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Old 02-25-2009, 08:59 AM
 
1 posts, read 2,235 times
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So I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We started dating in college while we were both away from our families. Now the time has come that we have finished college. We are both extremely close to our families and both want to live near our families. My boyfriend is due to gain the family property when his parents pass away (which won't be for a long time bc they are healthy). Our families live about two hours apart. Personally I think living in the middle would be the way to settle this topic, but it doesn't seem to be an option. My boyfriend wants to live in one of his parents rental houses in the same town that his family lives in. This makes me 2 hours away from my family and friends. I tried it out this past summer while we were on break from college and I tolerated it, but I really hate being this far from my family. Everything else in our relationship is going fine, but where we live never seems to get settled. He is stuck on living right where he was born and raised, and I don't want to live there (I might consider it if my family wasn't 2 hours away). So do I end our three year relationship so I can be closer to my family or do I continue to suck it up to be with my boyfriend and far from my family? When I am down in his neck of the woods I have no one besides him, his family, and his friends. I feel I really need to decide on this topic before our relationship goes any further. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:02 AM
 
1,492 posts, read 6,964,747 times
Reputation: 1427
Go on with your life and your career and goals. IF he can keep up or his parallel yours, then there's your answer.

But I'd say 3 years with a boyfriend is long enough...move on.

You'll meet plenty of men who you would be perfectly happy and you'll choose one to marry one day.

Good luck.
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:10 AM
 
410 posts, read 434,966 times
Reputation: 247
I think you should go on with your life.
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:12 AM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,780,000 times
Reputation: 46046
Well, I have to say this. Relationships in college are easy. There are no real demands, and no real stress to them. Suddenly, when one is out in the real world, tough choices sometimes have to be made.

In this case, you were willing to compromise with your boyfriend, while he adopted a "my way or the highway" kind of mentality. That really doesn't bode well for your future relationship.

However, at the same time, I detect problems with both of you: Namely, an unwillingness to cut the umbilical cords with your respective families, and putting proximity to family above a relationship that has consumed three years of your lives. That doesn't mean you don't love your respective families, but insisting on staying so close to them no matter what could signal really big dependency issues that will ultimately sabotage your relationship in other ways as well. You really have to understand that, once you have a diploma, you have to create your own life and your own family. Insisting on living cheek-to-jowl with your family could mean that you could face problems really becoming your own person.
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:19 AM
 
2,707 posts, read 5,377,605 times
Reputation: 5557
Quote:
Originally Posted by selena1986 View Post
Everything else in our relationship is going fine, but where we live never seems to get settled. He is stuck on living right where he was born and raised, and I don't want to live there (I might consider it if my family wasn't 2 hours away). So do I end our three year relationship so I can be closer to my family or do I continue to suck it up to be with my boyfriend and far from my family? When I am down in his neck of the woods I have no one besides him, his family, and his friends. I feel I really need to decide on this topic before our relationship goes any further. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.
It seems to me that living geographically close to your family is a top value for you. These days, so many people hear the word "values" and automatically think of stuff like sex before marriage or children or religion or whatever. And while those are important topics to be clear on, they're not the only values you have.

For you, a top value obviously is living close to your parents/family. If this is truly a big deal to you, then it's not something you should compromise on. Period. You just need to decide where this ranks in your priorities. It's okay for it to rank at the top, but if you decide it DOES rank at the top, then you need to respect yourself -- and your boyfriend -- enough to hold firm to your convictions. If it's a big priority for you and you don't assert yourself, and instead you and your boyfriend settle elsewhere, you are likely to feel a resentment that will probably grow over time. That's not really fair to your boyfriend -- after all, no one is likely to hold a gun to your head and force you to move to your BF's town, so if you go, you'll have done so of your own will -- nor is it respectful of your own Self and priorities.

