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A guy will say he wants marriage and children and follow through with house hunting, oohing and ahhing over friends kids and making statements like "I can't wait to have one of my own", and even going engagement ring shopping. Unless the woman calls him out on these actions with a "put up or shut up" ultimatum, she could get strung along like this for YEARS.
Absolutely true. I have a very curious example. It was long time ago. He said he wanted me to have his baby the first time we had sex. Mind you, NOT before! WTH is wrong with people?! Coincidentally, he had a son and in reality he didn't want to have any more children! I don't know what possesses men in bed sometimes... Not that I was on my bright and hurried way of making any babies, but why?! It was very early on... I hadn't expressed any such desire... and he already WAS in my pants!
I think the best thing for you to do is calm down. When I read your post I think my blood pressure went up because I was feeling your stress seriously, you are so afraid of not having a child that you are letting that fear dictate your decisions. If you weren't so desperate for kids would you even be with this guy? I am in the same position you are I'm 36, no kids, just broke off my engagement to a 41 year old with no kids, never married. I broke it off because we were having communication issues. At my age, I have no desire to be someone's baby mama. When I have the little girl that I've already named it will be with the right person because we're both ready. My advice, stop operating from fear of not having kids, look at this guy for who he is and realize you can't change him. Give yourself a time to focus solely on him and the relationship if at the end of this time (2 months/6 months etc) if you want to move forward then have the talk. But you need to see things a little more clearly before you decide to marry or have kids with this guy.
You're right that a lot of guys are not as frank as you are. Some guys will say and do anything to avoid conflict and keep things as they are. Actions can be very deceiving. A guy will say he wants marriage and children and follow through with house hunting, oohing and ahhing over friends kids and making statements like "I can't wait to have one of my own", and even going engagement ring shopping. Unless the woman calls him out on these actions with a "put up or shut up" ultimatum, she could get strung along like this for YEARS.
Hmmm.... I have to say I have seen these type of situations and in every case there have been highly visible warning signs the woman chose to ignore. Especially when the guy is already getting the goods and has no reason to commit further. Sure we'll tell you whatever you want to hear, but all women need to open their eyes a bit further. Sure we might want kids(not with you), an engagement(not with you), a house(not with you). Getting the picture?
Usually from what I have seen if you have to push someone into the corner and force a decision, it is NOT the right long term move. I believe the best relationships have a flow to them.
It's your life and it's up to you to make sure that you are getting what you want out of it. He has the right to not be hassled into marriage and children and you have to right to get married and have children.
Since the two of you have opposite desires then someone is going to have to sacrifice their wants in order to satisfy the other person. Personally, I would never want to be married or have children with a man who has zero desire to have a family life. However, I have always known that I wanted to be a wife and mother so I simply found someone who has similar goals.
Sorry Charlie but all that my job the economy B.S is nothing more than that B.S. If he hasn't figured out a way finance a family by the age of 43 then he never will and you are a moron if you let your last good egg shrivel up and die waiting on his indecisive a$$.
At 43 he has probably been dumped a few times by women who realized that it was time to move on. So he is giving you a line in order to make you stay in limbo for a while longer.
My sister spent 6 years in a similar situation (from 29-35) with a man 15 years her senior who was a confirmed bachelor. Now she is 38 and still single and childless and he is 53 and still single and childless but guess what? Things turned out exactly how HE wanted and she got the short end of the stick cuz that wasn't what SHE wanted.
Don't be a donkey....he told her all of the same things your man is telling you. MOVE the hell on while you still have some eggs.
Interestingly, he dated a woman for 5 years before he met me. They dated long-distance and spent weekends and holidays together. He broke up with her because HE wanted to have kids and by that time, she was too old to have them because she was older than him.
And also, he does have a home base - it's a ranch with cattle in the middle of nowhere. There are more cows than available women where he has lived the last 10 years. As I said earlier, he's very much a loner.
Reading everyone's feedback has been very insightful - even those of you who slap me around a little! I'm still chewing on all the comments...
Interestingly, he dated a woman for 5 years before he met me. They dated long-distance and spent weekends and holidays together. He broke up with her because HE wanted to have kids and by that time, she was too old to have them because she was older than him.
