Rough childhood (wife, how to, married, man)

[Chowhound]

I was wondering how much our childhoods memories affect us.

Do they really linger around and cause us problems. Or is it something that Hollywood has invented for us.

Do we really make bad decisions based on our upbringings. Is this premise something right out of a psychology 101 course.


Does our choices today come from our pasts??????

[Mearth]

I used to think the past affected me not at all. At first it was because I told myself, "It wasn't that bad." And then because I thought, "Well I KNOW how not to be, therefore I won't be that way." Unfortunately, it's not so easy.

Just a couple years ago, I went from having the perfectly together life to completely falling apart - burned out, deeply depressed, unmotivated, and hollow.

Not because anything major happened at the time, but because a minor argument with my younger brothers managed to trigger all kinds of memories and feelings that I had managed to repress up until then. I suddenly saw things in a way that I hadn't before, and couldn't stop thinking about it, reliving it.

Another example: a man I know was in the armed forces, then became a police officer, and eventually became a pastor. None of what he saw in his earlier careers seemed to have affected him, until later in life, when his wife cheated on him. It was this comparatively minor trauma that brought all the older traumas to the surface.

We get to a point where it takes more energy to avoid the past than it does to confront it.

Since that point in my life, I've gone into therapy, attended 12-step meetings for "adult children of alcoholics," and eventually went on anti-anxiety/antidepressant medication.

Incidentally, both of my brothers have issues with depression & anxiety as well.

But it's more than that. I learned that a lot of the behaviors and ways of thinking that I had attributed to "just me" were actually common among people who had grown up in a similar way that I had. It was much more ingrained than I realized (and I went to grad school for pychology!) The burden of undoing all of that was great, but there was also a great freedom in it. Not to mention comfort in sharing stories with others.

I feel much better about who I am now than I did back then. There's no longer an empty void inside. And I no longer feel guilty for simply pursuing what I want - whether it's my career, or just choosing how to spend my day.

[pigeonhole]

It's funny, lots of people seem to have had a rough childhood.
Me, it's the opposite, the more my childhood memories fade away with age, the more they have an aura of beautiful lost pleasant quaint times, like a sunken continent of past dreams. I don't know why, I kind of idealize my childhood, although I had my problems like anyone else.

[Raggy dee Ann]

Originally Posted by Mearth

I used to think the past affected me not at all. At first it was because I told myself, "It wasn't that bad." And then because I thought, "Well I KNOW how not to be, therefore I won't be that way." Unfortunately, it's not so easy.

Just a couple years ago, I went from having the perfectly together life to completely falling apart - burned out, deeply depressed, unmotivated, and hollow.

Not because anything major happened at the time, but because a minor argument with my younger brothers managed to trigger all kinds of memories and feelings that I had managed to repress up until then. I suddenly saw things in a way that I hadn't before, and couldn't stop thinking about it, reliving it.

Another example: a man I know was in the armed forces, then became a police officer, and eventually became a pastor. None of what he saw in his earlier careers seemed to have affected him, until later in life, when his wife cheated on him. It was this comparatively minor trauma that brought all the older traumas to the surface.

We get to a point where it takes more energy to avoid the past than it does to confront it.

Since that point in my life, I've gone into therapy, attended 12-step meetings for "adult children of alcoholics," and eventually went on anti-anxiety/antidepressant medication.

Incidentally, both of my brothers have issues with depression & anxiety as well.

But it's more than that. I learned that a lot of the behaviors and ways of thinking that I had attributed to "just me" were actually common among people who had grown up in a similar way that I had. It was much more ingrained than I realized (and I went to grad school for pychology!) The burden of undoing all of that was great, but there was also a great freedom in it. Not to mention comfort in sharing stories with others.

I feel much better about who I am now than I did back then. There's no longer an empty void inside. And I no longer feel guilty for simply pursuing what I want - whether it's my career, or just choosing how to spend my day.

