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This question is for the gals that are mature, independent and have their own careers.
I have a good bf that lives with me: nice, considerate, gets along with my family and cute. I'm even the bread winner in the family and that doesn't bother him. Problem is I travel about once a month for an about 3 days a month, so he is home alone.
Here's my confession! I know his email password!! Yes I know, it's a big no no but it's not my fault he uses the same password for our Netflix account and other small stuff. So I occassionally read it.
I got home yesterday from traveling and logged into his account. I found out he posted a craigslist ad for "A Free Massage" for ladies only and I read the responses he got from girls. I'm not mad at the girls for responding just the dude who posted. He communicated with one and even gave his phone number and my home address! He told her that when I called in the evening, you know just to check in, that she'll have to be quiet so that I don't think anyone is there. She never followed thru based on the emails (cragislist people can be kinda flakey).
So nothing happened. But I'm sure he wanted something to happen. Of course if I bring up his emails he'll turn it around and blame me for abusing his privacy. So I haven't said anything yet.
So I'm asking women my age what do you do. Seriously. I'm not 22 anymore where I can just pick up a new boy toy from college. I've already been married and that ended with him having an affair. If I think about it, I never ever never ever had a bf to break up with without the infidelity factor being involved. And I'm tired. I'm sure the next guy that comes around will have that same tendencies.
So do I work on this relationship? Find out what the underlying issues are (infidelity is mainly caused by something missing in the relationship). Be a bit more sexy/adventurous? Buy a ticket for him to travel with me out of town for work (don't leave him at home alone)? Wait until I read the smoking gun email then break up?
Not a woman but you really shouldn't disrespect yourself. For the sake of having somebody. It is going to eat away at you ever single day.
Maybe you should find another way to talk about it. Without saying you have his email account.
It seems just by chance that he didn't cheat on you that time. But it is apparent that he is indeed searching for something. It could have nothing to do with what you do wrong or right. He may just like the thrill of doing something "wrong".
So do I work on this relationship? Find out what the underlying issues are (infidelity is mainly caused by something missing in the relationship). Be a bit more sexy/adventurous? Buy a ticket for him to travel with me out of town for work (don't leave him at home alone)? Wait until I read the smoking gun email then break up?
Just looking for advice.
Infidelity CAN be caused by something missing in the relationship, you're right. There are some people who would be faithful no matter what. There are others that wouldn't do it under some circumstances, but wind up cheating because something is missing or broken.
But then there's other people who just aren't good at being monogamous. It doesn't take very much for them to cheat because they don't have a real problem with doing so. The excitement wears off and they want to find it again. I worry that you may have one of those, and in that case, it probably wouldn't matter WHAT you did, how wonderful you were, he probably won't stop.
Reading his email is wrong. I don't deny that and you shouldn't do that in a relationship under normal circumstances. However, you snooping does not automatically erase the wrong of anything you found while doing so. He still put up the ad, he still contacted the girls, he still told her, "Shh, be quiet when you come over so my GF doesn't suspect anything."
This is not a good guy, and I don't think anything you could do would make him so. I would not stay in a relationship with him if you are looking for someone to be monogamous. I know it sucks starting over, but I think you have a losing bet with this guy, sorry.
I'm not quite sure what age has to do with this very basic question. What if your question was slightly altered:
How much infidelity due women 23+ put up with? How much infidelity due women 43+ put up with? How much infidelity due women 18+ put up with?
This is a no-brainer and age has nothing to do with it. Any woman who puts up with infidelity has low self-esteem and no self-worth. The only exception would be a woman in an open relationship where both partners routinely cheat and there's no expectation of monogamy.
This question is for the gals that are mature, independent and have their own careers.
I have a good bf that lives with me: nice, considerate, gets along with my family and cute. I'm even the bread winner in the family and that doesn't bother him. Problem is I travel about once a month for an about 3 days a month, so he is home alone.
Here's my confession! I know his email password!! Yes I know, it's a big no no but it's not my fault he uses the same password for our Netflix account and other small stuff. So I occassionally read it.