And also, he does have a home base - it's a ranch with cattle in the middle of nowhere. There are more cows than available women where he has lived the last 10 years. As I said earlier, he's very much a loner.
Reading everyone's feedback has been very insightful - even those of you who slap me around a little! I'm still chewing on all the comments...
Well nothing wrong with the ranching life, if that floats your boat.
There are also a lot of people that like their own company. I would say if they are a hermit and just don't have any close relationships with anyone, that would be a concern, otherwise can't see the problem.
Interestingly, he dated a woman for 5 years before he met me. They dated long-distance and spent weekends and holidays together. He broke up with her because HE wanted to have kids and by that time, she was too old to have them because she was older than him.
And also, he does have a home base - it's a ranch with cattle in the middle of nowhere. There are more cows than available women where he has lived the last 10 years. As I said earlier, he's very much a loner.
Reading everyone's feedback has been very insightful - even those of you who slap me around a little! I'm still chewing on all the comments...
I don't know. This guy seems to get into situations SAYING he wants marriage, children, etc., but the situations are conveniently set up so that doesn't happen: long distance relationships, staying in a relationship for 5 years when he knew the woman was too old to have children. Or did she suddenly become too old? Or did his 5 years of dating bleed out her time? Shouldn't you know before 5 years if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone? In the end he broke up with her because she was too old? If that's the case and children were on his radar, why did he date her? He sounds to me like the classic commitmentphobe where there is always an element of the relationship to keep it going but never to the point of commitment, and the fallout or failure of that commitment seems to be the other persons' fault.
(I) have been dating a guy since last March. He moved across the country to be with me and we have been living together since September. He is 43 and has never been married. Living together has been *interesting* - he has spent most of his adult life living in a hotel since he travels a lot for work so living in one city and with someone has been quite an adjustment. He is very much a loner and admits he is having a hard time with changing his lifestyle.
I am worried that he is going to turn out like my ex-husband and drag things out by being indecisive. I don't have a lot of time to have children and feel like I need to make a decision on whether to stay in the relationship. However, I made the mistake of getting engaged to my ex too soon (2 mos after we met) and don't want to make the same mistake twice.
First of all, he is not a "confirmed" bachelor since such men don't get into relationships.
He is either a guy who is trying to save the "pro fees" and if he lives in some jurisdictions, not risk losing his car.
OR
Like many older men he's the complete opposite of the pretty young women who make a decision (usually negative) about men in the first 10 minutes. The fact that your ex suddenly decided that you weren't for him may indicate that your "virtues" aren't immediately apparent - if I can put this softly.
I know a few never married men in this age group and while they aren't too picky, they are experienced enough to know what they don't want:
1) Smokers (at least flushing $5 to $10 thousand a year down the toilet keeps the air clean)
2) women with drama (neuroses, spending problems, issues from past experience with the type of men they aren't, but can be accused of being, etc.)
3) women who don't have it together.
For most such men, its worth the wait to find this out. If they have significant assets, its a necessity.
However, this guy doesn't seem quite right either. Haste likely won't be good for you this time either.
If you met last March you will be reaching your 1 year mark soon. If he does not propse then I say move on. You don't want to waste time with somebody who doesn't really want to settle down when you could be with somebody who wants the same thing you want(a family).
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WTH is wrong with people?!
Coincidentally, he had a son and in reality he didn't want to have any more children!
I don't know what possesses men in bed sometimes... Not that I was on my bright and hurried way of making any babies, but why?!
seriously, you are so afraid of not having a child that you are letting that fear dictate your decisions. If you weren't so desperate for kids would you even be with this guy? I am in the same position you are I'm 36, no kids, just broke off my engagement to a 41 year old with no kids, never married. I broke it off because we were having communication issues. At my age, I have no desire to be someone's baby mama. When I have the little girl that I've already named it will be with the right person because we're both ready. My advice, stop operating from fear of not having kids, look at this guy for who he is and realize you can't change him. Give yourself a time to focus solely on him and the relationship if at the end of this time (2 months/6 months etc) if you want to move forward then have the talk. But you need to see things a little more clearly before you decide to marry or have kids with this guy.
Not a Confirmed Bachelor