At the same time, I agree with CPG's post. You need to be sure that your desire to be physically close to your parents is for the right reason. Healthy birds leave the nest and all that. So do some soul-searching to make certain that you don't want to stay close to them simply because it's safe...familiar...comfortable. If you can live close to them and still be completely independent, then great. But if living close to them means that they're always there for you to fall back on for support, then maybe you ought to try to live away from them for a while until you're completely sure of your own self-sufficiency.
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:20 AM
 
Location: los angeles, ca
318 posts, read 737,530 times
Reputation: 189
3 years isn't all that long to be sacrificing so much. I would either find a new residence that satiates both or break it off.
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:38 AM
 
Location: Murphy, NC
3,223 posts, read 8,510,873 times
Reputation: 1436
Quote:
Originally Posted by selena1986 View Post
So I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We started dating in college while we were both away from our families. Now the time has come that we have finished college. We are both extremely close to our families and both want to live near our families. My boyfriend is due to gain the family property when his parents pass away (which won't be for a long time bc they are healthy). Our families live about two hours apart. Personally I think living in the middle would be the way to settle this topic, but it doesn't seem to be an option. My boyfriend wants to live in one of his parents rental houses in the same town that his family lives in. This makes me 2 hours away from my family and friends. I tried it out this past summer while we were on break from college and I tolerated it, but I really hate being this far from my family. Everything else in our relationship is going fine, but where we live never seems to get settled. He is stuck on living right where he was born and raised, and I don't want to live there (I might consider it if my family wasn't 2 hours away). So do I end our three year relationship so I can be closer to my family or do I continue to suck it up to be with my boyfriend and far from my family? When I am down in his neck of the woods I have no one besides him, his family, and his friends. I feel I really need to decide on this topic before our relationship goes any further. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.
My sister married this guy who moved to America 7 years ago but now plans on moving back to UK where he's from, because his family lives there, my sister is going along with it but man does it suck for my family because now we'll hardly ever see her and my baby niece and nephew who we've grown close to. Never marry an ignorant foreigner or someone who doesn't consider your family.

I can tell u that I personally would never want to take my wife away from her family, so I'm saving up for a house within 30 miles even if this area is more expensive. It seems he can do that as well and still benefit from his family owned property. A real man is able to live happily where his wife and her family is.

oh also, my brother in law is moving back to UK for similar reasons, his FATHER's a landlord and has properties in his son's name, lol. My brother in law is a real baby when it comes to making the best out of a foreign country.. I can be happy anywhere so long as my wife is with me. I mean they live in a perfect American town, he has a good job etc, but now wants to transfer where he'll make half that salary in UK. So he can be near his drunk father, 3 brothers, and rental properties. I keep telling him he can make a lot more money doing this in the US but he doesn't possess the male characteristic of compromise taking risks.

Last edited by dhanu86; 02-25-2009 at 09:46 AM..
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:49 AM
 
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,977 posts, read 29,675,494 times
Reputation: 10491
I think you're getting some bad advice here so far. You will ALWAYS have your family. But this guy could be "the one" (if youre into that sort of thing) but if you want to break things up because you "want to be close to your family" then maybe you just arent ready for a real relationship. I would also think that after three years together, you would know if there is a future between the two of you. If you think there may be, then dont let something like "being close to YOUR" family ruin things for you.

I know there should be some "give and take" in a relationship so he should be a bit more accomodating to your wants/wishes but it sounds like part of his thought process has to do along financial lines - "living in his parents' rental house" (which probably means little to no rent) and would be very very smart move financially. Will there be career opportunities for you in this area?
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Vero Beach, Fl
2,949 posts, read 12,187,317 times
Reputation: 2075
You have your life ahead of you. Why on earth would you want to lock yourself into a situation or even a geographic location at this point? This is your time to blossom, grow, explore and get on with your career and your life.

Also, consider a little more flexibility as you plan your future.
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Old 02-25-2009, 10:15 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,178 posts, read 16,560,156 times
Reputation: 49786
This is coming from someone who moved many STATES away (not two hours) for the man I love...so here goes:

Are you better off with him or without him? Seriously 2 hours isn't really that far.

If you're willing to choose your family and friends over him, then I say move on.
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