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Reading the statuatory-rape threads made me wonder: at what age should parents let their kids start dating. (Yeah, I know dating is "obsolete". )
Do you set one age for group dates and another age for couple dates? Do you have one age set for sons and another for daughters? Or do you base it on maturity, where for example one child may have been mature enough to date at 15, but another wasn't mature enough 'til 17.
Also, what other dating "rules" have you enforced?
16 years old for group dating. That is, if they bring along a friend or sibling or double date. Same age for both. Many kids don't want to date or don't date that young.
My son had a young gal that he "hung out with" when he was 13. They ate lunch together, he walked her to her schoolbus, they met at a movie a couple of times, at the ice rink a few times...not really "dating", but enough of a relationship to convince him that it was something he did not want to delve further into until he was much older, and had a job!!
He is 16 now, and to date, has not had a "girlfriend". I've always told him no dating until he turned 16, and the fact that he does not yet have a driver's license or a job, pretty much keeps his dating activities to a minimum. Also no going with other underage (<18) kids driving, period. All group plans (attending parties, proms, etc.) must be discussed and preapproved, and if I can't get in touch with the other parents to discuss, then it's a no go.
My son and I have a good relationship...probably better than most. He understands the reasons why the rules are what they are, and he's fine with that.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 02-14-2009 at 10:54 AM..
Reading the statuatory-rape threads made me wonder: at what age should parents let their kids start dating. (Yeah, I know dating is "obsolete". )
Do you set one age for group dates and another age for couple dates? Do you have one age set for sons and another for daughters? Or do you base it on maturity, where for example one child may have been mature enough to date at 15, but another wasn't mature enough 'til 17.
Also, what other dating "rules" have you enforced?
The dating rules i set for both of my son's # 1 = Keep it in your pants #2 keep in your pants ....... and #3 I am not ready to be a grampa sooo keep it in your pants.............
setting the age for dating, if that's all a parent looks at, is like bolting the barn door after the horse has escaped
Start teaching them whatever your family values are from the time they are age 2, 3, 4, with age-appropriate conversations, continued when they are 5,6, and 7, keep a line of communication with them open (and that means listening to what they are sharing with you, not "talking at them" and preaching), when they are 10, 11, 12.
Pay attention to the kids, meet their friends, observe, listen, and you will have a clear window into your children's lives and their world.
With my 3 sons I focused on clear respectful communication, and them taking responsibility for their actions, and giving them accurate information about sex, intimacy, relationships, everything from wearing a condom, pregnancy, STDs, to financially supporting any babies they make, to care and consideration for their friends and later girlfriends. It's a package deal. Setting an "age for dating" is such a tiny slice as to be ineffective if a parent is not aware of all the other parts of their kids', teens', young adults lives.
A parent may like to live in fantasy land of "don't have sex" or "don't date" until you're 15 or 18 or 21 or whatever, and set down rules and punishments galore. Those acts usually are too little too late. As a parent I've gained the most peace of mind in treating my sons from day 1, from age 3, on up to now they are in their mid-20s with respect, consideration, honesty, and accurate realistic information, as well as imprating them full responsibility for the choices they make, whether that is in the arena of sex, finances, job, work, friends, whatever.
You're only fooling yourself if you believe you can "tell your kids what to do" at age 12 or 14 or beyond. If a parent wants to raise mature, responsible, capable young adults who make wise decisions, then they treat their children of every age with respect, maturity, consideration, and entrust them with age-appropriate, and developmental-level-appropriate responsibility. Putting on blinders as a parent, or trying to enforce heavy-handed rules and punishment, does not keep teens from exploring their sexuality.
Reading the statuatory-rape threads made me wonder: at what age should parents let their kids start dating. (Yeah, I know dating is "obsolete". )
Do you set one age for group dates and another age for couple dates? Do you have one age set for sons and another for daughters? Or do you base it on maturity, where for example one child may have been mature enough to date at 15, but another wasn't mature enough 'til 17.
Also, what other dating "rules" have you enforced?
Can I pick 35?
My 13 yo has a boyfriend. He hangs out at our house where we can supervise. I don't know what else to do. If I tell her no, she'll just meet him elsewhere (which she was before we started letting him come over (he is a nice kid but he's a boy and she's a girl and EEEEK ))
She'll be 14 in the summer. I'd allow chaperoned events like school dances next year. Group activities starting about a year after that but dates, not until she's 17 and that's too soon for me .
I understand your points. Just don't assume that the fact that those parents that have set rules, means that they have not also taken the other actions you discussed. There is nothing, really nothing, that my son and I have not had long thorough talks about (including why he's taking such long showers!). He's only 16, but he's incredibly mature and responsible. I believe that our rules are entirely age-appropriate, for our family.
My 13 yo has a boyfriend. He hangs out at our house where we can supervise. I don't know what else to do. If I tell her no, she'll just meet him elsewhere (which she was before we started letting him come over (he is a nice kid but he's a boy and she's a girl and EEEEK )
She'll be 14 in the summer. I'd allow chaperoned events like school dances next year. Group activities starting about a year after that but dates, not until she's 17 and that's too soon for me .
there is good sense in this. I'd rather have them at home, meet the friends, so I know where they are and who they are with. I remember my mom with me when I had a boyfriend, said he could come over to the house, we could go in my room to listen to music, talk, but the door had to stay open all the way. She was always lurking the hallway too. So she did get to meet him and keep an eye on us.
But we also met outside the house, played tennis, went to movies, even without driving because this was too young for driver's licenses (as is your daughter, this was age 15), took walks to the neighborhood park necking and groping and touching. Kids grow and have their lives to live, we don't get to do it for them. Best we can do is give them good tools and hope for the best!
Another piece for us as parents is coming to terms with our children growing up, having sex drives, growing into sexual beings, seeing them as young adults, and moving away from us and into their own lives. So some of postponing or avoiding them having sex (or intimacy), is for us as parents wanting to avoid that our kids are growing away from us and have their own lives to live, totally separate from us, and not ours to control in the ways we did or could when they were younger. I think it's a letting go thing. That is hard for a lot of parents
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