How to know if I should get a divorce? (dating, wife, marriage)

[maddog1]

Hello, I have been reading this great book Too Good to Leave, too bad 2 stay by Kirshenbaum (In case you other people unsure about your marriage want a recomendation for a good book 2 help U decide) and although the book is excellent, I just wanted some feedback from live people, we have a few problems. He lost his good job 6 months ago, has since found suitable employment and while unemployed ( I do work BTW) , his behavior improved , I was too focused on paying bills to go back and forth thinking about divorce or not. Problems include in law issues, his dad is a male chauvanist pig, and when he spends time with his family, he looses all respect for me. He has a gambling problem, which , as I stated probably due to his unemployment (and therefor lack of access to $) has improved though he promptly lost $200-$300 (which we certainly cannot afford having gone a little into debt as I could not pay all the bills even with help from his unemployment checks) during his first week at work. Things in the bedroom were never great (he is a bit rough) and though he has also improved in that department, past hurt feelings both in and out of the bedroom make me totally turned off. There are positives but in the long run , financially, his gambling bothers me and I do want to have love and sex like when you first meet someone. I have flirted with a co worker whom I have determined is not interested (though uncertain if it's becasue he knows Im married or just not interested, I would not cheat BTW) and am not too afraid of dating after divorce, looking forward 2 it tough I am 11 years older than when I last was single. What do you guys think? What is it like out there if you get divorced and should I? thank-you for your time.

[Mr.Cat]

How to know if I should get a divorce?


When you come home from work and your wife's lover asks you to borrow a pair of clean underwear.

[Ellwood]

How to know you should get divorced?
When you pull into your driveway and feel sick.

A note on the gambling> A friend of the family was a compulsive gambler, who although they tried to get him help, he bankrupted his mom and left her penniless, borrowed from every person he knew and ended up in jail several times for various attempts at getting money illegally.

Your marriage sounds like it should never happened in the beginning. Only you can determine whether you love this person and want to make a go of it. If your answer is no, get out and get on with your life. Meeting someone and dating should be the last thing on your mind right now.

[Alexus]

Originally Posted by maddog1

Hello, I have been reading this great book Too Good to Leave, too bad 2 stay by Kirshenbaum (In case you other people unsure about your marriage want a recomendation for a good book 2 help U decide) and although the book is excellent, I just wanted some feedback from live people, we have a few problems. He lost his good job 6 months ago, has since found suitable employment and while unemployed ( I do work BTW) , his behavior improved , I was too focused on paying bills to go back and forth thinking about divorce or not. Problems include in law issues, his dad is a male chauvanist pig, and when he spends time with his family, he looses all respect for me. He has a gambling problem, which , as I stated probably due to his unemployment (and therefor lack of access to $) has improved though he promptly lost $200-$300 (which we certainly cannot afford having gone a little into debt as I could not pay all the bills even with help from his unemployment checks) during his first week at work. Things in the bedroom were never great (he is a bit rough) and though he has also improved in that department, past hurt feelings both in and out of the bedroom make me totally turned off. There are positives but in the long run , financially, his gambling bothers me and I do want to have love and sex like when you first meet someone. I have flirted with a co worker whom I have determined is not interested (though uncertain if it's becasue he knows Im married or just not interested, I would not cheat BTW) and am not too afraid of dating after divorce, looking forward 2 it tough I am 11 years older than when I last was single. What do you guys think? What is it like out there if you get divorced and should I? thank-you for your time.

I personally don't look to books to help me decide something I am more intimately and throroughly familiar with such as my own marriage. The author of any book does not know me, my peculiarities, the detailed and private intricacies that might've contributed to the demise of my relationship. Neither can a book tell me how to be happy in a marriage, or find a job, or interview, or choose a career, or buy a car, or pick clothes for myself. A book can't tell me how to raise kids either. So of course my view is that you yourself know when it is time to get a divorce, whether you really want one, and whether you are willing to brave the world once again as a single person. Only you know this.