Isn't the human mind fascinating?

[Chowhound]

Originally Posted by Raggy dee Ann

Isn't the human mind fascinating?

The human mind is like a Shakespearean play.

Part comedy, part tragedy.

[Mr.Cat]

If my father hadn't being the way he was when I was raised I would have been probably a career criminal or worse yet an assasin. In my country he was a police captain in charge of robbery and homicide back in the very early 70's. One time he was stationed on a 48 hr shift and my mom took me to bring him food. He told me: "Son, this is what happens to bad people when they do bad stuff and we catch them."
They had this guy tied up, arms up on a pipe and he was being beat up with a piece of garden hose. His screams still echo in my mind and I have always being afraid of doing bad things (at least some). That is one of my strongest childhood memories.


P.S.
back in those years in my country, the criminal element was disposed of by any means necessary.

[dave nz]

My childhood lets just say had alot of negatives and it has effected me big time. Funny thing is I only found out how much when I joined this forum and talked for the first time about it here. Sometimes its easier anonymously, don't knock CD

[Connecticut Pam]

Chowhound: This is a two-sided question with a two-sided answer. I DID come from a rough childhood and have many, many memories both bad and good. I have to say mostly bad at this point. Do they play any part in my decisions..I don't think so. I was able to move beyond the beatings I use to get and my Father lurking in the shadows waiting for his chance to "bother" one of my sisters. I didn't get much sleep back then. As an older sibling, I felt it was my responsibility to watch my sisters. Because of the abuse, I was more than anxious to leave home at 19, so I married the first guy who asked and he too was an idiot and was verbally and emotionally abusive. We tend to run towards what is familiar and yet fool ourselves into thinking we are getting away from the bad stuff. I ran right into it.

It took me a very long time to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak and move on to become the person I am today. It took some work and being blessed with a best friend who showed me what life is and is not. She and I have been friends for 30 years now and I have mentioned her here a few times. It took her plus two husbands who showed me just how special I was as a person.

First of all, people with rough childhood memories have to stop being the victim and start being more pro active with their life. I have one sibling who was always sick when she was younger; it was her way to get attention from our parents. She was never really sick, just a huge drama queen. To this day, she always over dramatizes when something happens and gets angry when her children (all grown up) don't fuss all over her. Everyone around her is WRONG about everything and she is this huge right fighter now..aggrevating..I choose not to buy into her misery. The one sister who took the brunt of my Dad's abuse talked about it with me incessantly so she managed to get her life to move forward...however...she now tells way more stuff about her life to anyone who will listen which I think has become her big scar from it all.

So, you see, we are all different even siblings from the same family have ended up with a different attitude about what happened. Me? I can still feel the sting of my Father's belt on my legs, across my back or his shoe kicking me in the side as I curl up in a fetal position. Yes it was awful and NO I did not carry this bad behavior forward with my son...I never hit him. I do not nor never will let what happened to me or my siblings influence any portion of my life. My parents were not good parents and they are gone now..no do-overs and in this case, with my Dad...thank God.

[thriftylefty]

People who have rough childhoods and lingering memories of them probally form relationships based on those memories. I am sure there is some kind of "relationship Therapy" to help you through a marrige. But once we are in a bad relationship the maintenance and upkeep can be exhausting just to be "normal." Childhood is were we learn how to relate to people we care about, Unfortunately by the time we figure out that we have learned things that are not condusive to good relationships ,we are adults and some will choose to live alone, for instance some people are raised to fear people that they are supposed to love, so they seek out relationships that have a "Fear Factor"

[Driller1]

My dad was a drunk and mentally ill. It has had a huge effect on my life. He tried to kill my mother, missed with a hunting rifle by inches. Of course, he "saw the light" and went to religion. What a joke!!! I remember from the time I was 8 or 9 years old saying the happiest day of my life would be the day he died. He had been dead 23 years. So far it has been.