I got home yesterday from traveling and logged into his account. I found out he posted a craigslist ad for "A Free Massage" for ladies only and I read the responses he got from girls. I'm not mad at the girls for responding just the dude who posted. He communicated with one and even gave his phone number and my home address! He told her that when I called in the evening, you know just to check in, that she'll have to be quiet so that I don't think anyone is there. She never followed thru based on the emails (cragislist people can be kinda flakey).
So nothing happened. But I'm sure he wanted something to happen. Of course if I bring up his emails he'll turn it around and blame me for abusing his privacy. So I haven't said anything yet.
So I'm asking women my age what do you do. Seriously. I'm not 22 anymore where I can just pick up a new boy toy from college. I've already been married and that ended with him having an affair. If I think about it, I never ever never ever had a bf to break up with without the infidelity factor being involved. And I'm tired. I'm sure the next guy that comes around will have that same tendencies.
So do I work on this relationship? Find out what the underlying issues are (infidelity is mainly caused by something missing in the relationship). Be a bit more sexy/adventurous? Buy a ticket for him to travel with me out of town for work (don't leave him at home alone)? Wait until I read the smoking gun email then break up?
Just looking for advice.
Advice ?? even if its critizing advice
OK what?? Your an idiot
And your just getting what your allowing..
I know you asked for women's opinions, but I'm going to offer mine anyway since I know what it's like to be cheated on. First, don't worry about what's missing from the relationship. A lot of victims of infidelity do this. They wonder what they did wrong or what they can do differently to fix things. But why should you be the one to fix it? He's the one who cheated or may have planned to. If he's not satisfied with you, then he should be man enough to tell you, not go sneaking behind your back. Second, you violated his trust by reading his emails. Come clean about it. If you confront him about his cheating without divulging how you came to know, that makes you a hypocrite. But the fact that you violated his privacy doesn't excuse what he did. Third, recognize the pattern. This is not the first person to cheat on you. You can walk away from this thinking that all men are pigs. OR you look inward and ask why you keep ending up with such men in the first place.
A man can cheat on you whether you're in town or out of town. The fact that you are gone 3 days out of the month is meaningless. If anything, he should be VERY glad when you return.
Try to refrain from looking at his email,as it's making you extremely insecure.
Please try to stop feeling so guilty over this. While you shouldn't be reading his email, there is something that is driving you to do so, something about him that makes you feel insecure. Your feeling of insecurity seems to be justified in the Craigslist ad.
I suspect bf is not ready for monogamy right now, or if he ever will be. You deserve better. You might consider having a heart to heart discussion with him over this if you really and truly want to try to salvage this relationship.
I just reread the original post and saw that you are the breadwinner. Now I'm certain that he's simply using you for a meal ticket/place to live, etc.
Personally, I don't think the relationship is worth salvaging. Any man that makes you feel insecure is not worth it. And in this case it sounds like a freeloader to boot.
Last edited by Easybreezy; 12-29-2010 at 10:09 AM..
Reason: just saw about the bread winner part...
the fact you felt the NEED to look at his email says something right there, your instinct told you something wasnt right...you need to trust those instincts...
only you know whether or not its worth trying to salvage, but i agre with others, if hes not happy in the relationship he needs to find hsi testicles and tell you and you could work on it together...
it honestly sounds like hes comfortable having his sugar momma for a roof and moeny and food...but isnt interested in being in a committed one on one relationship right now.
trust to me is the most important thing in a relationship. the fact your instinct told you not to trust him, then you snooping proved somethings going on...that would be my cue to say "ok, bye bye now"
I agree with Foxy in that if you feel compelled to read his emails, something isn't right.
But now you know that he's interested in bringing strange people off of Craigslist into the home that you are paying for with your hard-earned money so that he can give them a "massage" and they can steal your jewelry while he's in the bathroom--that's if they don't scam him to get his address and then turn out to be four big thugs who beat him senseless and loot your home--and you're wondering what you should do.
Really?
Okay, here's a suggestion: Get rid of him. Never mind the cheating. Get rid of him just because he's a raging dumbarse who doesn't have enough sense not to give out his address to strangers online.
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