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Old 01-31-2009, 10:23 PM
 
Location: Mid-West Willamette Valley Oregon
113 posts, read 717,767 times
Reputation: 66

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Look.
Being engaged is not the same thing as being married.
Your both about to finish college. She could be looking for security right now, maybe not knowing what might happen after college is done.
I don't know how religious you two are, or how strict your parents are about living together first, but my suggestion is this.

Finish school, get a place together, get engaged and set a date about two years away. Maybe more if you can. Get your careers started. Keep your relationship open, and I don't mean in the "open with anyone" kind of way. Open as to be able to go and do things without each other, with friends instead, and not to get the third degree about going out for drinks, or a show or something. Give each other freedom to grow. That is the most important thing to a successful relationship. Before marriage, and during.

Another suggestion.
Go on a road trip together. For a month or more. Travel by car, or truck and see the country. Camp out in tents, stay in hotels, what ever floats your boat. If you guys can withstand each other for a month or two traveling, with no, or minimal arguments, its meant to be.
That's what happened to me and my girlfriend. We were together 5 years before we got married, in that 5 year time span, we went on a 7 week road trip across the country. Its amazing the topics that will come up while driving, and exploring together. 12 years later, 2 kids, and a very healthy relationship is what evolved out of that 7 week trip. We both know, that was the turning point in our relationship, and a part in my life I will never forget.
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Old 01-31-2009, 10:36 PM
 
9 posts, read 59,422 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by darjoh View Post
Look.
Being engaged is not the same thing as being married.
Your both about to finish college. She could be looking for security right now, maybe not knowing what might happen after college is done.
I don't know how religious you two are, or how strict your parents are about living together first, but my suggestion is this.

Finish school, get a place together, get engaged and set a date about two years away. Maybe more if you can. Get your careers started. Keep your relationship open, and I don't mean in the "open with anyone" kind of way. Open as to be able to go and do things without each other, with friends instead, and not to get the third degree about going out for drinks, or a show or something. Give each other freedom to grow. That is the most important thing to a successful relationship. Before marriage, and during.

Another suggestion.
Go on a road trip together. For a month or more. Travel by car, or truck and see the country. Camp out in tents, stay in hotels, what ever floats your boat. If you guys can withstand each other for a month or two traveling, with no, or minimal arguments, its meant to be.
That's what happened to me and my girlfriend. We were together 5 years before we got married, in that 5 year time span, we went on a 7 week road trip across the country. Its amazing the topics that will come up while driving, and exploring together. 12 years later, 2 kids, and a very healthy relationship is what evolved out of that 7 week trip. We both know, that was the turning point in our relationship, and a part in my life I will never forget.
We have actually lived together since shortly after we started college and have gone on many road trips and camping trips, that is usually when we have the most fun together. Some of our worst fights have also occurred on these trips though.
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:06 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,758 posts, read 40,008,193 times
Reputation: 18033
I think that you could just keep telling her that you love her, but being 21 is way too early in your lives to get married. Reassure her by talking about your common life goals. Discuss where you'd both like to live. Tell her that you'd like to work on your career (as she should work on hers) so that when the time comes, having a married life together won't be a financial struggle. The old fashioned approach to marriage is the guy asking her dad's permission to marry her, and also promising her dad to always take care of her and the future children well. Right now at 21, neither of you are ready for married life. The feelings are there, but not the means. Go for a long engagement, and any time she gets impatient, point out that neither of you are making enough money to do it right. Don't spend too much on the ring. Don't let her get pregnant.

You are at the 4 year mark now. I think that the 5 year mark is where a lot of couples start to struggle with their feelings. That initial crush/lustful infatuation at the beginning of the relationship starts to fade away, but is then hopefully replaced by feelings of the real thing, mature love aka true love. All long term relationships need maintenance and a little effort. At this point, you should also be working to make sure that you both really like each other as friends. Even if the lust for each other is not as intense, that's okay. What really gets a couple to the golden years is having a lot of affection, respect, trust and caring for each other. You both should also have several hobbies and non sexual activities that you enjoy doing together. And hopefully her morals, values and life goals mesh well with yours.
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:24 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,424,020 times
Reputation: 26726
For many different reasons based on what you're saying, my advice is to make a break for it now. Obviously you're unsure and it sounds from what you say that the relationship is in a bit of a rut. Marriage doesn't solve underlying problems in a relationship (viz the extremely high divorce rate) and I'd wager a bet that if you cave in now you'll be divorced within five years. Sorry if that sounds harsh but if this was meant to be, you'd feel (after four years of togetherness) that this would be something you absolutely couldn't NOT do!
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 7,155,178 times
Reputation: 3072
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliveandfree View Post
I tried to 'just walk away' once, but she never let me forget how much it hurt her. I ended up just getting back together with her because the breakup was so bad....We have actually talked about it before, but she just thinks it means that I dont really care about her and am just stringing her along, which is not true at all.
I don't like this. You say "she never let me forget...she just thinks it means that I really don't care." Sounds to me like she is being emotionally manipulative and her nagging, etc suggests real insecurity and/or immaturity on her part. I get the feeling that you are more mature than she is and your reluctance about getting marriage sounds well founded based upon what you have told us (i.e. your feelings are not just "cold feet").

I will concur with others that 21 is still awfully early to get married. If I were in your spot I think I might sit down and tell her that I love her, etc. but I don't want to rush into marriage right out of school and want to wait a 3 or 4 more years until our careers paths are established and we can save up some money (BTW, are either of you thinking about graduate school? Have student loans to pay? Have career path jobs? These things would all come into play in the decision to marry. And you should know that the 20's are often a time of real personal growth and experience for lots of people...the person you are today at 21 may be rather different than who you are at 31).

