good dad. But we're more like friends & roommates than anything else.
My recent attraction to another man is now shaking up the situation & we are sorting out what our truth is.
I can understand your needing to prepare for whatever outcome is at hand. You can't force yourself to want to work on it. Take each step slowly, and be honest about how you feel. At some point you'll learn more about what you need & why, and how best to proceed.
At least, that's what I hope b/c it's what I'm trying to do.
Personally, I think there's way too much pressure put on people to stay together for life. If we stop growing & being enriched in a relationship, it may be the best thing to move on.
All best to you.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:28 PM
367 posts, read 325,580 times
Reputation: 331
I can totally relate to the OP. My husband and I are currently in counseling. It's hard for me to even visualize being truly in love with my husband. The bottom line, he is who he is and I am who I am - no one is going to change. My job is to figure out how to cope with who he is the best I can (and also learn to deal with my *own* issues/inadequacies).

For the sake of my children, I would like to preserve the marriage!
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:37 PM
Location: Canada
3,432 posts, read 3,142,468 times
Reputation: 2186
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
So, you would destroy your children's lives because you are not "in love"? Well, as guess as long as YOU are happy, that's the important thing. I always think it says a lot when someone says "Oh, by the way, I have a couple of little kids" in the fourth paragraph. It tells me a lot about their priorities.

I think you're way out of line here. If there is no love on her part and she is not happy that unhappiness will be sensed by her children and they will not be happy. I'm not saying she should divorce the guy. I am saying her happiness is very important.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:40 PM
Location: Canada
3,432 posts, read 3,142,468 times
Reputation: 2186
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
Okay, everybody agrees that I'm too harsh. But she didn't say she is totally miserable and at each other's throats like you guys presume, she said she isn't "In Love" anymore.

He is a good, loving husband, but she is willing to stop trying on the chance that she will be happier without him. So, she wants the house (or part of the equity anyway) and I imagine the kids? She thinks she will be happier raising kids alone instead of with a good, loving husband?

I guess my bitterness comes from the fact that there are thousands of women who would trade places with her in a heartbeat. A good, loving man who allows her to stay at home with her kids and supports the family single-handedly?

I know its hard to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, blah blah blah. But on the surface, it seems like she isn't trying hard enough. Maybe get a part time job so she isn't sitting around feeling sorry for herself. I don't know.

Its not right to condemn the poor woman for admitting she doesn't love her husband. Is it fair to her to live a life without any passion just because the guy provides for her and her children. Doesn't she deserve more than this?
I'm not so sure alot of women would jump at the chance to marry someone who they consider a friend/roommate.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:27 PM
Location: UPSTATE SC
1,405 posts, read 2,075,341 times
Reputation: 630
Originally Posted by Capt. Dan View Post
"You cannot simultaniously prevent and prepare for war!"

Albert Einstein
Touche!!!!! so true . . . he's a smart guy that Albert!!!!
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