I know women who would leave a man in a second if he disrespected her in any way. It doesn't matter what life would be like after divorce. They know that they will do fine and make their happy reality. Ridding themselves of the idiot is their principle concern.

Frankly, his allegiance should be with you, not his family. Many couples have in-law problems and it seems to be the exception that they don't exist in a marriage. If he's siding with his family against you, you two will have to work that out. If he cares about you, he will do what is best for the relationship. If he doesn't, he will continue to offend your sensibilities forcing you to do what you're doing now: fantasizing about a life without him, and sex with other men.

If it is really that bad, then you don't need a book to tell you that it is. Be brave for God's sake. Take charge of your life. It sounds like you want a divorce and if you do, plan for it, and do that.

[whatever you want]

Originally Posted by Ellwood

How to know you should get divorced?
When you pull into your driveway and feel sick.

Been there,done that.

[chazztrons]

I agree, it sounds like you want a divorce and are looking for reasons to stay.

It sounds like it was doomed from the get go.
I recently divorced (19 years married). The more I look back at it the more I was doing that exact same thing. I knew that my marriage was over years ago and we were just going through the motions. But there was that security factor.
There were no real problems in the marriage (no gambling, fighting or anything like that). It was never a marriage for love though either. I can see that now.

Dating does scare me. But if it comes then great and if not...well...I dont know Ill cross that bridge when it comes.

[IZthe411]

Only you can answer that question. Have you had frank and honest discussions with your husband? The question you are asking I wouldn't volunteer an answer becauseI don't know all the circumstances. All I'm going on is what your view is, and there are 3 sides to a story. Thus you should take a good look at what you are doing to either help or hurt the situation, and make sure that there are no underlying selfish motives involved.

I don't subscribe to an 'easy out' for marriage. Divorce should be a last resort, and it shouldn't be based on the input of random people who don't have more than a 1 paragraph, 1 sided insight into your relationship.

[LaoTzuMindFu]

Originally Posted by maddog1

How to know if I should get a divorce?

If you find yourself asking strangers on an internet message board if you should get divorced then its time. Get divorced.

[funymann]

Originally Posted by maddog1

Hello, I have been reading this great book Too Good to Leave, too bad 2 stay by Kirshenbaum (In case you other people unsure about your marriage want a recomendation for a good book 2 help U decide) and although the book is excellent, I just wanted some feedback from live people, we have a few problems. He lost his good job 6 months ago, has since found suitable employment and while unemployed ( I do work BTW) , his behavior improved , I was too focused on paying bills to go back and forth thinking about divorce or not. Problems include in law issues, his dad is a male chauvanist pig, and when he spends time with his family, he looses all respect for me. He has a gambling problem, which , as I stated probably due to his unemployment (and therefor lack of access to $) has improved though he promptly lost $200-$300 (which we certainly cannot afford having gone a little into debt as I could not pay all the bills even with help from his unemployment checks) during his first week at work. Things in the bedroom were never great (he is a bit rough) and though he has also improved in that department, past hurt feelings both in and out of the bedroom make me totally turned off. There are positives but in the long run , financially, his gambling bothers me and I do want to have love and sex like when you first meet someone. I have flirted with a co worker whom I have determined is not interested (though uncertain if it's becasue he knows Im married or just not interested, I would not cheat BTW) and am not too afraid of dating after divorce, looking forward 2 it tough I am 11 years older than when I last was single. What do you guys think? What is it like out there if you get divorced and should I? thank-you for your time.

Sounds like you are VERY immature.

I would like to hear his side of things first.

Your side is just a whiney, nagging pitch even through your writing.

The (wah wah wah wah BTW) stuff was too much. You really need to grow up a bit and look at the good you DO have. Seriously. I could spend 10 minutes on the stuff I don't like about you too and I don't even know you. See?

Just support him. He IS your husband. Nothing worse than being kicked while you are down from losing your job.

[Degenerate]

I think the fact that you're asking this question in the first place answers your question.

Yes, you should get a divorce.