If she refused this, said she wants to get married now, then I think I would just have to tell her that I can't give her what she wants (i.e. immediate marriage) and that for her own happiness she would probably be happier with someone else.
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:31 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
3,400 posts, read 8,004,231 times
Reputation: 2871
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliveandfree View Post
I tried to 'just walk away' once, but she never let me forget how much it hurt her. I ended up just getting back together with her because the breakup was so bad.

Our relationship is pretty good right now, and I could certainly see getting married someday, but I just have a desire to see what else is out there. We have actually talked about it before, but she just thinks it means that I dont really care about her and am just stringing her along, which is not true at all.
What about just telling her what you've told us? That you're not ready?
The fact that she's pressuring you at all on this subject tells me she's not quite mature herself.
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Sri Lanka
47 posts, read 77,779 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliveandfree View Post
So I have been with a girl for about 4 years now. She is the first person I ever seriously dated. While things are great at times, I am not really sure if this is who I want to be with forever. However, things are good enough that I do not want to lose what I have in case I can not find anything better. She wants to get engaged now, but I have been putting it off.

Any advice?
If you feel like she is your prince Charming , take the decision. Dont miss the bus............................
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:36 AM
 
2,002 posts, read 4,567,416 times
Reputation: 1772
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliveandfree View Post
So I have been with a girl for about 4 years now. She is the first person I ever seriously dated. While things are great at times, I am not really sure if this is who I want to be with forever. However, things are good enough that I do not want to lose what I have in case I can not find anything better. She wants to get engaged now, but I have been putting it off.

Any advice?
Is it against your beliefs to live together for a while? Maybe that's an option. First years are hard but they say a lot.

And listen to your "inner voice". If you are not 100% sure, analize the reasons. Maybe you simply are not ready.
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,302,796 times
Reputation: 40194
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliveandfree View Post
We are both finishing up college. We met during our last year of high school and are now 21.

I know I am not ready to get married, but she takes that to mean that I dont love her and never cared about her like she cares about me.
Back way off - she is too immature to understand what marriage really is if this is what she has told you. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into thinking you MUST propose to "prove" your love.

Be true to YOURSELF - tell her you do love her, but that you know yourself well enough to know you are not ready for marriage AND that you don't see yourself being ready for it for at least another 5 years. Let her prove her love for you by saying that until it is the right decision for BOTH of you, it's not the right decision.
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Old 02-01-2009, 03:07 PM
 
9 posts, read 59,422 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
I don't like this. You say "she never let me forget...she just thinks it means that I really don't care." Sounds to me like she is being emotionally manipulative and her nagging, etc suggests real insecurity and/or immaturity on her part. I get the feeling that you are more mature than she is and your reluctance about getting marriage sounds well founded based upon what you have told us (i.e. your feelings are not just "cold feet").

I will concur with others that 21 is still awfully early to get married. If I were in your spot I think I might sit down and tell her that I love her, etc. but I don't want to rush into marriage right out of school and want to wait a 3 or 4 more years until our careers paths are established and we can save up some money (BTW, are either of you thinking about graduate school? Have student loans to pay? Have career path jobs? These things would all come into play in the decision to marry. And you should know that the 20's are often a time of real personal growth and experience for lots of people...the person you are today at 21 may be rather different than who you are at 31).

If she refused this, said she wants to get married now, then I think I would just have to tell her that I can't give her what she wants (i.e. immediate marriage) and that for her own happiness she would probably be happier with someone else.
You are good. She can be very insecure and manipulative at times.

Neither of us are going to graduate school anytime in the near future. We both have a decent amount of student loans waiting for us after we graduate.

I have been telling her I am not ready for a long time. She actually started talking about getting engaged about 2 weeks into our relationship (wow that sounds bad when I think about it now). She thinks I have been putting it off long enough already. Everybody in her family is engaged right now, and most of her friends are too. I think she really feels left out that her boyfriend has not proposed yet. For me, getting engaged means I am completely committed to this, which I can not honestly say right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Back way off - she is too immature to understand what marriage really is if this is what she has told you. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into thinking you MUST propose to "prove" your love.

Be true to YOURSELF - tell her you do love her, but that you know yourself well enough to know you are not ready for marriage AND that you don't see yourself being ready for it for at least another 5 years. Let her prove her love for you by saying that until it is the right decision for BOTH of you, it's not the right decision.
I do love her, and I tell her I am not ready all the time (see above). I have actually used the 5 year timeframe before, but she thinks that there is something wrong with taking 6-8 years to decide if you want to be with somebody forever. She 'just knew' after our first date.

All of her talk about marriage is actually just pushing me away. When I try to talk about it with her it usually leads to big fights and never gets anywhere. She has her mind made up and is upset that I dont feel the same way.

I have been in this relationship for so long now that it is hard to imagine being with somebody else, but I feel like I need to try in order to know for sure what I want in a marriage. So many things in our relationship are amazing, but other things are less then ideal. I worry if I was with somebody else some of my problems would be solved, but I would just miss many of the things I used to have. But if I dont try, how will I ever know?

I wish I could just take a break from her right now, go on a few dates and try to decide what I want, but it isnt that simple. We are living together now, and are committed to that until we graduate. She is already trying to make plans for after graduation, and freaks out when I tell her I am not sure what I want to do yet. When I tell her I think we should date other people she will start crying about how I dont really love her.
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